![shotgun](/data/avatars/l/76/76426.jpg?1722278397)
shotgun
im alive but im dead, awake but asleep
- Sep 14, 2023
- 29
I hate my thoughts so fucking much. I can't get rid of them. I went to different psychologists and psychiatrists. They all tell me it's going to get better, especially since I've been "getting better" but the thing is i always lie about it. I still cut myself, my suicide date is still set, although the thing is I'm not sad. I'm angry. I'm so pissed off constantly. I'm not killing myself because of the emptiness I constantly feel I'm killing myself to make sure I don't hurt others physically.
I can't stop fantasising about the day I'm supposed to commit. It's the day before my birthday, I spend my time a few friends. I give them a letter and tell them to open it after 1am. Preferably 1:41, the time I was born, but I don't tell them that. At 1am, I get everything ready. I take my father's handicapped sister, her being the reason my mother and I are in so much pain. I slit her throat and stab her multiple times. Then, I go in the forest that's close to my house. I snort a line to get some courage then hang myself right then and there, leaving all the anger I have inside that house.
It's so fucking embarrassing thinking like this. I'm so disgusted by myself but I can't stop my thoughts. I slit my wrist as an alternative, and I'm reminding myself that If I just go and hang myself without the murder part it'll be fine, but I can't stop it.
The thing is I most likely won't hurt anyone. I get scared for no fucking reason, scared of what I'll do, when in reality I'll get so desperate to kill myself that I'll forget about the murder entirely.
I can't stop fantasising about the day I'm supposed to commit. It's the day before my birthday, I spend my time a few friends. I give them a letter and tell them to open it after 1am. Preferably 1:41, the time I was born, but I don't tell them that. At 1am, I get everything ready. I take my father's handicapped sister, her being the reason my mother and I are in so much pain. I slit her throat and stab her multiple times. Then, I go in the forest that's close to my house. I snort a line to get some courage then hang myself right then and there, leaving all the anger I have inside that house.
It's so fucking embarrassing thinking like this. I'm so disgusted by myself but I can't stop my thoughts. I slit my wrist as an alternative, and I'm reminding myself that If I just go and hang myself without the murder part it'll be fine, but I can't stop it.
The thing is I most likely won't hurt anyone. I get scared for no fucking reason, scared of what I'll do, when in reality I'll get so desperate to kill myself that I'll forget about the murder entirely.