Venting I blame myself for everything

[Malaria]

Any time something bad happens, any time someone mistreats me, I blame myself. I feel like I did something to deserve it. Intellectually I know it's not my fault, but emotionally I feel like I'm a bad person who deserves to be treated poorly. I end up feeling like I deserved what happened to me, I end up using self harm as a form of punishment.

One example is that I have experienced sexual abuse. I blame myself for that all the time, I tell myself things like "If I didn't trust that person, it wouldn't have happened." Or that I was bullied a lot growing up. "If I wasn't such an annoying austistic weirdo, they wouldn't have bullied me." I've had so-called friends and loved ones mistreat me and use me. "If I wasn't such a bad person, they wouldn't have treated me that way."

Again, intellectually I know a lot of those things aren't my fault, but I can't help but feel like it is my fault emotionally. Not sure how to break out of this mindset.

 

[untothedepths]

I do the same too. Anytime someone is remotely upset at me I just start apologizing immediately. My brain pumps out the "guilty chemicals", my chest feels sore, and my eyes begin to tear up or they sting as if about to. Everyday I think about what people probably think about me but they don't tell me. This is because it has happened before. And the SA thing is so sad, Ive done it to. Like...I always knew in the back of my repressed memory it did sorta happen but I don't know why I didn't say anything, cause I did for other moments. Was it because it was my dad?

I'm sorry you go through that. it sucks so much, I totally understand. I think its biological, at least for me. Nothing is worse than crying in front of people who even have the slightest concern. I;m not trying to manipulate I'm just feeling that awful about a situation already.

 

[xinino]

Dwelling on alternative decisions that you could have made to dudge especially the negative consequences, is hard even for the brain to deal with, they are past events. Our brain only deals with the present and uses emotions and rationality to make decisions, and it tries to learn from past experiences through guilt to protect you from similar future situations.

I think what really affected you is your subconscious or unconscious mind overstimulating negative experiences, It is kind of hard to reprogramme it, but since we only have control over our conscious mind, you can try to rationally convince yourself that it's not your fault and you are right. Over time, hopefully your subconscious mind will automatically rest as well as your overwhelming emotions.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Any time something bad happens, any time someone mistreats me, I blame myself. I feel like I did something to deserve it. Intellectually I know it's not my fault, but emotionally I feel like I'm a bad person who deserves to be treated poorly. I end up feeling like I deserved what happened to me, I end up using self harm as a form of punishment.

One example is that I have experienced sexual abuse. I blame myself for that all the time, I tell myself things like "If I didn't trust that person, it wouldn't have happened." Or that I was bullied a lot growing up. "If I wasn't such an annoying austistic weirdo, they wouldn't have bullied me." I've had so-called friends and loved ones mistreat me and use me. "If I wasn't such a bad person, they wouldn't have treated me that way."

Again, intellectually I know a lot of those things aren't my fault, but I can't help but feel like it is my fault emotionally. Not sure how to break out of this mindset.

That's a very common trauma response, blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault and beyond your control. Are there any free mental health clinics near you who you can talk to?
Btw, people take advantage of good people and mistreat them for their own self-serving reasons. They pick good people because they know they can get away with it because they're kind, less assuming, and less likely to suspect/see how manipulative they're being; and therefore to say no or heed their self-serving intentions. Good luck.

 

[Malaria]

Are there any free mental health clinics near you who you can talk to?

I am currently seeing a therapist.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I am currently seeing a therapist

And you've voiced these same questions/concerns with no help/clarity from them?

 

[Malaria]

And you've voiced these same questions/concerns with no help/clarity from them?

Yeah

 

[DefinitelyReady]

That's a very common trauma response, blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault and beyond your control. Are there any free mental health clinics near you who you can talk to?
Btw, people take advantage of good people and mistreat them for their own self-serving reasons. They pick good people because they know they can get away with it because they're kind, less assuming, and less likely to suspect/see how manipulative they're being; and therefore to say no or heed their self-serving intentions. Good luck.

Yeah

We're more qualified to dish advice than they are. Nodding your head and making a sympathetic face is not a therapeutic answer.