I can't figure out what is wrong with me

[Thatdude]

So I'm between the age of 30-35. I am high functioning autistic. Before the virus hit I finished my last degree, and now I have a total of 4 degrees. (long story short, I gotten an aerospace degree but the job market collapse. During this time I tried working a number of jobs, but I kept getting fired or was so depressed from working and getting harassed at work I've became suicidal. So instead of doing nothing I went back to school for a general computer degree. This was an AS since I couldn't afford to go directly for a BS. While I was there a teacher mentioned to me that I was only a handful of classes from a networking degree. One of the 2 was a 2x2 into my last degree which is a industrial degree with a focus on cyber security.) The first degree I almost didn't get due to my grades and I was having a hard time in school. For the rest of the degrees I was taken at max 2 classes at a time since that was all I could handle. In fact, at several points I tried working while doing this and I couldn't even handle that. The most I was able to deal with is what I do now. Selling stuff on Etsy using my 3D printer, making YouTube videos once in a while, and a few small things to make some money (like $100-$200 a month total).

Anyways, during my AS I notice when I was able to get something that could get me into something down the road like being an intern. I flaked out on it. Like I did things like made applications for my school and stuff like that. But those were 1 off things.
After getting into my BS I found everything was going good and my grades were good enough. I did at one point try more than 2 classes on my technical side and my grades dropped to the point where I almost gotten kicked. But as long as I kept it down to 2 classes, my mental state seemed to be at least to the point I could keep up with the test (it should be noted even with this I had to cheat in a number of classes even when taking 2 classes at a time). The reason why I'm bringing this up is towards the end of my degree I had to take a lot of stupid classes like one on weather, another in microeconomics, and a few others. Because I spent so many years in school and I just wanted it over I did a full 4 classes back to back for 2 semesters. This 10000% burnt me out, and I literally had to beg my teachers to pass me. If it wasn't for a mixture of cheating and begging to pass, I know I wouldn't of made it.
Shortly after I gotten out I found out even with a degree no one still wanted me. I tried using my contacts a few times, and found many companies flaked out during meeting me or when they found out I'm autistic. Even with applying to higher end jobs than the manufacturing jobs I applied for in the past. I found in some interviews I was harassed for how I talk and think. Like flat out picking on me and laughing about it. In some jobs they kept lying about oh we are looking for x (coder, network, etc) and the people trying to help me said I don't x y z. And then they would interview me for 100% different job.
Around this time I tried to enact my backup plan which was to go into the military. I found out the military literally has policies from autistic people from joining. My dad looked into it since he had connections to major generals, and more than less the policy was put in after a few autistic people were harassed to the point some offed themselves and some were hurt so badly that there is an investigation on it still today. So it's more to protect us than anything else. And it was made in such a way that even if you did get in, you have to get it OK with every commanding officer, and pretty much anyone in the unit can make a stink about it which would end up getting the person kicked out. Like it's better for that than the person getting hurt or dying.

After this I started looking into things because it didn't make sense to me. I did everything that was asked of me. I stayed away from drugs, crime, etc. I actually went through college even when my teachers in HS said I shouldn't be able to graduate HS. I stuck out what jobs I could and only quit 1 job, but that was by force. And while I did get fired from many, I went out of my way to show I knew how to code and what not. Anyways, I came across studies saying people who are autistic and have degrees are 85% likely to be unemployed or underemployed. And I found studies on how the UK looked into how much of the homeless is autistic, and they found around some of the cities it was 65% or more. Then I found it was highly common for autistic people to be abused in work places and other places.
I brought a lot of this up to my parents because it was looking like I simply am not going to get anything that will put a real dent in my life. Like beyond the fast food/retail industry. They agreed I can stay with them as long as need, but we made a plan. Where they would buy a farm and have things contracted out. That I would help them get it up and running, and keep things up. And I can be the farm manager. While this does make me happy, it should be noted that it's estimated that it will take close to 10 years before I would get a livable wage. Just harvesting the crops it will take 7 years for much of it to mature to that point.

