I can't bear my repentance.

[PlushieLover]

Hi guys, is me being a pussy again. Okay, my time to go is coming near. However, I still have a lot of regret. I did a lot of damage to someone, I already say I was sorry, I was really really sorry. She said it was okay, but I don't feel like that is enough. I'm still full of regret and is just to much, what can I do? I can't change the past, I can't do anything for her anymore, is way to late.

I'm scared, not even self-harm or death will save me. Is not that I'm scared of hell or something, is something else but I don't know what. I want to tell her that I'M REALLY SORRY and that I REALLY REALLY REALLY MEAN IT. But even if she says that is fine, I would not feel that that is enough. And if not even death or a thousand sorrys can free me from my repentance, then what can?

Maybe my true punishment is not dying young and miserable, it will be dying repentant and without redemption. Please, can someone tell me what should I do? I don't want to die like this. There is definitely a lot more that I want to write but I don't even understand my own thoughts anymore. I can never do anything man, I can not even control myself.


Notes:
What I did was 3 years ago, I was 15 and now I'm almost 19 and I still can't overcome it.
I'm not religious but I used to be (Catholic)
I have not spoken with her for 3 years.
I have only talked about this with my psychologist and she told me that I was young and that young people are assholes basically, but come on, is not an excuse.
I'm madly in love with her to the point that it could be dangerous to speak to her in person; she already have a partner so I would ruin things a little if I dare to talk to her.

That's all, It is funny that I ask for help some internet strangers in something so personal, but hey, this is more to vent more than anything. Thanks for reading.

 

[suicidesheep31]

Hey,

I'M REALLY SORRY and that I REALLY REALLY REALLY MEAN IT

You can say this. And if she reply that she is fine, you can say you don't agree with her. It is not fine for her and you. If someone was doing that to me, I would have (this type of reaction)... I will think (this and that about him...)....

I don't know your story with this girl, if you were together or not in the past. I also don't know if it is a good thing to express that you are in love with her because 1- indeed she is with someone and 2- your feeling of love "seems" to be "dangerous".

After apologizing, I would just avoid the person, distract myself from thoughts of the person and remind myself why love for this person can be "dangerous".

I don't know the details so, I can only say this.
Take care,
HUGS

 

[PlushieLover]

Hey,

You can say this. And if she reply that she is fine, you can say you don't agree with her. It is not fine for her and you. If someone was doing that to me, I would have (this type of reaction)... I will think (this and that about him...)....

I don't know your story with this girl, if you were together or not in the past. I also don't know if it is a good thing to express that you are in love with her because 1- indeed she is with someone and 2- your feeling of love "seems" to be "dangerous".

After apologizing, I would just avoid the person, distract myself from thoughts of the person and remind myself why love for this person can be "dangerous".

I don't know the details so, I can only say this.
Take care,
HUGS

Thanks for the reply, I really needed it. I will try to apologize again. And I mean that is dangerous because we have not talked about 3 years ago so I don't know how she will react. According to what some people have told me, she is traumatized by what happened. So I do not want to remind her trauma and that stuff.

This is really confusing man, I would prefer that she tell me that she does not accept my apology and that she hates me so my death can "fix" something.

 

[Moose.000]

I'm not exactly sure what's happening here but whoever this girl is that you traumatized seems to be moving forward, already in a new relationship like you said. You can keep apologizing and she may truly forgive you, or she may not and just say she does so you stop apologizing. It seems like you need to accept your own apology now.

When I was 19 I cared and thought alot about the shit I did and mistakes I made as a teenager. As I aged it all faded and so did my feelings for people or how they felt about me. You're beating the shit out of yourself. You may not even care about this whole situation 5 years from now, as an adult, living life, meeting new people, experiencing new things. I'm sure it will still exist in your head but somewhere on a back burner. Right now it's boiling in the front. You've already tried to make peace with the girl, you did the right thing and you wholeheartedly meant it. Make peace with yourself now. Do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know it must be hard, but I think that forgiveness comes from within ourselves, its the only way we can move on. Maybe trying to talk to her could be an option as keeping things inside is bound to make us feel worse. From my perspective I believe nothing happens after death, and death makes everything we do in life meaningless. I think when we die, all we have done no matter how bad is erased.

 

[PlushieLover]

I'm not exactly sure what's happening here but whoever this girl is that you traumatized seems to be moving forward, already in a new relationship like you said. You can keep apologizing and she may truly forgive you, or she may not and just say she does so you stop apologizing. It seems like you need to accept your own apology now.

When I was 19 I cared and thought alot about the shit I did and mistakes I made as a teenager. As I aged it all faded and so did my feelings for people or how they felt about me. You're beating the shit out of yourself. You may not even care about this whole situation 5 years from now, as an adult, living life, meeting new people, experiencing new things. I'm sure it will still exist in your head but somewhere on a back burner. Right now it's boiling in the front. You've already tried to make peace with the girl, you did the right thing and you wholeheartedly meant it. Make peace with yourself now. Do it.

Forgiving myself doesn't seem like an option, I don't think I can ever forgive myself. Maybe I'm being a drama queen but I've tried to get over it but it doesn't seem possible. Sometimes I just forget but the guilt always comes back.

I know it must be hard, but I think that forgiveness comes from within ourselves, its the only way we can move on. Maybe trying to talk to her could be an option as keeping things inside is bound to make us feel worse. From my perspective I believe nothing happens after death, and death makes everything we do in life meaningless. I think when we die, all we have done no matter how bad is erased.

I hope my death erases the guilt.

 

[Moose.000]

Don't hurt yourself physically over this @PlushieLover. Give yourself time to realize how minimal this will play a role in your life years from now. I can see you're hurting. Suffer it out. Make peace with yourself now. You obviously have a good heart, you're aware of mistakes you make and your apologies are genuine. Apply that same heart to thoughts of yourself. Treat yourself the same way you would intend on treating this girl if given another opportunity.

 

[PlushieLover]

Don't hurt yourself physically over this @PlushieLover. Give yourself time to realize how minimal this will play a role in your life years from now. I can see you're hurting. Suffer it out. Make peace with yourself now. You obviously have a good heart, you're aware of mistakes you make and your apologies are genuine. Apply that same heart to thoughts of yourself. Treat yourself the same way you would intend on treating this girl if given another opportunity.

I'll try, thanks for your words <3

 

[WornOutLife]

I can only tell you that regrets have taught me how to make any hard decisions!
It really sucks now but the future is unpredictable. It ain't really over.
There might be new and good opportunities and people around your life and this you're feeling now won't hurt so much in the future.

I even wanted to ctb because of a girl some years ago lol. I was just a silly broken-hearted guy.

Hope you can feel better soon!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[PlushieLover]

I can only tell you that regrets have taught me how to make any hard decisions!
It really sucks now but the future is unpredictable. It ain't really over.
There might be new and good opportunities and people around your life and this you're feeling now won't hurt so much in the future.

I even wanted to ctb because of a girl some years ago lol. I was just a silly broken-hearted guy.

Hope you can feel better soon!

Hugs and love,

Matt

Thank you, hugs and love to you too. I think that you always comment on my posts. Thanks you are pretty nice <3

 

[The Mute Viking]

I think the best you can do is try to forgive yourself, as hard as that will be to do.
It's either overcome this guilt and heal or to let it eat you up until theres nothing left of you but a husk.

I hope that whatever it is; you can overcome and make a life worth living for yourself if that is possible.

Best wishes, love.

I'm rooting for you in whatever you choose.

 

[PlushieLover]

It's either overcome this guilt and heal or to let it eat you up and until theres nothing left of you but a husk.

Beautiful choice of words, thank you