IamBecomeWorm
New Member
- Nov 27, 2025
- 2
So i tried attempting partial suspension. The day before, after thinking about it constantly, I got up before the sunrise. I dressed up (and found something like a lubricant) then went out to find some rope. However I disturbed my dog and so he followed me. I found the rope, but I couldn't bring my dog with me, so i went back into my room and waited until i fell asleep for the next day.
The thing is I was feeling miserable the other day, however sleeping of course will help restore some semblance of a balanced emotional state. I still felt suicidal though. So I did the same thing but making sure to not bring any attention. Took a 30 minute hike up a mountain, watched the sunrise (the pink and oranges bouncing off the clouds is often a pleasant sight) and proceeded to station my rope.
If it weren't so morbid, it would be comedic. i was switching between standing on a rock with the rope around my neck, ready to take a step forwards and relax my legs or sitting on said rock trying to get myself to do anything. I had a small staring contest with a wallaby and considered what kind of life it lived. was it peaceful? was it painful? how aware was it to its existence? Anyways, I went through many mental tricks: Counting down, considering how unchanging my life is so going back was not going to do anything, closing my eyes and trying to imagine a more comfortable place, trying to get used to the feeling of the rope. I was able to almost do it. I heard my neck pop (similar to cracking your knuckles), the pressure on my neck increasing, but then my legs straightened out before I could actually pass out. It was too fast for any permanent damage. At most it gave me a mild headache.
After not accomplishing anything in 2-3 hours. I decided to go back. I just felt extremely hollow. I often think of how instinctual humans tend to be. We are much better at rationalizing our actions rather than taking action based on considered reasoning. There is an argument to be made that reasoning and discussion mainly came about to persuade or dissuade other people, and not necessarily to make good decisions. I digress, the point is I hate how human I am. I hate that I need to sleep, eat and shit. I hate that without any stimulation or socializing the brain will bring me to the deepest pits of hell. I hate the skinner box of social media and how addicted i have become. I hate that my brain developed in such a way that fear will stop me from doing anything.
I still feel hollow, but i feel more alone then ever. Trapped in my cranium. A spectator to my actions. At least this site has brought me a mild level of comfort. I'll probably continue to lurk here, and im not sure when I will develop the courage to properly take my life. Thanks for reading anyways.
The thing is I was feeling miserable the other day, however sleeping of course will help restore some semblance of a balanced emotional state. I still felt suicidal though. So I did the same thing but making sure to not bring any attention. Took a 30 minute hike up a mountain, watched the sunrise (the pink and oranges bouncing off the clouds is often a pleasant sight) and proceeded to station my rope.
If it weren't so morbid, it would be comedic. i was switching between standing on a rock with the rope around my neck, ready to take a step forwards and relax my legs or sitting on said rock trying to get myself to do anything. I had a small staring contest with a wallaby and considered what kind of life it lived. was it peaceful? was it painful? how aware was it to its existence? Anyways, I went through many mental tricks: Counting down, considering how unchanging my life is so going back was not going to do anything, closing my eyes and trying to imagine a more comfortable place, trying to get used to the feeling of the rope. I was able to almost do it. I heard my neck pop (similar to cracking your knuckles), the pressure on my neck increasing, but then my legs straightened out before I could actually pass out. It was too fast for any permanent damage. At most it gave me a mild headache.
After not accomplishing anything in 2-3 hours. I decided to go back. I just felt extremely hollow. I often think of how instinctual humans tend to be. We are much better at rationalizing our actions rather than taking action based on considered reasoning. There is an argument to be made that reasoning and discussion mainly came about to persuade or dissuade other people, and not necessarily to make good decisions. I digress, the point is I hate how human I am. I hate that I need to sleep, eat and shit. I hate that without any stimulation or socializing the brain will bring me to the deepest pits of hell. I hate the skinner box of social media and how addicted i have become. I hate that my brain developed in such a way that fear will stop me from doing anything.
I still feel hollow, but i feel more alone then ever. Trapped in my cranium. A spectator to my actions. At least this site has brought me a mild level of comfort. I'll probably continue to lurk here, and im not sure when I will develop the courage to properly take my life. Thanks for reading anyways.
