I brought a life into this world

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

I feel so guilty on one hand, because I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. On the other hand, I think he will be much better off because he has a normal father with a normal family. If I can CTB early enough, I feel like the damage would be minimal, less damage than if he were to grow up with a depressed, weak mother. He's three years old. I feel like I should have done this much sooner, before he could develop memories of me.

Am I just being selfish in thinking that? Everyone says he needs me, but I know I won't ever be good enough for him. I'm terrified of ruining him like my mother and father ruined me...

 

[Lostnotfound]

No one can answer this. The obvious answer is that you shouldn't CTB as you should be there for your child but then that means that you have to resist CTB forever. Your child will never get over the fact that you CTB whether he is a child or an adult, and thats just a fact of life. However, as you say at 3 years old he wont understand as much as he will as he grows older. Its a hard hard fact of life that no matter how much your child 'needs' you, if you are not there they will cope without you. Its horrendous and it haunts me that my children (although now adults) will continue in their daily life without me but that is life. When our parents die, we mourn and carry on the day to day life. We have no choice and neither will your son, but of course his grief will be less as he doesn't have the capacity to understand at his age. He will forget you, he will have no memories of you. How does that make you feel? Better or worse? Only you can make the choice here. I feel like a hypocrite as I fully intend to CTB and I have children but my case is that they have cut me out of their lives already. I am sure it will affect them but they made their choices and I am making mine. He is 3 and cannot make choices. Have you exhausted all other avenues? My best advice is stop and think, and whatever decision you make this forum will support you.

 

[noaccount]

While I think his other parent and extended family could be 'enough' in terms of being loving people raising him, there's also nothing about having a depressed parent that has to be 'damaging' to a kid - I think it's a lot more about parents showing their kids respect, listening to their ideas, respecting the kid's differences from the parent, not making the kid's life all about the parents' feelings... And it sounds like you're really conscious and caring in all those ways already, you're not doing anything bad to your son by being depressed...

But you also deserve things that bring you relief and fulfillment for yourself, not just that make you a good parent. Women get guilted way too much into making their whole lives about parenthood, you deserve more than that

 

[AcornUnderground]

I completely understand. I have a very painful, progressive chronic incurable illness that has rendered me jobless and almost bedridden at 41. I have two young children. I've been accepted at Pegasos and also have N. It's the worst corner to be backed into, unable to live with little ones here counting on you. I wish I knew the answer. For me, considering how young I am and the pain I'm already in and not being able to afford to live/medications/provide for kids...I believe that I will be gone.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I know this must be so hard for you but, I think he would rather have a weak, depressed mother than no mother. You could always explain to him that you have a mental illness, and that's why you act the way you do. Then you could reassure him that your mental illness does nothing to diminish the love you have for him.

 

[MoreThanAFeeling]

I know I won't ever be good enough for him. I'm terrified of ruining him like my mother and father ruined me...

Prove yourself wrong about your self-imposed limitations.
Your child is a happy 3 year old thanks to your care and love.

Good luck to you.

 

[Final Escape]

I feel so guilty on one hand, because I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. On the other hand, I think he will be much better off because he has a normal father with a normal family. If I can CTB early enough, I feel like the damage would be minimal, less damage than if he were to grow up with a depressed, weak mother. He's three years old. I feel like I should have done this much sooner, before he could develop memories of me.

Am I just being selfish in thinking that? Everyone says he needs me, but I know I won't ever be good enough for him. I'm terrified of ruining him like my mother and father ruined me...

Why not change your perspective and decide to be the best possible mom u can be? If u are terrified it means u probably won't repeat much of the abuse. I mean only like 30% of people with abusive parents will go on to be abusers as well. It tends to be that most people are less abusive and don't tend to repeat the abuse more often than not. I wish I knew this, I was afraid I would be like my mom and I aborted my kids. I'm sure I would not have been great but not as bad as my mother was bc I'm not a malignant narcissist. I think it would be a terrible situation if u suicide and left him, he wouldn't forget just because he's young. It would haunt him. You might need some help to manage the depression somehow and the suicidal thoughts but it's a noble pursuit to be the best mom u can be. I mean if u look at it like u are enduring the pain of life so that you get to see your child thrive and grow up. I know it's not easy to see it like this when u are so depressed and suffering. One thing that sucks for me is I never had kids and this makes me have to find other ways to try to have meaning or to do something that's a worthy enough cause to offset the tragedy of life. Life absolutely does seem meaningless if u don't do something that offsets or justifies the monotony and shitshow that is much of most of our lives.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

No one can answer this. The obvious answer is that you shouldn't CTB as you should be there for your child but then that means that you have to resist CTB forever. Your child will never get over the fact that you CTB whether he is a child or an adult, and thats just a fact of life. However, as you say at 3 years old he wont understand as much as he will as he grows older. Its a hard hard fact of life that no matter how much your child 'needs' you, if you are not there they will cope without you. Its horrendous and it haunts me that my children (although now adults) will continue in their daily life without me but that is life. When our parents die, we mourn and carry on the day to day life. We have no choice and neither will your son, but of course his grief will be less as he doesn't have the capacity to understand at his age. He will forget you, he will have no memories of you. How does that make you feel? Better or worse? Only you can make the choice here. I feel like a hypocrite as I fully intend to CTB and I have children but my case is that they have cut me out of their lives already. I am sure it will affect them but they made their choices and I am making mine. He is 3 and cannot make choices. Have you exhausted all other avenues? My best advice is stop and think, and whatever decision you make this forum will support you.

Excellent answer.

It's totally unpredictable. It could have very good consequences if you ctb and equally it could have very bad consequences. It's really impossible to predict.

