I'm sorry you can understand how it feels.
First, I can't really do it as planned right now. People in my life would be very suspicious of the sudden change in my actions, and I would be much more likely to be "saved". Ugh.
"The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling"
This describes ctb so well. The terror of falling into non-existence as compared to the horror of getting burnt alive by life.
I understand exactly how you feel. Zero hope. Can't breathe.
Can you tell me more? Is this severe depression? That's what I'm dealing with. I never imagined, in all my life, that every moment could be so painful. What's going on with you?
Sure. According to my mental health team (lmfao) this is severe depression. I feel like I don't deserve the label though, especially over the past few days. I've been working really, really hard to tie up loose ends and prepare to die...so I've been doing a lot of shopping (birthdays and Christmas) and have tried to hang out with friends. But I'm so bloody exhausted and still feel awful.
I don't think I can PM yet as I'm newer, but would like to chat here if we can. Same. cPTSD and severe/major depression, but have never had it so severe that I can't get dressed/showered or do basic tasks. I wish I could go out shopping and see friends, but no one could see me this way and couldn't even get to a mall or shopping center. How are you able to get out of bed? Do you eat? I have no appetite. FYI I have to draw up a quick email that would normally take seconds, but everything is taking ages right now, so won't be able to respond for 10 minutes or so, but would really like to chat as I haven't found many on here with severe, debilitating depression. Are you living with anyone?
Responded. If you're able to respond, I should be able to do so again in about 15 minutes or so. I'd really like someone to chat with.
Just got back on, reading through right now. Totally up to chat, although I'm not good at talking just to warn you :/
No worries. You seem to be pretty good at expressing yourself.
Not sure if it showed my response. I imagine you've tried a great deal to resolve the depression as I have? Has it remitted at all?
Mmm, so this bout of depression has been weird. I used to not be able to eat at all when it started. Lost a significant amount of weight very quickly. Then i started taking Lexapro. My appetite didn't return, but I developed a strange apathy and also lost my sense of taste. Ate a bunch of sugary crap to try and taste something, my severe anxiety towards food dissipated so I could eat like this. I stopped the Lexapro after two weeks but still eat like shit. Unfortunately I have a history of binge eating and I think the stars aligned and swung my eating habits the other way. I've been eating a bunch of garbage to try and cope with my emotions and boredom. Totally binging. I've gained 10 pounds in 3 or 4 months and wish I could go back to not being able to eat. I liked looking borderline underweight as bad as it sounds. I looked good for once. Anyway, sorry, yes I do eat now and I eat too much. I really don't even want to eat. Every time I eat I want to make myself puke but I keep eating like this so...yeah. sorry for being so repetitive.
Read a couple of your previous posts. Just becoming accustomed to these threads. I feel like an outcast here as well as so many seem so functional. I was extremely funciton
That all makes a lot of sense. I wish I could be hungry. I have zero appetite. Was on lexapro years ago and for a long time. Have you been on other meds? In terms of the self-harm, has your "team" said anything about BPD?
I've tried so many things. It simply hasn't gotten better. I've had bouts of worsened depression before (dysthymia is my baseline but it gets more severe every now and then)... This is by far the worse I've been though. Meh.
Do you have a plan? You said "my last few weeks." I want each day/moment to be my last, but can't figure out what to do.
Gosh, if you have "severe" depression, I wonder what mine is since I can't even take care of myself - literally can't. I feel like I've tried everything. Too many things. I'm worn out also and just over this life. But I don't know what to do that will assure that I will go? The worst thing would be to end up in a psych ward (I voluntarily admitted myself once) or maimed. But mostly in a psych ward long-term. Have you made plans? I did really well for a few months again (end of December through most of April) and was with someone whom I thought was "my person," finally, and then there was a sudden breakup after all of these talks about it being long-term (it was an intense relationship, where I finally felt loved and respected; I was sure it was permanent), and the end of it seemed to just flip a switch after I've already lost so much and had such a horrific childhood. I don't know what has happened ("nervous breakdown"), but I can't control it. Always got over things in the past, somehow, but sort of always had someone there. But I have no one. And can't see so-called "friends" due to the pandemic and social distancing. All of my friends are with their families in their little "pods."
