Venting I can’t fucking rely on anyone

[Wrennie]

Made the stupid fucking mistake of letting it slip to my drama queen of a best friend that I was starving myself & she told me that she was going to go behind my back and inform my control-freak parents for my own "safety" so I had to repeatedly assure her that I was fine & she was overreacting. I can't fucking do this anymore. Not eating is the only sense of bodily autonomy I have... if they find out they're going to take everything from me.

Every time my body moves without me telling it to I legitimately die inside. Having an incurable disease slaughters my appetite. I haven't felt hunger in over two weeks. I promised myself I wouldn't eat a bite of anything unless it suddenly went away.

& for those that think this is unsustainable in the long run it's meant to be... I want for either my heart to give out or for my SN to take effect faster.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm sorry to hear this, Wrennie!
The times I talked about ctb with my family or friends, I only ended up disappointed and about to be sent to a psych ward. It sucks.

 

[wordsonscreen]

That's terrible :/ big no no. I guess I kinda do see it from her perspective but it is clearly not what you need now, of all times. I understand. I know starving is not sustainable- but when it is the only form of autonomy and agency we have, it is life giving in a very odd way. It is an effective form of coping- unsustainable and harmful, but effective nonetheless. It is hard to open up to someone and.. kind of fall through the cracks. I can hear your disappointment. And it is not stupid- we all wish people who know us irl could understand. You were hoping for the best.

Am sorry Wrennie :(
You know am here for you <3

 

[Frauw]

Relying on anyone but yourself is big cringe sadly, other humans are fickle.

 

[Aloken]

Shit, I'm so sorry. I won't pretend I know what you're going through, your pain is yours and only yours. I can only say that I understand what is like to feel alone when suicidal. To feel that you can't trust no one. This post is right on time, because I'm contemplating texting a very special person of mine that I'm going to die no matter what, I'm gonna beg him not to do anything that will make me feel so much worse and to respect me and believe me. I just want to have a chat from the heart, to say our farewells. Am I going to make a terrible mistake?

 

[wordsonscreen]

That's terrible :/ big no no. I guess I kinda do see it from her perspective but it is clearly not what you need now, of all times. I understand. I know starving is not sustainable- but when it is the only form of autonomy and agency we have, it is life giving in a very odd way. It is an effective form of coping- unsustainable and harmful, but effective nonetheless. It is hard to open up to someone and.. kind of fall through the cracks. I can hear your disappointment. And it is not stupid- we all wish people who know us irl could understand. You were hoping for the best.

Am sorry Wrennie :(
You know am here for you <3

reeeally quick wanna clarify that "big no no" was not for you Wrennie. Is natural to share and want to trust- I meant taking away agency as if it is what recovery is supposed to require is the big no no.
(sorry, brain fried today)

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sorry this happened to you Wrennie I made the mistake of telling a friend of mine I wanted to die. It didn't go well. At least he didn't turn me in and get me locked up.

 

[Makko]

Life is always you against the world. It's never "we".

 

[Arnie]

I'm sorry, Wrennie.

I've had experiences with people pleading with me to open up. When I did, I very nearly ended up in a psych ward. I've never let that happen again.

Seems like this is something many here have had to deal with.