Anyways, what brings me here is I'm having a hard time figuring out what is wrong with me. The other day I found a basic help desk job on indeed that I could get if I put in for it and it wasn't already taken down (maybe, some of these they hire people with multiple years of experience because the job market in my area is so poor). My anxiety shot up to the roof and I was extremely suicidal. And this was simply for seeing there was a job I realistically could get. And this that happens isn't anything new.
So my anxiety is always up because I know if my parents get tired of me or want to just because. There isn't a single thing I could do to prevent myself from being homeless since I don't have the money/income to support myself. And then when it comes down to looking for any job and seeing there is one I could work (even part time), if I had a gun next to me I wouldn't be talking to you now.

What is wrong with me? And don't give me the crap that there isn't anything wrong with me. This isn't normal.

Note, there is a number of other things going on and a bit of info I didn't talk about since I don't think it relates. Like how even today I'm trying to work on doing independent product development and a number of other things (but none of it has made me anything). I mean something that might relate is how my entire family outside of my dad's parents, my parents, and maybe 2 or 3 others 1000% hates my parents and I. I believe it is due to my sister lying about us. And the only thing I ever wanted in my life since I was a kid is a stable family and stable life. But the details going beyond that, I doubt it relates.

 

[timf]

Aspergers (what some autism was called previously) could be considered a neurological variant. Often associated with heightened sensitivity, Aspergers can present with a more focused internal mental processing as well. This focus can lead a person to give too much importance to the comments of others often leading to an over-reaction or feeling insulted when nothing negative was intended. There are people who do not like anyone different. Many jobs requiring higher education also require that a person have a personality that is not different. As a result, you can get mixed signals where you are accepted for your academic credentials and rejected because you are different.

I hired a guy once who had Aspergers. He had been fired from a previous job for getting into a fistfight with a fellow employee. I put him on 2nd shift and had him work by himself 30 feet away from anyone else. He did well, but many employers would be reluctant to bring on anyone that required special accommodation.

The "why" of your situation would be helpful if it revealed anything that would help to make changes. Asperger people tend to have to discover management techniques and coping skills. You might consider https://wrongplanet.net/forums/wrongplanet.com

This forum has people with Aspergers asking questions and helping each other out with how to better deal with various situations.

I have heard it said that if you work for a small company, you need to keep the customers happy. If you work for a medium size company, you have to keep your boss happy, If you work for a big company or the government, you have to play politics, but you may be able to carve out a empire for yourself. You might find working for a small company (even as a laborer) more satisfactory. You might use periods of unemployment as opportunities to try different kinds of work and work environments. Experimentation can often produce unexpected results which can be of benefit.

 

[Thatdude]

You might consider https://wrongplanet.net/forums/wrongplanet.com

Thanks for pointing them out.

 

[Thatdude]

UPDATE: I tried the site and it has virtually no one on there. I've asked this on reddit, there, and here and so far no one was able to give me an answer.

 

[Sensei]

I'm a teacher and special education is part of my job. I've had several pupils in the autism spectrum and followed their development. I've noticed that those who manage to overcome their disability so that they can live (almost) normal lives compensate for their lack of empathy with technique. By that I mean that they learn to read other people mechanically, e.g. by memorizing facial expressions and what feelings they represent. They also learn rules of thumb for communication. If I may be candid, people in the autism spectrum tend to be a little bit impulsive, wordy, and self-absorbed, but those who manage to overcome this do so by learning rules of thumb for when to speak and for how long and when to stop and listen. You may already know all of this, but that's my experience anyway.

 

[noaccount]

Hi Thatdude -

I never mention that I am autistic to potential bosses. However they read me, I try to leave as their own problem.

For me college felt kind of like a waste of time. The things I care about intellectually, I learned about from grassroots organizers or self-taught. Job-wise, getting a foot in the door of some skilled trades, technical training for jobs where I don't have to talk to people much, has been what's helped me. But now a lot of those jobs are not happening much, or are more dangerous to do because of the pandemic. Now I am trying to get a Commercial Driver's License so I can drive trucks because that seems like a good backup option to have, and fairly low risk of virus.

Some autistic people are actually less verbal than the norm.

Sad that the wrongplanet forums are mostly abandoned now. I think I've heard good things about neurodiversity groups on facebook, I don't have an fb account myself anymore though.

