Venting i can’t do this anymore

[jigsaw_falling]

i'm honestly not a nihilistic person, and i generally love life and think a lot of it is beautiful. because of this, no matter how shit my mental health gets, and despite browsing this sasu regularly and thinking about ctb often, i've held out hope in the long run and the thought of ACTAULLY killing myself seemed very unlikely.

but i'm currently at the point where i'm not only tired of being in a loop of self hatred and self destruction, but waking up every day feels agonising. my life isn't awful 100% of the time, i have moments that make me intensely happy sometimes, but they're so fleeting and they disappear so quickly only to be replaced by heaviness and shame and self loathing and it's all so exhausting.

i don't have access to guns, or sn, or any drugs apart from prozac and paracetamol, as well as alcohol. i've been thinking a lot about ODing on those, because it's the easiest and least daunting to me, but the chances that'll fail are pretty high. partial hanging is definitely a method i need to look more into, but i feel like if fuck it up.
honestly, i'm thinking about jumping in front of a train. i know it will traumatise people that see me, including the driver, but i'm honestly so desperate, which is why i need a method that isn't unlikely to work and is also accessible to someone without access to a lot of resources and who lives with their parents.

this would be my first suicide attempt, and i need it to actually work because i cannot stand this any longer. i genuinely do think i have potential for things to be alright and for me to enjoy life, but i'm in too much pain to just stick this out.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring being trapped in that situation, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans, it's such a cruel existence where people suffer all through no fault of their own, I certainly hate how difficult and inaccessible suicide is in this world. And OD on paracetamol really isn't recommended if one wishes to ctb.