Venting I cannot get a single moment of peace

[justwant2sleep]

From the second I open my eyes to the moment I toss and turn in bed at night, I experience those desperate thoughts of wishing I could ctb. I am so terrified that I won't ever be successful with it and this is just the way I'll have to live. Tortured by my own brain every second of everyday. It's been this way for so long now and the hope I once had for a possibly brighter, less painful future is completely gone. Every day is the same as the last and the thoughts about it all never ever stop no matter where I am, who I'm with or what I am doing. I have noticed that even when I get a song stuck in my head from the TV or radio my mind instantly changes the lyrics to match up with my desperate thoughts, if that makes sense. It just happens automatically. My therapist has been trying to encourage me to get all motivated to think about or plan a future that I'd be excited to live but he doesn't seem to understand I wish I was gone yesterday. It sounds like such a twisted thing to say but when I hear that someone has passed away on the news I get so jealous and wish it was me. I'm so so scared that I am too dumb to ever ctb and that I will be forced to live in this hellish misery for months or years to come. I cannot remember the last time I even felt something remotely nice. Joy just does not exist in my life whatsoever. It's dread all day every single day. I can't think of anything I do not dread aside from being asleep. I really cannot go much longer. I'm sorry for the pointless ramble :(

 

[Forever Sleep]

You never need to feel sorry for rambling here. It's a very good place to vent and get out the thoughts you can't express anywhere else.

I'm so sorry for your situation. It's a very difficult life when you've lost all motivation to do anything. I'm not exactly there yet but I'm well on the way. I'm afraid there's not much I can say to comfort you other than you're not alone. Plenty of people here feel the same. Have you told your therapist what extreme apathy you feel towards life? I can understand you not wanting to reveal your ideation but perhaps you do need to tell him your worries that his motivational life plan won't work because you can't bring yourself to feel motivated! I don't really know what he'll suggest next. Possibly medication. (If you're not already on it.) My therapist suggested Fluoexetine (Prozac) when it was obvious how long I'd been unhappy for. I can't say it really did much for me but for some people, I think it works. Maybe he'll have other suggestions too. I don't know. But yeah- it's bound to feel like a vertical climb when there's no hope left. I'm sorry. I hope you can at least find some comfort and company here.

 

[justwant2sleep]

You never need to feel sorry for rambling here. It's a very good place to vent and get out the thoughts you can't express anywhere else.

I'm so sorry for your situation. It's a very difficult life when you've lost all motivation to do anything. I'm not exactly there yet but I'm well on the way. I'm afraid there's not much I can say to comfort you other than you're not alone. Plenty of people here feel the same. Have you told your therapist what extreme apathy you feel towards life? I can understand you not wanting to reveal your ideation but perhaps you do need to tell him your worries that his motivational life plan won't work because you can't bring yourself to feel motivated! I don't really know what he'll suggest next. Possibly medication. (If you're not already on it.) My therapist suggested Fluoexetine (Prozac) when it was obvious how long I'd been unhappy for. I can't say it really did much for me but for some people, I think it works. Maybe he'll have other suggestions too. I don't know. But yeah- it's bound to feel like a vertical climb when there's no hope left. I'm sorry. I hope you can at least find some comfort and company here.

Thank you so much.

It is really difficult, and I am so sorry to hear you're experiencing similar problems :( I am on medication at the moment. I have been on a whole bunch of antidepressants and medications for anxiety over the years yet unfortunately here I am. (That's not to say meds are unhelpful for everyone, I just personally have not had any luck at all with them). And yes, I will definitely need to have that conversation with my therapist. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post btw!

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it really can be so torturous feeling trapped here, I could never see any peace in existing, for me true peace only exists in the state of non-existence which is what I've always wished for, only eternal sleep comforts me.

 

[justwant2sleep]

I certainly understand that it really can be so torturous feeling trapped here, I could never see any peace in existing, for me true peace only exists in the state of non-existence which is what I've always wished for, only eternal sleep comforts me.

