Venting I can’t fucking take this anymore. I’m the ugliest woman, disabled and will never be a mother… what fucking point is there?

[Mitsuki_the_unloved]

I have no family, no friends, im 25 and in chronic agony all the time, twitches, convulsions, seizures, optic neuritis, not able to get out of bed most days and nearly able to walk and when I go out for a walk people call me slurs based on my race, attiire, disabilities and especially the horrible T slur because I "look and sound like a man"… im a cis woman with intersex issues so I can't give birth and dont make any hormones so bone issues. I just happen to have an ugly face and voice and comments just always fly my way. Ive failed uni numerous times because no family support im an orphan, got raped numerous times and expelled because "mental health" instead of them doing anything. Had police ruin my self esteem through SARC being absolutely terrible and the NHS do you think they render me any care for my issues? Fuck no I use PIP to buy Curaleaf and self medicate cannabis just to bearly cope every day and night. I'm a weird Asian street cat to people here… i dont practice bass, guitar, shamizen, flute, shinobue, piano or compose music anymore, I dont draw or paint anymore… every moment asleep and awake it's flashbacks, nightmares, i can't cope with this. I reach out for help and every single time it's shot down with "sorry but we can't help for X or Y bla bla bla litigation text bullshit reason in short dont be poor pay for healthcare, therapy, education yourself" I have no employment prospects and everyday I am shaking in my flat muttering to my plushies like a demented sad chill who has no fucking clue what to do other than self harm and cry. None of my issues are solvable my myself. They're bearly solvable if I were rich! Science cant cure me or give me back the ability to bear children… im the kind of girl who sees a salt shaker on its own in a store and move it to somewhere else so it's not alone with a pepper shaker or something that was also on its own. I smile at every animal, child and person who walks past even when I'm actively walking to a train station to watch a train blast through and contemplate and plan how id jump infront of it. I've saved lives with no fucking exaggeration but I can't even make one single human being take me seriously, value me and my input, listen to my concerns, help me with my issues, on my best days and worst days I have never felt treated or perceived as a human. But like less than an insect… apparently being neurodivergent has that effect on people even if you literally say and do nothing… I have a fiancee and I vent to her my frustrations and I literally beg her for help and nothing ever happens. Ive listed archivable goals that they won't help me with but just say "yeah sure we'll do it" all my money saved that I was going to use to fix a lot of my issues health, appearance and therapy wise all got destroyed because I had to bankrupt myself several thousands out of my savings then into the red to fix issues her ex caused… because i dont let people suffer because if she has an issue i decimate it and solve it whatever it takes… words AND ACTIONS… yet im the one venting here at 4am laying in bed awake wanting to slit my wrists while she sleeps beside me. But oh wait I won't because I'd be made to feel like a fucking monster if I ever hurt myself

I want to drift off into endless sleep where I can dream amongst the stars… thats all any of my desires are just dreams, delusions. Things only humans can have and im less than vermin…

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

im the kind of girl who sees a salt shaker on its own in a store and move it to somewhere else so it's not alone with a pepper shaker or something that was also on its own. I smile at every animal, child and person who walks past even when I'm actively walking to a train station to watch a train blast through and contemplate and plan how id jump infront of it

You sound like a good person, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Life is so cruel to so many people. I wish I could give some practical advice but honestly it sounds like you've already been proactive in trying to solve your problems, and I doubt I could think of anything you haven't already considered. You don't deserve to feel this way at all, and I wish somehow things could be right in the world and you could have these painful burdens lifted from your body and soul.

 

[Mitsuki_the_unloved]

I have no family, no friends, im 25 and in chronic agony all the time, twitches, convulsions, seizures, optic neuritis, not able to get out of bed most days and nearly able to walk and when I go out for a walk people call me slurs based on my race, attiire, disabilities and especially the horrible T slur because I "look and sound like a man"… im a cis woman with intersex issues so I can't give birth and dont make any hormones so bone issues. I just happen to have an ugly face and voice and comments just always fly my way. Ive failed uni numerous times because no family support im an orphan, got raped numerous times and expelled because "mental health" instead of them doing anything. Had police ruin my self esteem through SARC being absolutely terrible and the NHS do you think they render me any care for my issues? Fuck no I use PIP to buy Curaleaf and self medicate cannabis just to bearly cope every day and night. I'm a weird Asian street cat to people here… i dont practice bass, guitar, shamizen, flute, shinobue, piano or compose music anymore, I dont draw or paint anymore… every moment asleep and awake it's flashbacks, nightmares, i can't cope with this. I reach out for help and every single time it's shot down with "sorry but we can't help for X or Y bla bla bla litigation text bullshit reason in short dont be poor pay for healthcare, therapy, education yourself" I have no employment prospects and everyday I am shaking in my flat muttering to my plushies like a demented sad chill who has no fucking clue what to do other than self harm and cry. None of my issues are solvable my myself. They're bearly solvable if I were rich! Science cant cure me or give me back the ability to bear children… im the kind of girl who sees a salt shaker on its own in a store and move it to somewhere else so it's not alone with a pepper shaker or something that was also on its own. I smile at every animal, child and person who walks past even when I'm actively walking to a train station to watch a train blast through and contemplate and plan how id jump infront of it. I've saved lives with no fucking exaggeration but I can't even make one single human being take me seriously, value me and my input, listen to my concerns, help me with my issues, on my best days and worst days I have never felt treated or perceived as a human. But like less than an insect… apparently being neurodivergent has that effect on people even if you literally say and do nothing… I have a fiancee and I vent to her my frustrations and I literally beg her for help and nothing ever happens. Ive listed archivable goals that they won't help me with but just say "yeah sure we'll do it" all my money saved that I was going to use to fix a lot of my issues health, appearance and therapy wise all got destroyed because I had to bankrupt myself several thousands out of my savings then into the red to fix issues her ex caused… because i dont let people suffer because if she has an issue i decimate it and solve it whatever it takes… words AND ACTIONS… yet im the one venting here at 4am laying in bed awake wanting to slit my wrists while she sleeps beside me. But oh wait I won't because I'd be made to feel like a fucking monster if I ever hurt myself

I want to drift off into endless sleep where I can dream amongst the stars… thats all any of my desires are just dreams, delusions. Things only humans can have and im less than vermin…

You sound like a good person, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Life is so cruel to so many people. I wish I could give some practical advice but honestly it sounds like you've already been proactive in trying to solve your problems, and I doubt I could think of anything you haven't already considered. You don't deserve to feel this way at all, and I wish somehow things could be right in the world and you could have these painful burdens lifted from your body and soul.

Thank you… I don't know what to do i can't sleep with these thoughts flashbacks and im trying to cope by blasting metal, punching out my rage on Elden ring bosses and non stop back to back dynavap hits where I can't resist pushing the scolding titanium into my hand and clawing skin subconsciously losing my mind at my desk trying to stay quiet enough to not wake up my fiancee… I don't know what to do i can't do this anymore i can't do this anymore i can't do this anymrow