Story "I cannot love you"

[noname223]

I have met this woman in my self-help group and we had a pretty good chemistry and I feel manic since. I sleep very badly.
She seems be to be interested in me and I was so fucking touched. I might have triggered her and ruined everything pretty early. If this is the case this could break me. This could trigger a breakdown. I am unable to handle all this pain anymore.

I have a lot of hope and barely any preparation for a downfall despite the fact a downfall is way more likely than finding true mutual love.

I have met several women in my life. But I never was in a relationship. The woman I was the closest to was a woman at school who was raped by her first boyfriend and sort of traumatized. But she seems to have recovered fully. We texted recently and she sounds very happy with her life.

There were some words that I will never forget my whole fucking life. She told "I cannot love you". I was in manic episode to that time. I talked too much about politics which seems to be pathological, I looked down at unemployed people (because I was raied like that but I have changed, also because ironically I will probably end unemployed and kill myself over it), and I walked too often to her at school to see her and she was annoyed by that.

I am a piece of shit who should kill himself because he is unworthy of true romantic love. These words hurt like hell. So much that I try not to remind myself of it usually. Though due to the fact this traumata might repeat itself soon I have to prepare myself. Honestly if I ruin it with that woman in the self-help group I really don't know how to cope with it. I have never drunken alcohol intentionally in my whole life and I am in my mid-twenties but I noticed the desire to start being an alcoholic to make myself numb to the pain for a short period of time. However this would get a pretty bad mix with my medication. I rather kill myself I think.

Fuck my life.

 

[vak]

These are some harsh words, I'm sorry you had to hear them. Simple "I don't have feelings for you" would probably cause much less damage and it would effectively mean the same without trying to shift the blame to you

 

[noname223]

Tomorrow I gonna meet her again and I am so fucking anxious to fuck it up with her. Last time I did not say properly goodbye because of a misunderstanding I am a little bit clumsy with social interactions I will apologize to her and ask her for her phone number so that such misunderstandings can be prevented in future.

She is probably the most tolerant person on earth and if she rejects me there is almost zero chance anyone will like me. I am especially scared about the you talk too much about politics part because this is so deeply entrenched in my mind that I barely notice it anymore. I might be on the autism spectrum but most of my therapists said my social skills are too good for that. I also have zero problems with opening myself in front of others and I have a very deep connection to my best friends.

The pain will be beyond imagination if I screw it up with her. Honestly I don't know how I could cope with that. I am in so much pain I even considered to become an alcoholic me someone who never drunk alcohol in his whole lifetime. The big pain will be insanely huge. She gives me so great emotions. I have way less suicidal thoughts. However with my mental wreck nervous system and fucked up mental health shit I gonna ruin it. I might consider to kill me afterwards. She gives me so much hope. I always feel joy when I think about her. Before I met or better to say noticed her I was so fucking depressed because I screwed it up with another woman. Now I am far wider with her and the pain gonna be multplied by 100 if I screw it up. Holy shit I don't want to experience that. This gonna be so insane. At least I still have SaSu where my quirks are appreciated.

We have pretty different interests me and that woman. This is why I was not really interested at her I thought we don't match anyway. But she approached me and she was so fucking cute doing that. Now I start to like her. It will be tear me apart. It will fucking tear me apart. I don't know how I shall be able to stomach that. I also don't know why she actually likes me. I am eloquent. Somewhat good loooking and skinny. I am somehwat educated but mostly I am just a shallow fraud. We both have mental health problems and I am deep. We barely know us. And I have the feeling the more she will learn about me the less will she like me. Holy shit this gonna be hell hell on earth.

My friends told me to calm down. I think I certainly should not be transparent about the things I am going through because of her. Certainly not.
I am slightly manic because of her. My charisma is way better manic and I am quite funny when I am manic. However this must not end in a manic episode otherwise I kill myself.

 

[RemainingDubious]

I have met this woman in my self-help group and we had a pretty good chemistry and I feel manic since. I sleep very badly.
She seems be to be interested in me and I was so fucking touched. I might have triggered her and ruined everything pretty early. If this is the case this could break me. This could trigger a breakdown. I am unable to handle all this pain anymore.

I have a lot of hope and barely any preparation for a downfall despite the fact a downfall is way more likely than finding true mutual love.

I have met several women in my life. But I never was in a relationship. The woman I was the closest to was a woman at school who was raped by her first boyfriend and sort of traumatized. But she seems to have recovered fully. We texted recently and she sounds very happy with her life.

There were some words that I will never forget my whole fucking life. She told "I cannot love you". I was in manic episode to that time. I talked too much about politics which seems to be pathological, I looked down at unemployed people (because I was raied like that but I have changed, also because ironically I will probably end unemployed and kill myself over it), and I walked too often to her at school to see her and she was annoyed by that.

I am a piece of shit who should kill himself because he is unworthy of true romantic love. These words hurt like hell. So much that I try not to remind myself of it usually. Though due to the fact this traumata might repeat itself soon I have to prepare myself. Honestly if I ruin it with that woman in the self-help group I really don't know how to cope with it. I have never drunken alcohol intentionally in my whole life and I am in my mid-twenties but I noticed the desire to start being an alcoholic to make myself numb to the pain for a short period of time. However this would get a pretty bad mix with my medication. I rather kill myself I think.

Fuck my life.

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." - Rumi

i've personally found heartbreak has got me to a point i don't have anything but love to give. Love is about what you can give not what you receive. Love is unconditional, it's selfless, it doesn't need to be reciprocated, it doesn't even need to be acknowledged.

fear = false evidence appearing real.

If you truly love someone try to show it in whatever way you can, while you have the opportunity to. If they don't want it that's entirely up to them. At least you'll have tried. Regardless of the outcome or how insignificant it may seem. That positive energy could manifest. Surely it's better than all the negativity bullshit in the world. It could become a positive in either of your lives, if not both.

 

[noname223]

She did not come to the group this time. All the anxiety and sleep medication for nothing. Maybe it is good and gives me break to finish my college paper in the meantime. Maybe it will make the overthinking worse. I don't know.

 

[RemainingDubious]

She did not come to the group this time. All the anxiety and sleep medication for nothing. Maybe it is good and gives me break to finish my college paper in the meantime. Maybe it will make the overthinking worse. I don't know.

Have you considered it could be your expectations that are causing you discomfort? For example you expected them to be at the group today, which was making you anxious, etc.

We have no control over others, they can do what they want, they can think what they want, etc. By expecting others to do what you'd like/expect and/or think in a way you'd like them to, realistically you're only setting yourself up to become disappointed.

Your friend knows you much more than me. It might be worth asking them why they felt it necessary to advise you to "calm down" since they likely felt you mustn't have be calm over the situation. Maybe it would be helpful to try to understand their perspective. Like why did they feel that telling you to "calm down" were the words you needed to hear?

 

[noname223]

Have you considered it could be your expectations that are causing you discomfort? For example you expected them to be at the group today, which was making you anxious, etc.

We have no control over others, they can do what they want, they can think what they want, etc. By expecting others to do what you'd like/expect and/or think in a way you'd like them to, realistically you're only setting yourself up to become disappointed.

Your friend knows you much more than me. It might be worth asking them why they felt it necessary to advise you to "calm down" since they likely felt you mustn't have be calm over the situation. Maybe it would be helpful to try to understand their perspective. Like why did they feel that telling you to "calm down" were the words you needed to hear?

I don't think the expectations are my main issue. It is rather my fucked up nervous system. I don't have problems to understand the perspective of my friends. I am an extremely anxious nervous wreck that tends to overthinking and paranoia. But knowing this won't make the pathologies go away.