L
lamargue
sleepwalker
- Jun 5, 2024
- 473
i feel like i am completely dissociated with reality, as if the people around me are specters of my mind. i haven't interacted with a person outside of my family in months. girls, in particular, i have maybe interacted twice in my life with, aside from my mother. i really cannot comprehend what it would be like to enter into a relationship with a girl. i might not crave for it, since i feel utterly dejected, as if i've already been consigned to a fate of loneliness and indifference.
it seems too much effort to integrate oneself into the culture in order to better optimize their chances of finding a partner. things like extending ones own hobbies, interests, etc., some of which i have tried but inevitably come off as desperate and crude attempts at connection. they are not sustainable.
i have nothing in common with other people. and this is not some pitiful attempt to cement my own individuality. i really could not care, since i don't even consider myself an individual at the moment. my own interests are mirrored by none, and if they are then i probably don't have enough knowledge of it to fully connect with another person. maybe it all reduces to my inept social skills. i had a friend once who i considered a genius in terms of social adaptability. he would weave intricate stories of the most banal subjects, such as warehouse labour, roughnecks and overworked hardcaps, slack-jawed storeclerks, etc. i can't imagine being that comfortable with another person so as to prattle on without worry or incident. even when i type i am unsatisfied with the content of what i am trying to convey, since i feel as if i contradict myself on many points. if i try to, i am misunderstood; if i am understood, i am proven wrong.
but maybe i am conflating sexual intimacy and the other parts of a relationship. of course, i think the latter takes precedence over the former, only sofar as the latter improves the former. but i don't think i will ever know. i sometimes daydream of the people who killed themselves while still virgins. i may join their rank soon enough. i guess i envision these female personas online, most of whom share some interests with me, albeit trivial ones which i doubt could serve as the basis of any healthy relationship. i will die without having ever known intimacy.
it seems too much effort to integrate oneself into the culture in order to better optimize their chances of finding a partner. things like extending ones own hobbies, interests, etc., some of which i have tried but inevitably come off as desperate and crude attempts at connection. they are not sustainable.
i have nothing in common with other people. and this is not some pitiful attempt to cement my own individuality. i really could not care, since i don't even consider myself an individual at the moment. my own interests are mirrored by none, and if they are then i probably don't have enough knowledge of it to fully connect with another person. maybe it all reduces to my inept social skills. i had a friend once who i considered a genius in terms of social adaptability. he would weave intricate stories of the most banal subjects, such as warehouse labour, roughnecks and overworked hardcaps, slack-jawed storeclerks, etc. i can't imagine being that comfortable with another person so as to prattle on without worry or incident. even when i type i am unsatisfied with the content of what i am trying to convey, since i feel as if i contradict myself on many points. if i try to, i am misunderstood; if i am understood, i am proven wrong.
but maybe i am conflating sexual intimacy and the other parts of a relationship. of course, i think the latter takes precedence over the former, only sofar as the latter improves the former. but i don't think i will ever know. i sometimes daydream of the people who killed themselves while still virgins. i may join their rank soon enough. i guess i envision these female personas online, most of whom share some interests with me, albeit trivial ones which i doubt could serve as the basis of any healthy relationship. i will die without having ever known intimacy.