Venting I can't do this anymore... Im broken beyond repair...

[Dawn0071111]

Something is wrong with me. I know it. Deep down inside. Emptiness. A bottomless pit. I am a bad person. These are not the refections of a depressed persons inmer critic. I cannot love. I spent all my life trying to find someone to love me, save me, rescue me..
Fix me make it all better. Just to feel pretty, wanted, desired.... I married the guy who asked cause I settled. I hate myself for how I have lived. How did such a pretty, talented, smart girl.end up on a suicide forum? Cause that shit dot matter. I have almost No Emotional intelligence. I am damaged goods, a toddler trapped in a grown womans body screaming & no one is coming. I don't care anymore how I got like this.... I have resources to try & change my core. But Im tired yall. I want the easy way out. Yup. If I don't have the ability to love & connect, then I am worthless garbadge. Love is everything. The only thig worse than not being loved, is not being ableto love. I don't love myself and according to the experts you must first love yourself in order to truly love others so what the f*** have I been doing all these years with all these people? I've never been in a mutually attracted relationship in my life. Every single person I've ever been attracted too has not felt the same way about me and vice versa. Even with my husband who we will be getting divorced soon but I'm sure I'll be dead before then. For the first time in my life at 39 years old I met someone that I was attracted to that actually I thought was attracted to me too but it all turned out to be a sham. I feel and I can't do anything right and I don't want to climb out of this deep hole it's too deep. I just feel like if I stay here long enough I can finally get the courage to curl up into that little ball with the generator on...

The world will be a better place without the actual me. Sure some future cleaned up ideal, might be good. But as I am. Im just a pathetic leech. An emotional scavenger, doomed to be dependant upon others to feel alive. I can't find a cure. I believe God will have mercy on my withered, awful, soul...

Dang, I am so sad, in.anguish... Im so.hopless...

I just need to fill.up the gas comtainer. Will.do that tomorrow....

I would like some support as I take steps closer to the door of the bus. I.don't want to go alone...

 

[wanttodie.nz]

When I read your story I see my story. I was married to a woman for over 10 years and she wanted to separate last October. It was all my fault too because I took her for granted. That is yet another mistake in my whole life of mistakes which I can never stop making. I too will be dead before we have to sign those divorce papers because I will never bring myself to be able to do it. My wife is better off without me (she has said this many times), she is taking care of the kids and I am just a burden on the rest of my family.

Everyone says that I should move on but I can't. I keep coming back to her. Even if I was able to I can't love anyone else because I don't love myself and I think I never have. I am a broken defeated soul.

We will of course support you however we can. What are you planning on doing?

 

[Dawn0071111]

My preferred choice is C02 by portable generator... But for some reason hanging has been in my soul... Hanging seems to be the most natural way to go. When my ideations first started, I would always see a noose or a belt being tightened around my neck.... in my minds eye. Even before I did any research on a method. Kids as young as 7 hung themselves... So I am noow considering which is easiest.... Its just with gas, there is time for me to do last minute real-time communications on forum and on phone before I pass out..
I.just want to feel like i have a few hands to hold as I het ready to.take the leap. Of course Im.nervous.... but I refuse to live like this.... I want to die saying goodbye to some souls that genuinely understand my plight...

 

[wanttodie.nz]

Did you mean CO or CO2? CO2 is not a pleasant way to die compared with CO. Personally I tried hanging but I found it too uncomfortable and scary so I'm going to go out with CO from some disposable BBQs in my car.

But you do whatever you feel is right for you.

 

[Donewith_]

You sound like me.. i have wanted someone who will accept me , be there for me.
I was very much suppressed in my childhood.. i used to be afraid to express myself at home. I used to not share anything with anyone.. because of fear. Later, i used to dissociate mentally from myself .. and imagine things.. just because it made me feel good to imagine that someone care for me. Its messed up for a kid to do so.
A while later.. my sister came to live with us. I was happy and i was 'living my life'.. the whole time she was with us. Coz she did not let the abuse happen,she stood up for me. i felt like a human..equal to people around me.But, today i am unable to return that favour to her kids.
I just wanted someone to be there for me.When You know..someone has got your back..that feels really good to have that support.

I used to feel empty, like always having that sad feeling. Not sad too.. its like, nothingness.

Sorry you had a hard time all this while. I don't like myself that much either. I know how loneliness feels. I don't have anything good to offer.. i myself am lost about this. don't be hard on yourself.. some of us have mental issues which are exhausting to deal. . I hope you can find a way to love yourself.

