I can’t do this anymore

[toxicjester]

I'm starting to not care anymore about loose ends. I'm not a kind person and my gf realizes that now. She says I don't love her or make her feel loved. She says the exact stuff my mom says even though she says that my mom says bullshit and that "that's not what I'm saying" when she says that I just justify everything and I tell her that that's what my mom told me

I don't even care that I don't have a proper method ready. I don't know what's holding me back. Maybe because I'm not so stupid to ruin another person's life by running into traffic or a train or some bullshit. But I need a method I can do asap. I'd even do something now and lock myself in the bathroom if I had something I could take that'd do it. She wouldn't care because I'm just selfish and evil and I always want to hurt her and I don't love her

I'm a horrible thing to exist and if there was a god somehow he fucked up and made me. I am the universe looking at itself and recoiling at the ugly monstrous thing I am

I don't deserve to be a harp seal. I don't deserve a mama. I deserve to die in agony alone and scared and feeling everything before I go

 

[toxicjester]

I can't even get a break! I can't help her with her dysphoria no matter what I try and I really try to think of very angle with everything I've tried but then if I tell her that she just says that it's because I'm not analyzing and understanding her and that if I did know her I'd know how to help her feel better when in reality this dysphoria is something only she can face. I can certainly try to help and support but she has to do it! But I get blamed for it
And then she has the audacity to say that I'm holding her attempt over her head for saying that I might tell her mom to watch over her when before I left for work she was talking like she might attempt again and that I've told her that I'm scared to leave her or leave her alone because of her attempt. If anything she's holding her attempt over my head because I "didn't react in a good way" and "I knew you wouldn't change anything I should've killed myself that day" and "I can't even have a good relationship" "I almost killed myself because I couldn't get the care I need and you don't even care"

I tried going on Reddit for the millionth time to ask for advice but it's all shit I've done! Even when someone didn't just restate a method that I had listed on my post, it was still something I had tried in the past and it didn't work!! "Just ask her what she wants from you!" MOTHERFUCKER I CANT!! She gets pissed because "I shouldn't have to coach you" and "if you understood me you'd know what's make me happy and what I want"

I've tried so much! I'm so tired! I can't leave and as much as she talks about being trapped in the cycle motherfucker I'm right in here also! Except the responsibility is on me because if I don't succeed, you hate me and think I don't love you and then say "I just shouldn't ask for it ever again" and then proceed to ask for it while in The same breath saying "you won't actually change anything because you don't ever do anything new".

No one is going to help me because I'm in this universe alone! The universe has told me something bad is going to happen. Someone is going to die. And I fucking wish it was me but I feel like it isn't.

Where's my mama?? I'm so lost and scared and I'm so small and I'm just a baby harp!! My mama left me alone and I don't know how to do anything by myself and I'm cold and I'm hungry and I'm scared and alone and no one cares! No one cares to see a harp seal crying and looking around all scared!! No one cares and I'm all alone

 

[DefyGravity]

You're not alone. I hear you

 

[cme-dme]

I used to have a girlfriend like this. Impossible to please, expects you to be able to read minds, never lets you leave your mistakes behind, etc. Screwed me up for years. I'm sorry you're experiencing a similar thing. Hopefully you can find some peace...hopefully away from this person.

 

[toxicjester]

You're not alone. I hear you

thank u

I used to have a girlfriend like this. Impossible to please, expects you to be able to read minds, never lets you leave your mistakes behind, etc. Screwed me up for years. I'm sorry you're experiencing a similar thing. Hopefully you can find some peace...hopefully away from this person.

don't want her away, just want her to be happy and my gf from before ! when she would hold me when i cried and say it's okay, mama's right here and i was allowed to be sad

my sorry ur situation, it's a rlly difficult situation and wouldn't wish it on anyone. my best wishes for you and seals for you