 

[Thatdude]

I'm a teacher and special education is part of my job.... I've noticed that those who manage to overcome their disability so that they can live (almost) normal lives

Let me ask you a quick question. How many of your students have you seen, connected with, an figure out how well their lives are by the time they get to be 28 years old or above? (I'm giving this number because by then they should be out of college and in the real world for a few years)
Like what is the % of students you done this with?

How many of them are employed, have their own place, and at least not within the poverty line?

Yesterday I asked on some autistic places how many are unemployed vs employed. One of the people said this

I'm late fifties. Life is generally bad now like it's been my whole life.

I tried to work but the strain on my health made it very counterproductive. Work is for enabling living, but it was quickly killing me. I pretty much figured out that for anything I can do there are so many people who can do it better. It felt fake for me to not acknowledge that.

I can try to say more if you wish.

I'm late fifties

Did you retire with enough money, or do you have to use benefits? If you're on benefits, what country are you in and what benefits do you use to financially help you?

When you say it was killing you. Were you talking about you becoming more and more suicidal, or were you referring to things like your immune system not working right due to the stress?

How long were you able to keep your jobs on average?

What type of job/s was it?

Life is generally bad now like it's been my whole life.

Please explain why your life is generally as bad as it has been throughout your life now that you're retired

What is the hardest part about being retired as someone who is autistic?

I managed to work enough years to get disability benefits from the United States government. I've always only had enough income that I've been in poverty my whole life.
Trying to work was physically killing me from the demands on my body while always being unable to get the work done also took a heavy mental toll. I often used to think about crashing my car.
I was in electronics repair. But really I was only able to do designing of my own ideas. I could create things at my own pace and things that could attract my attention.
The longest job I had was about two years. But my ankle got an unhealing sore and I couldn't function anymore.
My life is bad now because I don't have enough money. The cost of living is too high. Also, doing what I can to take care of my health, my body is still breaking down from age and hardship.

I suggest looking at the following.




I have degrees in aerospace, networking, general computer, and industrial tech which focuses on cyber security. I have around 40 or so certs behind me. I've worked in jobs which includes cleaning toilets for $8 A WEEK, normal jobs like retail, manufacturing, QA, freelance, and a number of others. Nearly every job I was harassed in.
One of the jobs it gotten so bad that the manager openly told me that I should kill myself and it would make the world a better place. I've talked to lawyers about it, and they said there was nothing I could do about it without hard evidence. I reported them to HR, and I was the one who got fired.

You seem very very very stuck up and my point is this is part of the problem.

If I may be candid, people in the autism spectrum tend to be a little bit impulsive, wordy, and self-absorbed

You might call us self-absorbed, but with what I told you above, who in that is really? I've literally been laughed out of interviews due to how I talk. IMO that isn't normal, and that isn't how people should be treated.

And while I believe I can get a job in some fast food joint or Walmart. At this point I have to wonder if that is the best I can get ever. That I will always be working irregular hours, always stressed out, working in a job with no insurance, working in a job with no retirement, and basically working in a job that is society views one that is fit for someone in HS. And if I have to live life in constant poverty.

Now the reason why I posted what I did is because I feel there might be something more going on. I'm wondering if maybe it's some type of PTSD due to all the mistreatment, burnout, or something else.

I'm a teacher and special education is part of my job

BTW a quick tip that might help you if you have any influence over the diets of the kids. Try to cut out process flour and sugar. The process flour (bread and what not) seems to cause major emotional problems. A number of us have notice by making this 1 change it helps. It takes about 2 weeks to notice, but it's worth a try. The sugar part is mostly because it has addictive qualities into it. Where as things like Splenda and things like that doesn't. But between the 2 process flour is a major major problem.

Commercial Driver's License

Something I would keep an eye on if I was to do that is self driving trucks. It seems to me that is around the corner because test are already happening. Like short distance seems to be fine until the prices go down. But it seems like if you're starting today, then you couldn't stay with it until you retire. Like at some point you will have to make a career change. And as you might know, the older you are when you do, the harder it is due to ageism and what not