Story I can't believe I've ruined my best chance to CTB for the foreseeable future.

[Facsimile1204]

Since I've never shown anyone this part of me, I thought I'd begin with some necessary context.

I had the perfect window of opportunity. I have no concrete history of mental health issues, at least on paper anyways, and, although my physical health is spiraling, I've ghosted my doctor and made sure no one around me knows anything. I have the right kind of family, the right amount of obligations to keep them out of my way and an unwillingness to scrutinize me too hard lest they find the reality they fear. Besides them I have completely isolated myself with no friends and no relationships for over a year, functionally agoraphobic at this point.

For over two years now I had been stuck in the same circle: despite a deep desire to CTB, I had no real plan of action so I just ended up feeling worse, only increasing that desire. That all changed a few months back when, in a burst of energy and clarity, I hunkered down and drafted a plan and in doing so I actually experienced a happiness and calm I haven't felt in a long time.

I had nearly enough money already and a window of time when I could sneak out and get what I needed. I even set a deadline for myself that I would CTB by a wedding I have to attend around this time next month. However, just as I started to execute my blueprint I got the news that I would be getting a sum of money more than double what I would need for my plan. This would come from the sale of a kayak I had won in a school contest years ago and which laid forgotten in a shed since then. This seemingly lucky event would actually end up leading to the destruction of my efforts.

You see, the calm and clarity I spoke of earlier allowed me to make what I consider to be reasoned and thought out choices in plotting out each section of my plan. This sudden windfall spoiled that clarity, turning it into indulgence as I quickly drained all of my money on things to give me comfort in what I thought was sure to be the final stretch of my pitiful existence. Unfortunately, the promise of that money also gave me a false sense of security, as I completely failed to see that without any money in the here and now I had put all of my bets on this sale going through. Circumstances changed, buyers became disinterested and as the season closes and I have been told the sale will most likely have to take place next summer.

I fear the worst. With the rate my health is declining and the fact that I haven't gone to the doctor even for a physical in going on two years means I have only so much time before those around me can't ignore it and scrutiny on me skyrockets. The way I see it, the first attempt is the easiest in that no one knows to watch what I am doing, if make a desperate attempt and fail I lose that and risk damaging myself in a way that worsens my quality of life and makes future attempts more difficult. What am I supposed to do now? How could I be so stupid as to lose the best chance I had to cut to black.

I hope this reads okay,
Miles

Note: I drew up my plan as a markdown document that, after editing for site rules and my privacy, I've posted on a pastebin here: cpaste.org (PW: Redprint22)

 

[waitingforrest]

You are right that the first attempt is the easiest, once you get a spot of suicidal attempts in your history, you start to lose some freedoms. As for what to do next, I sadly don't know either. Waiting in limbo is terrible when you want out right now.

 

[Rounded Agony]

It read more than okay. From reading your extra document I'd say you're a very thorough person. Without having any more background on you besides what little's shared here, perhaps seeing your doctor might provide some insight and a way forward that isn't obvious now. Though I feel like the story not told here could either be of the "stunned by a new sudden downturn" type or the "I know exactly how horrible things are and will get" type.

Given the lost but never had kayak money was totally out of the blue, isn't there anything else left over? You wouldn't have spent more than you would've needed for everything, right? How were you planning on getting the money that you needed to make up to begin with? Are things time sensitive? Depending on the answers to all these, maybe it's a sign that this is just not the time. Again just going off of what's been shared, you ostensibly won't have any more eyes on you given your mentally stable history.

I hope things get better from here on out

 

[Hollowillow]

You don't have a credit card? Sharkloan might kill you if you don't pay back hihi. Sell other stuff? Cheaper method? Cbd close to a wedding seems kinda traumatic for them. Use the kayak to go drown? I wish I could help but I'm too scared of files to open your plan. I wonder if you are subconsciously making it extra complicated to stall. Which is totally fine. I'm stalling ... I should go buy a rope soon.

 

[thankyouforthis]

I feel ya. I didn't/don't have a plan at the moment but tonight's the most privacy I've had, for the longest amount of time, in a while. So I kinda wish I had made one. Feels like a missed opportunity. I just keep getting manipulated by Life into thinking it might be worth living, or something. But tonight would have been the perfect night to ctb if only I could figure out how to get what I need (not just paying for it but like literally HOW. I've been burned before, buying the wrong shit. Can't waste any more money on shit that won't work.) Sometimes I do wonder if I'm just stalling, though, because in theory, were I desperate enough, I could have just found a bridge and jumped or something...I guess I still care about myself enough to try to minimize pain and things like that seem so painful, on top of which I do worry if I were to try to do something like that that I might be spotted and institutionalized before I even jumped. I don't want to do anything in public...

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing an ctb attempt is what I fear. That is what holds me back from attempting personally. I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation. In a life like this it can be hard to make plans as life is so unpredictable and uncertain after all. I hope that in whatever happens you find relief from your suffering. Best wishes.