I cannot stomach reading too many goodbye threads

[noname223]

I just read another goodbye thread and it had not a good impact on my soul and mind. Still I think it is good to remind oneself that suicide is part of this forum.
Goodbye threads are in general too heartbreaking for me. Sometimes they invoke a mix of emotions. Sadness, anger, emptiness, regrets, hope for a better life after death. The notion the person is gone forever with no back is hard to stomach. I noticed I prefer uncertainty about a fate over certainty. I feel a little bit sick.

In the end though I can relate. No matter which circumstances led someone to do it. There you are still in this room, alone, in front of you your method (I will choose SN and the people in this forum I was closest to all used SN.), Often anxiety, sadness, grief, regrets etc on your mind in an overwhelming magnitude.

Currently I run away from my problems in real life. There are problems though which are barely solvable for me. There are barely realistic scenarios which do not end with my suicide. The health of my mom is fragile in case she died I would ctb immediately. The sword of damocles is swinging over my head.

I try to make the best out of the situation as long as I can. But I also see me there in that room. Painful and tormentig thoughts racing through my brain asking myself why exactly this all happened to me.

I try to cling to the remaining hope currently. Realistically though the worst is yet to come and this makes me pretty anxious. But I am anxious as fuck anyway. Reading this goodbye thread rather reminded how bad my chance of living a good life really is. I should not fade that out completely but I should also not let my desperation paralyze me.

Reading goodbye threads live are even more hard for me to read. I never do that.
I think I will never write one when I kill myself. I think no matter what I wrote there are no words which describe the injustice that many of us have to face. But there are also other reasons why I won't write one.

 

[cherrypiegonnadie]

I understand the deep sadness these threads evoke honestly. Truly, i feel their sorrow through the screen,
but i don't know, for me personally, it somewhat comforts me to read them?? It's weird but for me it's so bitter but yet so sweet to see someone succeed after all the suffering they've been through. It feels to me like an honor to be able to witness them in their final act, knowing they do not need to be alone, especially when they share their thoughts and emotions throughout their process and seeing people being there for them. It's such a raw experience every time, it breaks my heart yet i admire their determination to go through with it. It makes me feel like i someday will too. I almost gravitate towards these threads because it gives me in a way hope in people bc all the commenters are so understanding and validating, which most people u talk about in irl dont at all. Many even say ur dramatic and or undermine ur struggle. Us humans grant a peaceful death for our pets but for some reason the wish to die coming from a human is treated like a crime, and it's being made impossible to go with company. Most people who decide to ctb have to do it all alone. I don't know, it hurts so much to see them go, but i feel the relieve many of them express. I dont skip a single one when i see them, simply because i can't bear to think their words and feelings in their final moments are not being seen. As i said, its really bitter sweet for me

 

[stoiccactus]

Same. I always read the goodbye threads and there have been many that sit with me, months or years later. It may sound odd but I find a lot of solace in them.

 

[tiredone]

In my current state of mind, i find them threads acctually comforting - im not the only one suffering.
They are sad, as every creature deserves good life and should not have to resort to suicide to find peace.
As well, these threads help me calm down my anxiety and panic attacks - i really want to live on for my kids, but i know the time is coming as i do not entertain hope anymore. Just knowing someone else is leaving this shit place is calming.

 

[letsgetittogo]

I don't know how to react either a lot of times :/

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I feel sad when I read them too... if I write one though I hope someone out there will take a few seconds to wish me goodbye

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I understand your feels OP and they're valid. For me I feel goodbye threads are an act of generosity. People share their methods and lines of thought. They expose possible obstacles that we don't consider. They also offer us a space to give back and provide a sense of community and comfort for those that are leaving. I have seen on many goodbye threads how people appreciate that feeling of connection in those last minutes.

