paroxyical
you dont have to understand to accept.
- Feb 15, 2020
- 149
please let me know if this needs any trigger warnings
about two months ago, i broke up with my ex. he was 46 and married, and i am 18. we met when i was 16 and started dating when i was 17.
he abused me mentally whether he meant to or not. and i really dont know if he meant to. in all fairness i abused him back. we both told each other we would kill ourself if the other left. i regret that and i wish i hadnt been abusive in this way.
i suppose my excuse is that i was very mentally unstable and unwell. i have borderline personality meaning my emotions for him were extremely intense and i was "splitting" on him most the time we were together. i was trying to ctb every couple of weeks and constantly cutting, usually in reaction to things he said to me. he made me feel extremely anxious, made me think that my parents deserve to die, made me think i would be nothing without him. he was extremely critical of me. we were constantly arguing. i couldnt do anything right. he constantly made reference to, and touched, my chest despite it making me very dysphoric.
i have OSDD. which means in stressful times of my life i have alters who take over my body. he would purposely trigger out certain alters to have sex with. he taught my 13 year old alter how to masturbate and had sex with her. obviously this isnt underage sex in the eyes of 99% of people, but to me this is very real.
the memories from the last two years are a blur of subtle abuse and obsession and mental instability.
but anyway im trying to get over him. i have a crush, who wants to try going on a date once quarantine is loosened. i love them. they are accepting of my BPD and OSDD and autism. they try to help me. theyre great at taking my mind off of things. theyve helped keep my mind off of my ex for a while now.
but today i saw him. i was with my parents on a walk, and i saw him. and i instantly had a panic attack. i had to try to hold it in because i couldnt let my parents know what was going on. i was crying involuntarily and i just pretended it was my hayfever.
i felt honestly terrible. i could have ctb on the spot if i was given the chance. all the emotions and memories came flooding back. now i cant stop thinking about him.
i hate him, i do. i think. or at least hate what he let us get into. i hate that he makes me feel dirty. i hate that he makes me feel stupid and dumb. i hate that this is gonna affect the rest of my life.
there are 3 people (all linked to him) who i have an instant panic attack upon seeing. ive actually only seen him and another person around, not his wife. his wife stalked me for a while. wanted me dead. i dont know what i'd do if i saw her. i have constant daydreams of killing myself in front of her, letting the blood stain her clothes and face. i want to cause her long term psychological harm just like her and my ex did.
i feel so unstable. any advice on how not to relapse into the terrible state ive been in before. would be appreciated a lot.
about two months ago, i broke up with my ex. he was 46 and married, and i am 18. we met when i was 16 and started dating when i was 17.
he abused me mentally whether he meant to or not. and i really dont know if he meant to. in all fairness i abused him back. we both told each other we would kill ourself if the other left. i regret that and i wish i hadnt been abusive in this way.
i suppose my excuse is that i was very mentally unstable and unwell. i have borderline personality meaning my emotions for him were extremely intense and i was "splitting" on him most the time we were together. i was trying to ctb every couple of weeks and constantly cutting, usually in reaction to things he said to me. he made me feel extremely anxious, made me think that my parents deserve to die, made me think i would be nothing without him. he was extremely critical of me. we were constantly arguing. i couldnt do anything right. he constantly made reference to, and touched, my chest despite it making me very dysphoric.
i have OSDD. which means in stressful times of my life i have alters who take over my body. he would purposely trigger out certain alters to have sex with. he taught my 13 year old alter how to masturbate and had sex with her. obviously this isnt underage sex in the eyes of 99% of people, but to me this is very real.
the memories from the last two years are a blur of subtle abuse and obsession and mental instability.
but anyway im trying to get over him. i have a crush, who wants to try going on a date once quarantine is loosened. i love them. they are accepting of my BPD and OSDD and autism. they try to help me. theyre great at taking my mind off of things. theyve helped keep my mind off of my ex for a while now.
but today i saw him. i was with my parents on a walk, and i saw him. and i instantly had a panic attack. i had to try to hold it in because i couldnt let my parents know what was going on. i was crying involuntarily and i just pretended it was my hayfever.
i felt honestly terrible. i could have ctb on the spot if i was given the chance. all the emotions and memories came flooding back. now i cant stop thinking about him.
i hate him, i do. i think. or at least hate what he let us get into. i hate that he makes me feel dirty. i hate that he makes me feel stupid and dumb. i hate that this is gonna affect the rest of my life.
there are 3 people (all linked to him) who i have an instant panic attack upon seeing. ive actually only seen him and another person around, not his wife. his wife stalked me for a while. wanted me dead. i dont know what i'd do if i saw her. i have constant daydreams of killing myself in front of her, letting the blood stain her clothes and face. i want to cause her long term psychological harm just like her and my ex did.
i feel so unstable. any advice on how not to relapse into the terrible state ive been in before. would be appreciated a lot.