I'm sorry you and your child are in this situation. Also props to you for admitting it was a mistake, I can very much respect that in a parent. I wish my father had admitted that to me but he didn't.

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

Thank you for all the answers and thoughts. At this point I'm still fighting, still struggling. I am being treated like a monster, because I admitted that I had a mental illness to his grandparents. Yesterday they accused me of having a mental breakdown, all because I was crying over being accused of not doing my part because it's hard for me to work with my physical and mental disabilities. They think his father does everything and don't see my effort and work, and all the things I do to try to help and not be a burden. They think I'm using my illness as an excused to not do anything, and it made me just want to give up. No matter how hard I try, even taking medication and seeing therapists, I just can't seem to get myself together.

It's so hard to be hopeful when it seems like a viscous cycle. I just turned 28. I have nothing to show for it. No career, homeless, no education. No matter how much I try to change these things, I always end up losing everything.

I don't know how much longer I can take. I feel like I could be a better parent, that I'm not doing enough. And sometimes that even makes me believe everyone's words, that I'm lazy and not trying hard enough. But that doesn't make it any easier to motivate myself.

 

[Lostnotfound]

Thank you for all the answers and thoughts. At this point I'm still fighting, still struggling. I am being treated like a monster, because I admitted that I had a mental illness to his grandparents. Yesterday they accused me of having a mental breakdown, all because I was crying over being accused of not doing my part because it's hard for me to work with my physical and mental disabilities. They think his father does everything and don't see my effort and work, and all the things I do to try to help and not be a burden. They think I'm using my illness as an excused to not do anything, and it made me just want to give up. No matter how hard I try, even taking medication and seeing therapists, I just can't seem to get myself together.

It's so hard to be hopeful when it seems like a viscous cycle. I just turned 28. I have nothing to show for it. No career, homeless, no education. No matter how much I try to change these things, I always end up losing everything.

I don't know how much longer I can take. I feel like I could be a better parent, that I'm not doing enough. And sometimes that even makes me believe everyone's words, that I'm lazy and not trying hard enough. But that doesn't make it any easier to motivate myself.

Anyone who puts you down for mental illness is not a good influence and you should stay away. Is there any local services or groups that could support you with your son? Don't worry about other people but look after you and your child first, and you may need to call on outside help for a while to give you a boost. Good on you for keeping trying. This forum will always be here whatever your life choices

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

Anyone who puts you down for mental illness is not a good influence and you should stay away. Is there any local services or groups that could support you with your son? Don't worry about other people but look after you and your child first, and you may need to call on outside help for a while to give you a boost. Good on you for keeping trying. This forum will always be here whatever your life choices

There isn't many options, I live in a rural county in Florida and the best they can do is temporary shelters. They treat my son well but I'm just an outsider that they don't know well, so I'm just dealing with it for the time being while I try to find a job. It was either this or the street.

 

[Lostnotfound]

There isn't many options, I live in a rural county in Florida and the best they can do is temporary shelters. They treat my son well but I'm just an outsider that they don't know well, so I'm just dealing with it for the time being while I try to find a job. It was either this or the street.

Dont beat yourself up over it - you're doing the best you can. Is there any chance you can move into a more populated area where job prospects are better?

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

Dont beat yourself up over it - you're doing the best you can. Is there any chance you can move into a more populated area where job prospects are better?

I am actually trying to find a better job in Orlando, hopefully I get something soon. It's about an hour away and the closest city to me.

 

[Lostnotfound]

I am actually trying to find a better job in Orlando, hopefully I get something soon. It's about an hour away and the closest city to me.

good for you ... don't let people put you down. You're trying

 

[TAW122]

This is a hard situation and while I do believe that if someone brings another sentient being to this world, the answer would be yes, you are responsible for him as a parent, but on the other hand, if you pain is really unbearable, then you should be able to decide whether to exit or not. Of course, the best decision would be to weigh all your options and choose the path of least resistance and least damage/harm. I think for anyone, losing someone will cause grief and dependent on the person's personality, temperament, and perspective on life, they may/not be able to cope, but ultimately, I would say to have your interests first but don't forget about your child's interests as well, even if it is secondary. I'm sorry I couldn't give a more direct answer as this is a grey area and a difficult situation to have any straightforward answer.

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

This is a hard situation and while I do believe that if someone brings another sentient being to this world, the answer would be yes, you are responsible for him as a parent, but on the other hand, if you pain is really unbearable, then you should be able to decide whether to exit or not. Of course, the best decision would be to weigh all your options and choose the path of least resistance and least damage/harm. I think for anyone, losing someone will cause grief and dependent on the person's personality, temperament, and perspective on life, they may/not be able to cope, but ultimately, I would say to have your interests first but don't forget about your child's interests as well, even if it is secondary. I'm sorry I couldn't give a more direct answer as this is a grey area and a difficult situation to have any straightforward answer.

That's the problem. I don't know what's the least painful. It seems every year my mental state gets worse and never better. I was okay up until 2018, right after his first birthday because I was burdened with a lot of responsibilities as far as money went. I could make a good mother if I could just find a way to provide for him without putting myself in physical pain or being around stressors that trigger my PTSD or depression. But the question is more so how could I do that, or if it's even *possible* to do it.

I am nowhere near ready to CTB, but the longer I wait the worse it will be for him. And I care about him much more than I care about myself.

 

[Mr2005]

People shouldn't be made to feel bad for doing what we're here to do. The ones who should feel bad are the ones making this world a horrible place to be. I have reservations about bringing a child into this but at the same time I'm not content with letting evil win