I can't fucking take it anymore, accountability partners?

[celest]

I have been in this place a year before, and words aren't enough to express my desperation. I can't take life anymore, I physically can't do it, my mind is too much to live in and every second is a fight to feel okay. I just can't escape it. I can't fucking escape it. I can't do it. I can't be okay on my own and there's nothing else that can help me.
I'm currently on my bathroom floor after trying to vomit failing yet once again. The disgusting reality of eating disorders can only be understood by those who suffer and I am one of them. The discomfort, the helplessness, the disgust every time I look in the mirror, the fucking addiction to food and cravings, I feel broken beyond repair
I numb myself in any way I can but once I abstain, things are even worse.
I have tried so hard to hold on to my life but I keep falling deeper and deeper. All I wanted was a normal life but I have no reason to keep going. It only gets worse.
If god is real he must be feeling deeply sorry for me now. I know this is the wrong way to go, but I feel out of myself. I don't even know what's wrong.

I have the sn, meto and benzos. Now all I need is to be able to fast, set a date and make a decision. If anyone wants to support eachother throughout this process please reach out

 

[Trav1989]

Yeah, life is a complete mess and most aren't aware of how awful it is because they delude themselves into believing that such is normal. I've been off and on of opiates most of my adult life and recently got back on them because after 6 months of being sober I just couldn't deal with reality anymore. I can't say I'm addicted to food but I know addiction very well in all honesty.

I also only wished for a normal life with a wife and kids but once my wife left to "find herself" and hooked up with one guy, then multiple different guys and told me it wasn't cheating if she didn't love them, and then got into the sex trade and offered me a third of her income if I let her stay with me I kind of just emotionally broke.

I had no control over any of that and I hated myself for a long time until I realized there was nothing that could have been done about it.

I am also looking to CTB, likely in October but I lack the meto and benzos. In all honesty I'll probably just chug the SN and cross my fingers because I don't really care if I have to suffer for an hour or two after years of suffering.

Looking forward to that last cigarette before I'm punching my ticket for good.

But yeah, probably going to CTB within a month. Life just never really worked out for me even though I put in as much effort as I could muster and gave as much love as I could, it never loved me back.

This existence sickens me and after nearly 35 years on this planet I can safely say that it's just not for me.

 

[celest]

I

Yeah, life is a complete mess and most aren't aware of how awful it is because they delude themselves into believing that such is normal. I've been off and on of opiates most of my adult life and recently got back on them because after 6 months of being sober I just couldn't deal with reality anymore. I can't say I'm addicted to food but I know addiction very well in all honesty.

I also only wished for a normal life with a wife and kids but once my wife left to "find herself" and hooked up with one guy, then multiple different guys and told me it wasn't cheating if she didn't love them, and then got into the sex trade and offered me a third of her income if I let her stay with me I kind of just emotionally broke.

I had no control over any of that and I hated myself for a long time until I realized there was nothing that could have been done about it.

I am also looking to CTB, likely in October but I lack the meto and benzos. In all honesty I'll probably just chug the SN and cross my fingers because I don't really care if I have to suffer for an hour or two after years of suffering.

Looking forward to that last cigarette before I'm punching my ticket for good.

But yeah, probably going to CTB within a month. Life just never really worked out for me even though I put in as much effort as I could muster and gave as much love as I could, it never loved me back.

This existence sickens me and after nearly 35 years on this planet I can safely say that it's just not for me.

I've been in a 12 step program and tried keeping sober, honestly it made me truly understand why I developed it in the first place. I can't understand how people seem to go through their life so casually. The one group of people I have the most empathy for in this world are addicts. It's easy to judge unless you been there. Even if I can't bear my suffering, I'll pray for everyone struggling w addiction to be relieved in my last moments.

About love, I don't believe it exists, at least in the sense we mean. I think as humans we're all selfish creatures by nature and it all comes down to what we gain from others. Love is that, just an emotion. It comes and goes, relationship status are human made, they don't mean anything. Love can be attachment, dependancy, insecurity, lust, attraction, financial gain, settling, socieatal pressure, anything but love. It's a hard pill to swallow especially as a daydreamer romantic but I can't 'love' either, I obsess and It's still selfish. You're feelings are still valid and I'm sorry though.

I get it. Life doesn't make sense, I still can't describe the confusion in my head and maybe there's actually something chemically wrong. Maybe I'm actually going crazy. I don't really care. Life is a game of luck. So many things are predetermined and the rest requires immense dedication by self will. I tried it, maybe it makes some things better, but it doesn't fix the innate lack of meaning and the pain I go through daily.

 

[Davey40210]

So proud of you to start the 12 step program and I'm sorry you are feeling so low now.

I think love exists and I experienced true love.. its just very difficult to come by these days.

I thought it was very recognizeable your point about addicts. I also for some reason feel so immensely emphatic towards them. I can be so cold about people I dont know sometimes but when I see a homeless person that is addicted or when I watch addict documentaries online I am always feeling very sad for them. Maybe because I feel like there is a very thin layer of difference between them and me.

 

[celest]

So proud of you to start the 12 step program and I'm sorry you are feeling so low now.

I think love exists and I experienced true love.. its just very difficult to come by these days.

I thought it was very recognizeable your point about addicts. I also for some reason feel so immensely emphatic towards them. I can be so cold about people I dont know sometimes but when I see a homeless person that is addicted or when I watch addict documentaries online I am always feeling very sad for them. Maybe because I feel like there is a very thin layer of difference between them and me.

Yes, I believe that's because suicidal ideation and escapism go hand in hand. I always think that I'm a few parallel universes away from being a drug addict