 

[ringo99]

I feel sad but I understand the level of pain they must have been suffering so I'm also happy that they were able to find peace. Humans are biologically conditioned to feel sadness on seeing death. It's not unusual for you to feel this way. I will be leaving a goodbye thread when I leave though. I don't plan to write a note to my family. They won't understand anyway. SaSu is the only place where my pain is understood. Also the mods need to be able to delete my account when I'm gone so attention won't be drawn to this site. The support network for depression in my country is pathetic and sites like these with people who understand are important for those who feel like I do.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

I try to read each one that pops up and I try to respond to them too if I can think of something to write.

 

[Meditation guide]

They make me cry, every time. But I die vicariously each time too so that helps me to think maybe I can do it too. Everyone seems so sweet in those goodbye threads and has such a great personality that comes through. And they're so brave, it's just heartbreaking.

 

[the_dude]

It's sad but you also hope the person finds the peace they want. Death is a road we just all take, it is not evil, and to do it on your own terms and to end your suffering is sad and beautiful at the same time. I think about the family members and friends though, a sad reality of suicide is that we are leaving them behind.

 

[LonelyKitten]

They make me cry, every time. But I die vicariously each time too so that helps me to think maybe I can do it too. Everyone seems so sweet in those goodbye threads and has such a great personality that comes through. And they're so brave, it's just heartbreaking.

This. Word for word.

I have long had this fantasy - I wish there was a space for us, the outcast, the hurt.
Some safe sanctuary of some kind, where we could all just hang out.
In real life, that is not possible.

But what I find beautiful about this and so many other niche online spaces in our recent modern times, is that they provide something like that.
No matter where someone is, so long as they can at least access the internet.
It's not a full substitute for a fulfilling space in the real world, we can't really fulfill our social needs in digital form only (see the rise in mental health issues since the digital age), but for some, it is all they have access to.

It does hurt so much to read these threads.
Just as you say, the person's best comes out.
It's heartbreaking. It gives me this impulse, like, you just wanna... hug them.
Have a coffee together, watch a movie together, play a game...

But goodbye threads are also a striking reminder of the fact that this very space provided them the ability to experience compassionate community in their final moments.
Were it not for that, they would have, in many cases, been entirely or mostly alone, maybe (more) scared.
Perhaps leaving the world in a lot more pain, lacking the resources this website provides for a more humane passing.
Goodbye threads would not exist without some combination of these palliative factors having come into play first.

These threads inherently represent the final point in the culmination of a long journey towards an individual's sought after peace or relief, that this platform allows to be completed with respect, with dignity.
And in that, I believe, solace can be taken.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

There you are still in this room, alone, in front of you your method (I will choose SN and the people in this forum I was closest to all used SN.), Often anxiety, sadness, grief, regrets etc on your mind in an overwhelming magnitude.

The recent goings of Stepz, Toofargone6969 and Avaruus have hit home for me even if the gb threads this year arent any less in impact. I helped Stepz through their regimen and cleared up things about when they take benzos, I take no pride in the fact that I helped them but they found oeace however it still doesn't lessen the impact of how much it hurts especially whenever you hear from a brother or a friend of the user who share how painful the loss of a friend is. I sometimes sit there in disbelief that there is a person on the other side of that screen somewhere in the world, waiting to make their exit and leave this world, the same world that caused circumstances to go the way they did for them where they wanted to ctb.

 

[Davey36000]

It's good for those people if they succeed, if that is what they really want and die without regret.

 

[Kore]

They are heartbreaking, for sure - the first one I read was so surreal I felt almost out of body, I began reading it 15 or so minutes after the OP's final comment and didn't even realize until that part. I thought they were still with us, but in all probability they weren't… I felt intense emotions and can't even explain them all.

Like others have wrote, I've seen beauty in them - the community are almost always so loving and supportive, and the OP's almost always show just how much it means to them in those last moments. It's… the saddest and most beautiful thing at the same time.

I've tried to be there for a few, I feel a need (an urge?) to try and hear just a little more from the person before they go. A moment of peace or a lesson learned… I feel like I'd want to be heard just a little when it's my time. You don't have to spend long here to realize that by the time somebody is making a goodbye post, they've made their decision, and all that you can offer them now is a few kind words, maybe a little comfort

This. Word for word.

