Venting I brought this upon myself...

[ma0]

Every single one of my problems is my fault entirely, one way or another. I willingly chose to jump down into the whirlpool with the big ass sign out front that says "Jumping into this whirlpool will ruin your life." I didn't listen, and now here I am.

And then I have the audacity to say I'm "Tumbling down a downward spiral" when I literally chose to feel this way.

It was ME who said that I "didn't care about relationships" and look where that got me. Surprise, surprise, when you tell people you don't care, they assume you don't care. Then and ONLY THEN did I change my mind, and decide I didn't want to be a lonely piece of shit my whole life, after I told people I wanted to be a lonely piece of shit my whole life. Why am I the one complaining about feeling alone? This is my doing. I can't go back and change it now, being the unfunny loner is kind of what my friends know me for.

Speaking of my friends, a few of them have said to me that I can tell them if anything's wrong. It's not that I don't trust them, I'm sure that they'd be understanding and reasonable. It's just that I chose not to, for whatever reason. I actively made the choice to bottle everything up, even when I knew I could get help. Now they don't even ask if I'm alright anymore, because I've said yes so many times they assume it's the case, and it's a fair assumption to make, I don't blame them. I had plenty of chances, and I walked right past all of them. I'm the one at fault here.

I have no right to complain about anything, I was the one who pushed everything away. Things could be so different right now, but I made the active effort to disregard every invitation to that better life. At this point, I don't even think it's worth the effort to try and get better. There are no last chances, or making things right, I could've done that ages ago, but I didn't. I don't deserve another chance. I'll probably just rot in bed until I'm disconnected from reality enough to not be afraid of CTB anymore.




Thanks for being the one place I can write down my melodramatic psychobabble, SS forum.

 

[i love yoshi ^-^]

Every single one of my problems is my fault entirely, one way or another. I willingly chose to jump down into the whirlpool with the big ass sign out front that says "Jumping into this whirlpool will ruin your life." I didn't listen, and now here I am.

And then I have the audacity to say I'm "Tumbling down a downward spiral" when I literally chose to feel this way.

It was ME who said that I "didn't care about relationships" and look where that got me. Surprise, surprise, when you tell people you don't care, they assume you don't care. Then and ONLY THEN did I change my mind, and decide I didn't want to be a lonely piece of shit my whole life, after I told people I wanted to be a lonely piece of shit my whole life. Why am I the one complaining about feeling alone? This is my doing. I can't go back and change it now, being the unfunny loner is kind of what my friends know me for.

Speaking of my friends, a few of them have said to me that I can tell them if anything's wrong. It's not that I don't trust them, I'm sure that they'd be understanding and reasonable. It's just that I chose not to, for whatever reason. I actively made the choice to bottle everything up, even when I knew I could get help. Now they don't even ask if I'm alright anymore, because I've said yes so many times they assume it's the case, and it's a fair assumption to make, I don't blame them. I had plenty of chances, and I walked right past all of them. I'm the one at fault here.

I have no right to complain about anything, I was the one who pushed everything away. Things could be so different right now, but I made the active effort to disregard every invitation to that better life. At this point, I don't even think it's worth the effort to try and get better. There are no last chances, or making things right, I could've done that ages ago, but I didn't. I don't deserve another chance. I'll probably just rot in bed until I'm disconnected from reality enough to not be afraid of CTB anymore.




Thanks for being the one place I can write down my melodramatic psychobabble, SS forum.

-- it's easy to blame yourself for past decisions and mistakes when not considering that in that emotional headspace it was a reasonable thing to do. you don't deserve to be blamed for using forced loneliness as a coping mechanism.

-- i don't know a lot about your friends - but it may be helpful to pick your most trusted friend and tell them what's really been bottling up. if they're a compassionate person, they'll understand.

-- there's one thing i really hate to hear and that is "you can't go back and fix your past mistakes, so focus on the present". a true statement on it's own, but it disregards that you might not have the capacity to take the steps, and it makes it seem like back then you could make a choice, completely disregarding of how you felt. so i'd say, be careful with the motivational statements, they can be harmful too.

-- we're all flawed in some way. to a degree i still can't accept it. but accepting it allows you to go easier on yourself, and it's the first step for improvement. what do you think?

