Venting I can't face the world

[c821]

Whenever I look at myself I remember the suffering that came before me. My ancestors (and yours) lived through plagues, wars, chronic disease, dawn to dusk toil, hunger, extreme weather, and many other struggles. They watched half of their children die as infants. They lived in squalor and filth. And after all of those generations I am their last descendant, living in one of the wealthiest nations on Earth in the 21st century. I have plentiful food and water, a climate controlled home, financial stability, people who would care if I died. I have never truly struggled to live.

I am weak. I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of shame in the degenerated being that I am. I cannot understand what motivated these people to survive and raise the next generation in a brutal world. I have no desire to build a future. I am not stupid, I have potential, but I cannot stick with a job or stay in school. My life prospects are becoming very limited as a result. No matter what I try I keep running in circles, growing older and falling further behind. Whatever that magic motivation is I do not have it and will never have it. That's the core of it. Even with all the advantages I have been afforded, "success" still takes a lot of hardship and work, and I don't see how it is worth it.

Did everyone just lie to themselves to keep on living?

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm 42 (M) from Indonesia. I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing you're probably still a lot younger than me (& so are many/most people in this forum website). I rarely visit this website anymore, but the reason why I feel compelled to reply to your thread post, is because I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling/thinking like that. I can deeply relate, too.

Although there's still a lot of problems (& failures) in my life, but I do admit that at least I'm still quite privileged, even spoiled too much. Tbh, I'm a NEET, which basically means that I still live with my parents, single, jobless, for quite a long time. Yeah, so you can see how much actually I'm still a failure, a sad useless pathetic loser even. Similar like you, I also honestly feel like maybe I'm just too 'weak' for this cruel world. Somehow, it seems like my personality, character, etc2 just can't/don't fit in with this 'normal' society/world. My mind is just way too 'out there/out of this world' basically, whereas this real-world / real-life / reality is all about money. I feel like I can't compete, & I even hate competitions, but alas, this world/life is seemingly just all about competitions everywhere, almost in all aspects.

Even all my musical talents (yes I'm a musician, although not a successful/famous one, sadly), & my 'okay-ish' musical achievements so far still seemingly can't compensate with the fact that I'm still a failure/loser NEET, especially in this monetary, capitalistic, dog-eat-dog world. And also, my imaginative, creative, & 'deep-thinking' personality also seems to be useless in today's capitalism system/society/world. It's seriously very frustrating & depressing tbh. It's one main reason why I've had a passive suicidal ideation for quite a long time, and it's only getting worse as I've got older now, sadly.

Sorry this suddenly becomes too long, idk, I just feel like sharing here (after a long while I haven't posted/commented anything too in this forum/website), especially since because I can deeply relate with a lot of things you've said, OP.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think our ancestors and even contemporary family members simply see enough reason to keep going, keep striving, keep reproducing, keep complying basically. I don't. It's as simple as that. For me to keep on going till I finally die of old age would feel like being a sheeple. I don't want that. I simply don't see the point. For now, I still feel bound by obligation to be here and comply so as not to upset my Dad. But, when that barrier is gone, I hope I can go too.

 

[memoriesofyesterday]

--"I have no desire to build a future. I am not stupid, I have potential"

I'm envious.

Go live your life and blow the god damn world up and live like a king for all the rest of us.

Go live your life...

c821 is not just some 'guy' on a message board.