i can’t bring myself to want recovery

[iwantdeath6969]

i hate everything about the idea of recovering. it's something i don't believe i deserve, and even if i did, i find therapy and everything surrounding self-improvement so annoying and self absorbed. i know it's a lot of work that you have to be 100% committed to doing, and i don't find myself worth all of that effort.

but i'm at a point where i can't keep living the way i am. i either have to ctb or something in my life has to change. i would obviously prefer to ctb but it's difficult to bring myself to do it because my partner will be so hurt, so i guess i'm trying to see what other options i even have. but it feels like recovery isn't one of them, and i don't know how to change that.

 

[aubrey!]

same here. i don't want help or recovery. even if i knew where to start, i don't feel like i deserve it. ctb might bring closure to those i hurt, who want me dead, anyway.

i'm starting to get to that point. i'll give it a 50/50 i make it to new years,

 

[PAfb_640]

You are not alone. I too am afraid of recovery - probably because I hate change. It takes effort not just physically but also mentally. While death, just offers a way out. But recovering mentally is just like physical recovery, we need to be consistent. Like going to a gym, Y'know.

 

[angeliccry]

same here. i don't want help or recovery. even if i knew where to start, i don't feel like i deserve it. ctb might bring closure to those i hurt, who want me dead, anyway.

i'm starting to get to that point. i'll give it a 50/50 i make it to new years,

recovery may seem like a hard task but i feel like you're probably working on it as we speak. you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself, the past is the past, it's things long gone. you need to look forward and try to fix what you think you've done wrong. you need to have some faith and trust in yourself, you're the one who has the power to change. even if you find it hard to try and actively recover you need to start everything with slow steps, avoid any sort of actions that may hurt you or your mental being, do things you enjoy, take the necessary care of yourself and take rest when needed. i believe in you, there is no such thing as loss cause. we will get through it

 

[Soulless Angel]

I used to want recovery, even if it was a small part of me as I planned other ways to be out, but Ive realised now recovery is nothing but something to keep society happy within its own mind and perfections of how life should be
Don't feel bad for not wanting recovery, nor should you feel ashamed for not trying, we all try no matter how small, in keeping life going, what happens as a result how you feel, is your own, where this path takes you, Iwish you well

 

[aubrey!]

recovery may seem like a hard task but i feel like you're probably working on it as we speak. you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself, the past is the past, it's things long gone. you need to look forward and try to fix what you think you've done wrong. you need to have some faith and trust in yourself, you're the one who has the power to change. even if you find it hard to try and actively recover you need to start everything with slow steps, avoid any sort of actions that may hurt you or your mental being, do things you enjoy, take the necessary care of yourself and take rest when needed. i believe in you, there is no such thing as loss cause. we will get through it

No fixing what I've done. no amount of changing as a person, no amount of apologizing, can do anything. even if i ctb, it will never be fully right.

trust me. ive tried. over and over year after year.

 

[TheRedHare]

It's addicting to wallow in your own suffering, I've been there. It's the easy option, so I can't blame anyone for taking it. It's an uncaring darkness so devoid of life that it feels like the safest place in the world sometimes.

Whatever your individual circumstances, what you've done, how you feel. If you simply live, and live as honestly as you can, time will show you the way. Suffering is a topic I'm deeply interested in but as of right now I believe that suffering can change people more drastically than anything else (for better or worse). If you confront it honestly, accept the darkness inside of you, then you can begin the recovery process.

This doesn't equate to doing any formal means of recovery, it's just a blanket term for living your life with the intent of moving forward.

People might not forgive you, but in order to even give them the chance to, you need to confront yourself honestly and then forgive yourself. Accept the hardships that come with honesty, and you will be better for it.

 

[Coldpizza22]

You gotta be at least a little selfish if you wanna survive in this world. But when you get out of the hole, don't forget the ones that helped you get out.

Be selfish, take the help, even if you belive you don't deserve it. And once you're in a better place you can help people, who are in the same desperate situation as you are. Talk to your partner about your problems. Thats what partners are for. And if in the end it doesn't work out, you can still decide what to do.

 

[MidnightCat]

No fixing what I've done. no amount of changing as a person, no amount of apologizing, can do anything. even if i ctb, it will never be fully right.

trust me. ive tried. over and over year after year.

As someone who hates himself with all his will I understand you.

But... If I think with "logic" my reasons are not that good. I can't change my mind saying I must suffer, as it's the least I can do for being alive.

But, when I try to imagine a third person, doing those things I hate myself for... I don't feel hatred, I feel mostly sadness.

Of course as I said... This won't change what I feel, but helps me (sometimes) to remember that I'm sick and sometimes I see the world in a distorted way.