 

[ma0]

-- it's easy to blame yourself for past decisions and mistakes when not considering that in that emotional headspace it was a reasonable thing to do. you don't deserve to be blamed for using forced loneliness as a coping mechanism.

-- i don't know a lot about your friends - but it may be helpful to pick your most trusted friend and tell them what's really been bottling up. if they're a compassionate person, they'll understand.

-- there's one thing i really hate to hear and that is "you can't go back and fix your past mistakes, so focus on the present". a true statement on it's own, but it disregards that you might not have the capacity to take the steps, and it makes it seem like back then you could make a choice, completely disregarding of how you felt. so i'd say, be careful with the motivational statements, they can be harmful too.

-- we're all flawed in some way. to a degree i still can't accept it. but accepting it allows you to go easier on yourself, and it's the first step for improvement. what do you think?

What do I think? No goddamn clue. I suppose I'll take your word for it though, and maybe I'll think it over. Maybe.

Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it. (Even if it involves talking to people.)

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I feel similar, although at the same time I've rarely been invited to much of anything. So I've kind of pushed people away but most of them were never nearby in the first place.

 

[pointblank]

The same decisive power that you took in pushing them away is the same power you can choose in pulling them back in. It's never too late. The power is in your hands.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure really. I think, like other members have said- we make decisions according to the best information we have available at the time. Including our emotional state- which isn't always terribly rational!

So, I'd put it to you that, you didn't (likely) think: It would definitely help me to share my problems with my trusted friends but, I'm not going to. I'm going to shut them out to deliberately make myself feel isolated and miserable.

I expect instead, you thought things like: I don't want to burden them with this. I don't want to lower the mood. I'm afraid if I do tell them, it will be too much for them and, they may abandon me. So- I think as a defense mechanism, we can sometimes actually tell ourselves and others: 'I don't need anyone anyway.'

I don't think what you did is all that uncommon actually. Especially with people suffering with things so severe that they're contemplating suicide. I think many of us realise that that isn't a thing to let slip to all our friends.

Plus, I somewhat hate the whole: 'You brought this on yourself. You made the choice so- don't complain.' This bit is a self indulgent rant so, feel free to ignore...

I tend to get that with the 'choice' of my (freelance creative) career. I moan a lot about that and I'm constantly reminded that it was my (privelaged) choice to do it. (Especially from parents.) One day, I'm going to snap and say it isn't my choice to be alive. (It's an obligation I feeI have to maintain for you.) It isn't my choice to work. (It's an obligation I feel I have, to not become a financial burden on you.) I chose a career in art because it was more tolerable. Were I doing a different job (which, is also highly again at some point,) I'd be complaining even more! So- basically- don't get annoyed at me that I don't like the situation you landed me in because you wanted children and didn't consider what might happen if you had a child with predominantly creative genes! Anyhow, sorry- that's my own 'beef' with the whole: 'You brought all this on yourself.'

Anyhow though, I agree with others that- if it truly was your actions that drove everyone away, it's your actions now that could either ask for their forgiveness and friendship back or, find new friendships. Now that you know what not to do!

No one's perfect anyway. We all make screw ups in life, friendships, relationships. In part, it's how we get to know the boundaries and strengths of individual relationships. Some people will put up with a lot of not so good behaviour because they value your friendship enough. Others might be fair weather friends or, may be dealing with their own shit so, don't want to experience certain things.

I've got more used to being picked up and dropped. I'm trying super hard to value people in the moment without expecting that to continue. What I'm reluctant to get drawn into again is the intensity of valuing someone, believing you do mean a lot to someone and, they'll be reliably there and then, they just vanish. I think I have abandonment issues that prickle at that. Others will be better with it though. Probably depends how stable and adaptable they are themselves.

 

[chocosyrup]

Every single one of my problems is my fault entirely, one way or another. I willingly chose to jump down into the whirlpool with the big ass sign out front that says "Jumping into this whirlpool will ruin your life." I didn't listen, and now here I am.

And then I have the audacity to say I'm "Tumbling down a downward spiral" when I literally chose to feel this way.

It was ME who said that I "didn't care about relationships" and look where that got me. Surprise, surprise, when you tell people you don't care, they assume you don't care. Then and ONLY THEN did I change my mind, and decide I didn't want to be a lonely piece of shit my whole life, after I told people I wanted to be a lonely piece of shit my whole life. Why am I the one complaining about feeling alone? This is my doing. I can't go back and change it now, being the unfunny loner is kind of what my friends know me for.