I tried some sort of partial in 2019, and it was pretty horrendous. Did nothing. Mainly just art and "therapy" - CBT etc. Did nothing. But I was better then than I am now. I could get there, function, dress, etc.
I understand feeling like an outcast. I feel like one socially, like nothing I say even on here is meaningful. If it helps, I doubt you're alone in being unable to function. Really. I know that it doesn't make it any easier though. I think the only reason I'm able to do anything is because I've decided to finally die. I still feel like I'm running on fumes. Still calling into work a lot. I wonder if I'll have the energy to do it when the time comes.
I understand. I was recently told I was BPD - major abandonment issues, but never had self-harm issues in the past and not suicidal ideation until much later - when I was truly abandoned as an adult. But someone also mentioned cPTSD to me, due to my entire childhood/teen years. I'm curious about the SN because it seems difficult to obtain (I'm wondering how you got it and how long it took), and there was also a document shared here (I can forward if you haven't seen), showing that a good number of SN attempts were nonfatal, which seemed scary. Also seems like a pretty lengthy process/steps to take to go through in order to attempt it in which a lot of things have to go right. Apologies - I'm generally much better with my grammar, syntax, etc., but have just been having issues with a lot of confusion as well. So, yes, could use some help in terms of the method/decision and instructions.
I do know, as you said above about yourself, that there is no hope for me.
Trust me mate, it's alright. Depression makes it very difficult to think and articulate things.
Yes, I looked at that guide - and read quite a bit through all of the SN threads. Did you purchase just through a regular browser? Wasn't sure if you had to have a license to buy. I'm in America also, but I can't tell what's what online. I see food grade stuff and percentages, but am new to this and can't really decipher what it is that I need to purchase. Even saw something on amazon. Also looks like you have to take several steps over a fairly long period of time- fasting, antiemetic, etc. Is that the case? I just looked up SN online, and there are different forms (powder, solid, etc) as well as types. Pretty confusing. Somehow, I have an Ivy degree and can't figure it out, though I've read a great deal about it.
Oh shit, I never saw this. I'm so so sorry. Let me read through this and I'll get back to you.
No worries - no need to respond to that, specifically. Was reading medical journals online, and it looks like SN is a pretty gory death in terms of what it does to the stomach, intestines, etc. Just going by what the scientific stuff says....
pasting what i wrote previously, in case you missed it:
I want to respond because what you say is important. It's not a problem.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. Yes, i had major issues prior with mood etc at times, but abandonment is what put me here. I think what is happening is what was, in prior days, called "Nervous Breakdown." Anyway, thank you for sharing your perspective - and for being there. That means a lot - you're taking time out for me, and it's appreciated.
See, and the frustrating thing is that people are so quick to criticize someone who is feeling more depressed, or even suicidal, due to abandonment. Yes, it may sound stupid, but the pain is very real. The thing I appreciate about my recent cPTSD diagnosis is that it really opened the door to me reading Pete Walker's website. He discusses two very interesting concepts - emotional flashbacks and abandonment depression. Some people say he's full of it and what he says is bunk science, but it's at least something that's worth reading and thinking about. It really helps me understand that I'm not crazy, I'm just dealing with things that a lot of other people in my shoes struggle with as well. These are basically breakdowns due to past traumas.
Doesn't sound stupid at all! You really do get it. It's only natural - if one has severe abandonment issues - that being abandoned would create enormous pain. I'll look into Pete Walker's work....thank you for that. "Abandonment Depression" sounds interesting. Possibly like situational depression?
I have his book out right now... I can list important points (based on my understanding):