I have long had this fantasy - I wish there was a space for us, the outcast, the hurt.
Some safe sanctuary of some kind, where we could all just hang out.
In real life, that is not possible.

But what I find beautiful about this and so many other niche online spaces in our recent modern times, is that they provide something like that.
No matter where someone is, so long as they can at least access the internet.
It's not a full substitute for a fulfilling space in the real world, we can't really fulfill our social needs in digital form only (see the rise in mental health issues since the digital age), but for some, it is all they have access to.

It does hurt so much to read these threads.
Just as you say, the person's best comes out.
It's heartbreaking. It gives me this impulse, like, you just wanna... hug them.
Have a coffee together, watch a movie together, play a game...

But goodbye threads are also a striking reminder of the fact that this very space provided them the ability to experience compassionate community in their final moments.
Were it not for that, they would have, in many cases, been entirely or mostly alone, maybe (more) scared.
Perhaps leaving the world in a lot more pain, lacking the resources this website provides for a more humane passing.
Goodbye threads would not exist without some combination of these palliative factors having come into play first.

These threads inherently represent the final point in the culmination of a long journey towards an individual's sought after peace or relief, that this platform allows to be completed with respect, with dignity.
And in that, I believe, solace can be taken.

PS - The way you write
you gained a fan

 

[tiger b]

One hit me particularly hard and I had to seriously think if I was going to read anymore. It pulled me into a dark place for a bit. But actually that was ok. Time to face the suffering.

I think if someone can be given a little sincere crumb of comfort the way they want it - their way - then I think it's the least we can do. I recognise most of the sadness I feel is selfishness, but it's really sad people don't have a straightforward painless option to choose without resorting to cloak and dagger tactics if they so decide to take their own lives, which is their human right.

 

[UKscotty]

I'm the opposite to most the replies here. When I see a good bye thread I feel happy for the person that they made it out and I feel like a coward as I can't do the same.

I claim I have life and existing but I don't have the guts to CTB, so I feel jealous of the goodbye threads, they are not frauds and cowards like me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally very much envy those people as now they are at peace, eternally free from all suffering.

 

[Meditation guide]

This is the only bit of comfort or support these people have at the very end of their lives, and there are those who want to take even this away.

 

[Lys_C15H25N3O_d3]

I just read another goodbye thread and it had not a good impact on my soul and mind. Still I think it is good to remind oneself that suicide is part of this forum. - Indeed! How come we "forget about that sometimes" ???? that's when you're "past distress"


Reading goodbye threads live are even more hard for me to read. I never do that.
I think I will never write one when I kill myself. I think no matter what I wrote there are no words which describe the injustice that many of us have to face. But there are also other reasons why I won't write one. -


Agreed. me neither. It just makes us remember "everything" at once.

 

[Heading to Darkness]

I understand the deep sadness these threads evoke honestly. Truly, i feel their sorrow through the screen,
but i don't know, for me personally, it somewhat comforts me to read them?? It's weird but for me it's so bitter but yet so sweet to see someone succeed after all the suffering they've been through. It feels to me like an honor to be able to witness them in their final act, knowing they do not need to be alone, especially when they share their thoughts and emotions throughout their process and seeing people being there for them. It's such a raw experience every time, it breaks my heart yet i admire their determination to go through with it. It makes me feel like i someday will too. I almost gravitate towards these threads because it gives me in a way hope in people bc all the commenters are so understanding and validating, which most people u talk about in irl dont at all. Many even say ur dramatic and or undermine ur struggle. Us humans grant a peaceful death for our pets but for some reason the wish to die coming from a human is treated like a crime, and it's being made impossible to go with company. Most people who decide to ctb have to do it all alone. I don't know, it hurts so much to see them go, but i feel the relieve many of them express. I dont skip a single one when i see them, simply because i can't bear to think their words and feelings in their final moments are not being seen. As i said, its really bitter sweet for me

i would like one or two people from here to be with me at the end. i have set up a livestream ready to go, this is not in a macarbe way but just to have the company, and leave something for anyone who cares i wasn't alone at the end. if anyone would like details they can pm me