Speaking of my friends, a few of them have said to me that I can tell them if anything's wrong. It's not that I don't trust them, I'm sure that they'd be understanding and reasonable. It's just that I chose not to, for whatever reason. I actively made the choice to bottle everything up, even when I knew I could get help. Now they don't even ask if I'm alright anymore, because I've said yes so many times they assume it's the case, and it's a fair assumption to make, I don't blame them. I had plenty of chances, and I walked right past all of them. I'm the one at fault here.

I have no right to complain about anything, I was the one who pushed everything away. Things could be so different right now, but I made the active effort to disregard every invitation to that better life. At this point, I don't even think it's worth the effort to try and get better. There are no last chances, or making things right, I could've done that ages ago, but I didn't. I don't deserve another chance. I'll probably just rot in bed until I'm disconnected from reality enough to not be afraid of CTB anymore.




Thanks for being the one place I can write down my melodramatic psychobabble, SS forum.

its okay to feel like youve made mistakes and took a wrong turn. it doesn't mean you're beyond help or dont deserve another chance and i don't think it's a reflection on your worth.

remember you're human, and humans make mistakes that we regret every day.
it's not something you need to figure out all in one go, it will take time and there are many people who can help you along the way here.
i sympathize with alot of what you said and want you to be okay, even if it takes a bit of time <3

 

[ma0]

I'm not sure really. I think, like other members have said- we make decisions according to the best information we have available at the time. Including our emotional state- which isn't always terribly rational!

So, I'd put it to you that, you didn't (likely) think: It would definitely help me to share my problems with my trusted friends but, I'm not going to. I'm going to shut them out to deliberately make myself feel isolated and miserable.

I expect instead, you thought things like: I don't want to burden them with this. I don't want to lower the mood. I'm afraid if I do tell them, it will be too much for them and, they may abandon me. So- I think as a defense mechanism, we can sometimes actually tell ourselves and others: 'I don't need anyone anyway.'

I don't think what you did is all that uncommon actually. Especially with people suffering with things so severe that they're contemplating suicide. I think many of us realise that that isn't a thing to let slip to all our friends.

Plus, I somewhat hate the whole: 'You brought this on yourself. You made the choice so- don't complain.' This bit is a self indulgent rant so, feel free to ignore...

I tend to get that with the 'choice' of my (freelance creative) career. I moan a lot about that and I'm constantly reminded that it was my (privelaged) choice to do it. (Especially from parents.) One day, I'm going to snap and say it isn't my choice to be alive. (It's an obligation I feeI have to maintain for you.) It isn't my choice to work. (It's an obligation I feel I have, to not become a financial burden on you.) I chose a career in art because it was more tolerable. Were I doing a different job (which, is also highly again at some point,) I'd be complaining even more! So- basically- don't get annoyed at me that I don't like the situation you landed me in because you wanted children and didn't consider what might happen if you had a child with predominantly creative genes! Anyhow, sorry- that's my own 'beef' with the whole: 'You brought all this on yourself.'

Anyhow though, I agree with others that- if it truly was your actions that drove everyone away, it's your actions now that could either ask for their forgiveness and friendship back or, find new friendships. Now that you know what not to do!

No one's perfect anyway. We all make screw ups in life, friendships, relationships. In part, it's how we get to know the boundaries and strengths of individual relationships. Some people will put up with a lot of not so good behaviour because they value your friendship enough. Others might be fair weather friends or, may be dealing with their own shit so, don't want to experience certain things.

I've got more used to being picked up and dropped. I'm trying super hard to value people in the moment without expecting that to continue. What I'm reluctant to get drawn into again is the intensity of valuing someone, believing you do mean a lot to someone and, they'll be reliably there and then, they just vanish. I think I have abandonment issues that prickle at that. Others will be better with it though. Probably depends how stable and adaptable they are themselves.

That is probably what I was thinking at the time, to be fair. If it's common then that doesn't surprise me.

I probably could open up to people a bit more, but I'll have to give myself a bit more time for that. In the meantime I think I'll just use this website.

Thanks for giving a shit.