It gets harder and harder every single day. I'm getting into random car accidents because I can't focus, I may have to stop driving soon. I'm less and less able to tolerate minor annoyances like my cat meowing. It bothers me more and more every day and I know I'd never hurt her but it doesn't stop the fucking rage I feel at this point. I'm considering giving her up even though she's the only real bright spot in my life. I'm already neglecting her and she would probably be better off with someone else anyway.
Sleep has been my favorite activity and the one I would rather do than any other for a long time. It's like my whole nervous system agrees, I'm able to sleep for 12+ hours on a regular basis without being sleep deprived. It really sucks I'm too scared to actually end my life because I'm really just subjecting myself to further suffering every single day.
I want to hold on for my mom, she's going through a lot right now, but I also can't find a job and she's been having to support me. It's not hard to feel like she'd be better off, too.
I could sit here and list all the shit wrong with me that may be contributing, adhd, ptsd, anxiety, whatever. That feels like a largely intellectual exercise that does precisely nothing to make me feel any better about my day to day. I've done a decade of therapy, I've been on a dozen medications, most of them at one time, I got a psychology degree myself to try and figure out what the fuck is up with me. I really wish I had the courage to do something about it rather than sit here and feel bad for myself every day. Maybe, hopefully that's what this breakdown is building to.
Sleep has been my favorite activity and the one I would rather do than any other for a long time. It's like my whole nervous system agrees, I'm able to sleep for 12+ hours on a regular basis without being sleep deprived. It really sucks I'm too scared to actually end my life because I'm really just subjecting myself to further suffering every single day.
I want to hold on for my mom, she's going through a lot right now, but I also can't find a job and she's been having to support me. It's not hard to feel like she'd be better off, too.
I could sit here and list all the shit wrong with me that may be contributing, adhd, ptsd, anxiety, whatever. That feels like a largely intellectual exercise that does precisely nothing to make me feel any better about my day to day. I've done a decade of therapy, I've been on a dozen medications, most of them at one time, I got a psychology degree myself to try and figure out what the fuck is up with me. I really wish I had the courage to do something about it rather than sit here and feel bad for myself every day. Maybe, hopefully that's what this breakdown is building to.