 

[bruisedmind]

I know exactly how this feels. I wish I'd died a long time ago so that I'd be none the wiser to how horrible it can really get. I hope to find peace and I hope you do too

 

[reveriewong]

How are you doing now?

 

[Prideathwish]

Did you mean CO or CO2? CO2 is not a pleasant way to die compared with CO. Personally I tried hanging but I found it too uncomfortable and scary so I'm going to go out with CO from some disposable BBQs in my car.

But you do whatever you feel is right for you.

 

[pigglywiggly]

When I read your story I see my story. I was married to a woman for over 10 years and she wanted to separate last October. It was all my fault too because I took her for granted. That is yet another mistake in my whole life of mistakes which I can never stop making. I too will be dead before we have to sign those divorce papers because I will never bring myself to be able to do it. My wife is better off without me (she has said this many times), she is taking care of the kids and I am just a burden on the rest of my family.

Everyone says that I should move on but I can't. I keep coming back to her. Even if I was able to I can't love anyone else because I don't love myself and I think I never have. I am a broken defeated soul.

We will of course support you however we can. What are you planning on doing?

How old are your kids?

 

[wanttodie.nz]

How old are your kids?

5, 7, 9

 

[Dawn0071111]

How are you doing now?

Hi, I'm still here. I don't think I'll ever sink into the level or pain and despiar that hit me when I was traumatized last summer and tried to CTB in January. But my resolve to die is still pretty intact. I still have all of my gear, for my method. I just have to use all the energy I have left to put all of the affiars in order for my poor dear soon to be ex-husband. I know it will crush him. But he will survive. I would never want to leave extra madness on him so I have to get together all the bills, financses, statements, passwords, doscuments... and also I have deicided not to do it in the house, because he will need to live here after and that would be fucked up to try and sleep in the same house where your wife killed herself. So I am in planning mode. Just with less energy and a lot slower. If something comes along the way and saves me between now and then great but I am tired of trying to "save myself". Thanks for checking in. Hows your life and gig going?

 

[veren4h92l]

Hi Dawn,
I 'm sorry for all the agony you're into. But whichever decision you will make and whatever thoughts there will be..I just wanted to say I feel sorry..and you are not a wrong..Especially not inside. There's a lot wrong outsides that doesnt deserve anything and is just crap. You're still a loving and caring person.. Hope you will keep some strength to yourself to escape suffering..

 

[Dawn0071111]

Hi Dawn,
I 'm sorry for all the agony you're into. But whichever decision you will make and whatever thoughts there will be..I just wanted to say I feel sorry..and you are not a wrong..Especially not inside. There's a lot wrong outsides that doesnt deserve anything and is just crap. You're still a loving and caring person.. Hope you will keep some strength to yourself to escape suffering..

Hi Thank you for your kind words. I was particularly taken by your saying that I am still a loving and caring person. That really touched me. Was there something in my post that conveyed this? My ptsd makes me cut off from feeling that there is any good left in myself.

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

Hi Thank you for your kind words. I was particularly taken by your saying that I am still a loving and caring person. That really touched me. Was there something in my post that conveyed this? My ptsd makes me cut off from feeling that there is any good left in myself.

PTSD is a wicked m-f; it splits us off from our ability to see and acknowledge the good parts of ourselves. I share your inability to accept I am a loving and caring person in spite of continual evidence (pointed out by others) that I do care and love. Such a painful disconnect to live with.

 

[Fr2]

Was there something in my post that conveyed this?

Your post was soft. When people feel that disconnected and in pain, many become cold, many become psycopaths, many speak to other people as if others are garbage, their words are angry, cold, dismissive or scornful.

Your way of communicating is soft and gentle to perception. That can only come from a place where there's warmth, somewhere there unseen yet right under the surface.

I admire people who experience this level of disconnectedness and remain humane to others. I couldn't be like that when I was in that dark place you're in. And I was still able to find a way out. I hope you'll find too. When you're on the edge, you'll be very close to that which will help you. When you're about to fall the last time, turn around from that chasm and look one last time. The answer will show itself there, at the limit between life and death. I don't have doubts about this, because I relate enormously to what you said about love and connection, so your brokenness and the one I had must be on the same page.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Your post was soft. When people feel that disconnected and in pain, many become cold, many become psycopaths, many speak to other people as if others are garbage, their words are angry, cold, dismissive or scornful.