I relate so so heavily :/

 

[cscott]

From the second I open my eyes to the moment I toss and turn in bed at night, I experience those desperate thoughts of wishing I could ctb. I am so terrified that I won't ever be successful with it and this is just the way I'll have to live. Tortured by my own brain every second of everyday. It's been this way for so long now and the hope I once had for a possibly brighter, less painful future is completely gone. Every day is the same as the last and the thoughts about it all never ever stop no matter where I am, who I'm with or what I am doing. I have noticed that even when I get a song stuck in my head from the TV or radio my mind instantly changes the lyrics to match up with my desperate thoughts, if that makes sense. It just happens automatically. My therapist has been trying to encourage me to get all motivated to think about or plan a future that I'd be excited to live but he doesn't seem to understand I wish I was gone yesterday. It sounds like such a twisted thing to say but when I hear that someone has passed away on the news I get so jealous and wish it was me. I'm so so scared that I am too dumb to ever ctb and that I will be forced to live in this hellish misery for months or years to come. I cannot remember the last time I even felt something remotely nice. Joy just does not exist in my life whatsoever. It's dread all day every single day. I can't think of anything I do not dread aside from being asleep. I really cannot go much longer. I'm sorry for the pointless ramble :(

I feel you on everything. It's like living in hell literally

 

[justwant2sleep]

I feel you on everything. It's like living in hell literally

I'm so sorry that you're going through the same thing, it's really awful :(

 

[_Alfarooq_]

From the second I open my eyes to the moment I toss and turn in bed at night, I experience those desperate thoughts of wishing I could ctb. I am so terrified that I won't ever be successful with it and this is just the way I'll have to live. Tortured by my own brain every second of everyday. It's been this way for so long now and the hope I once had for a possibly brighter, less painful future is completely gone. Every day is the same as the last and the thoughts about it all never ever stop no matter where I am, who I'm with or what I am doing. I have noticed that even when I get a song stuck in my head from the TV or radio my mind instantly changes the lyrics to match up with my desperate thoughts, if that makes sense. It just happens automatically. My therapist has been trying to encourage me to get all motivated to think about or plan a future that I'd be excited to live but he doesn't seem to understand I wish I was gone yesterday. It sounds like such a twisted thing to say but when I hear that someone has passed away on the news I get so jealous and wish it was me. I'm so so scared that I am too dumb to ever ctb and that I will be forced to live in this hellish misery for months or years to come. I cannot remember the last time I even felt something remotely nice. Joy just does not exist in my life whatsoever. It's dread all day every single day. I can't think of anything I do not dread aside from being asleep. I really cannot go much longer. I'm sorry for the pointless ramble :(

I feel you. Neither can I feel safe anywhere, there is no escape from people who insult me and hurt my feelings, even here on sanctioned suicide someone called me a retard

 

[justwant2sleep]

I feel you. Neither can I feel safe anywhere, there is no escape from people who insult me and hurt my feelings, even here on sanctioned suicide someone called me a retard

That's terrible, I'm so sorry :(

 

[_Alfarooq_]

That's terrible, I'm so sorry :(

Thanks a lot, I needed someone nice today. People like you make me happy and have hope in this life.

 

[painful existence]

I feel the same way.I often watch videos of terminally ill people on YouTube and wish it was me .

 

[Unattainable666]

From the second I open my eyes to the moment I toss and turn in bed at night, I experience those desperate thoughts of wishing I could ctb. I am so terrified that I won't ever be successful with it and this is just the way I'll have to live. Tortured by my own brain every second of everyday. It's been this way for so long now and the hope I once had for a possibly brighter, less painful future is completely gone. Every day is the same as the last and the thoughts about it all never ever stop no matter where I am, who I'm with or what I am doing. I have noticed that even when I get a song stuck in my head from the TV or radio my mind instantly changes the lyrics to match up with my desperate thoughts, if that makes sense. It just happens automatically. My therapist has been trying to encourage me to get all motivated to think about or plan a future that I'd be excited to live but he doesn't seem to understand I wish I was gone yesterday. It sounds like such a twisted thing to say but when I hear that someone has passed away on the news I get so jealous and wish it was me. I'm so so scared that I am too dumb to ever ctb and that I will be forced to live in this hellish misery for months or years to come. I cannot remember the last time I even felt something remotely nice. Joy just does not exist in my life whatsoever. It's dread all day every single day. I can't think of anything I do not dread aside from being asleep. I really cannot go much longer. I'm sorry for the pointless ramble :(

Trust me my friend, it is NOT a pointless ramble. I feel the same way. I call it Ground Hogs Day. The same thoughts every day morning, noon and night. No peace, no rest, it invates your sleep. I get ya. I'm sorry you are feeling this way it's a horrible feeling. Sleep is the only reprieve unless those damn thoughts creep into your dreams.

 

[FindingHome]

I haven't felt peace in a long time. Hopefully soon when I CTB I will find eternal peace. I feel torment and torture 24/7. I wish I had a gun and could pull the trigger on my brain.