Your way of communicating is soft and gentle to perception. That can only come from a place where there's warmth, somewhere there unseen yet right under the surface.

I admire people who experience this level of disconnectedness and remain humane to others. I couldn't be like that when I was in that dark place you're in. And I was still able to find a way out. I hope you'll find too. When you're on the edge, you'll be very close to that which will help you. When you're about to fall the last time, turn around from that chasm and look one last time. The answer will show itself there, at the limit between life and death. I don't have doubts about this, because I relate enormously to what you said about love and connection, so your brokenness and the one I had must be on the same page.

Wow. Your words are a little balm to my soul. I cannot gurantee anyone that I won't board that bus, but it is a cherished blessing to collect little tidbits of genuine caring, and kindness from my fellow human beings. Its all I ever wanted. But for some reason I can't seem to cultivate the skills to make that utopian, hippe love fest, family I have sought and even at times tried to create to be sustainable.

Obviously I have had my moments of wrath, of being lashing out at those who did not deserve it- that wasn't my mainstay---- For me, i have always felt like a little delicate flower princess. My true self. To weak, delicate and fragile for this harsh word (I know that sounds soooooo trite, goth and to be expected on a suicide board...but still it is my truth...lol) I know many will disagree with me. Ever since my first day in the hospital from my failed attempt in January, that I "am stronger than I think..." Healing is all about strength. But I'm no longer interested in being strong. It goes against my nature no matter how much my culture preaches about reslilence. Years of therapy could change this probably...But for those like me I hear the prognosis is dim.

Deep down inside, I am all flowers, unicorns, fluffy clouds, a princess in a flowing dress hair decorated with flowers, dancing accross a flied of flowers to the happiest music ever...... My brokenness is complete. Mamny people say: "....wether you say you can or can't it true..." I dont buy it..... I can say all day that I am strong, that I can do it, but sometimes there is accpetance too. I accept that I have an emotional limitation that will affect my quality of life to such an extent I deem it would be a life not worth living.

I am told that while we are communal beings. We are also not supposed to be dependant. I am. I don't want to live like this. Soft sweet, scared, empty, always needing validation, a never ending search for love and accpetance. I do not believe I could never give this to myself. I was crushed to the point of trauma an PTSD when I did meet someone who seemed to meet all my needs.

I'm nothing more than an emotional addcit. A slave. A little scavenger digging through life searching for any bits of love, connection I can find. I am suprised I haven't had more adult abuse than I have. Probably my appearance deters most predators... (I am 5'9'' black girl....My imposing presentaion goes againt what is really inside. I hate that....lol)

Sorry for the rant, but yes. Thank you. I would love to be rescued. Saved. It seemed to be providence at my first attempt. I escaped in a total blackout---- From the room full of c02. Next time it will be a vehicle and I will disarm the lock to make the sure the the same mistake doesn't happen again.

Bascially my choises are:

1. Take the reighns, do the hard work to heal and create the future I desire

2. Hope for save me, fix me.... make it all better (Not that I would be comepletely passive, not at all but more of someone else taking the lead)

3. CBT

Your awesome. Thank you for sharing and encouragement. :):):)

 

[Fr2]

@Dawn0071111 ,
you probably can't imagine how much I relate to what you said in your response. It's something I lived for decades... You're trapped very much indeed and drifting alone, it takes immense strength to keep going, to make basically any effort. Whatever direction you'll choose, hell I get it. Best wishes to you.

 

[Laststop]

@Dawn0071111 It's kind of funny how people who have ended up at the same place can be so different. I have been unattractive to women my whole life. And even when I was able to get some of them to be interested in me I screwed it up. Over the course of my life I evolved into thinking and feeling that the love you crave so much is to be avoided. I have known many people who can't seem to live without someone else. When I was young I craved love too. I think I stopped wanting someone else in my life in my early 20s. Probably because all my relationships were very short lived. I just can't connect with other people except on a very shallow level. I don't get them, and they don't get me. I don't want to change for them, and put up with their crap, and they feel the same about me. Eventually youth faded, my body has given into old age kind of early (almost 50) and no one has shown much interest in many years, even strangers at first glance. So I don't get where you're coming from. People can piss off as far as I'm concerned. But, my health is going, and I lost my job. I have problems just like you, just different ones. But I live inside my own self so much. I'm sorry you're unhappy. I don't know...if I could somehow magically make you like me when it comes to other people, I don't know if it'd be the right thing to do. Other people....I just don't get them.