Reuthry
I just want a way out.
- Dec 16, 2023
- 201
I was planning to ctb today with NN, but I ended up surviving it. I was actually so calm before and during the time. A few hours ago of attempting, I listened to the playlist I specifically created for this, watched old cartoons that I used to watch when I was a kid.
When it was the time, I got into a cabin in the bathroom of the course center I go, locked the door and I mean I was sure that no one would find me and had the time to die. Basically I got my rolled up socks (like I actually folded and taped them so they were in a certain shape) and the belt with the hole I opened after measuring. It took me some time to find the correct spot, fastened and locked the belt, everything was fine and I actually blacked out and passed out as it seems, which is what should be happening. Then I woke up with the feeling blood is filling my face and my eyes felt like popping out. It was torturing and it took me a few second to release the belt since my arms, hands and especially fingers felt so weak. I then tried to place the socks correctly fastened the belt again and again and again and again. It was a nightmare.
I am guessing, the reason why I survived probably is the belt moved when I passed out and the compression wasn't applied correctly. I am not sure though, it is so weird, I sort of remember what happened but at the same time I don't remember, it's weird.
The result of fucking up the attempt: terrible and sharp headache that made me throw up (took some strong painkillers, it lessened but didn't go away), my eyes feel weird something in between being itchy and ache, my neck hurts (probably the effect of fastening and releasing the belt over and over again) and I feel weak in general. I am guessing these are temporary and will go away, I guess? But I feel really terrible mentally. I was so close but I fucked everything up. I feel like I disappointed the entire world somehow and myself. I don't know. And I deleted everything on my phone so no one could find a thing, encrypted the files I somehow wanted to keep on my SD card but I couldn't decrypt them I don't know why, so I had to reinstall everything on my phone (I reformated the internal storage and reflashed the OS several times). I mean I am not really worried about losing data, I am planning to ctb (won't be failing I hope, I have learned a few things today).
Well, I still want to use night night. It was peaceful and so fast when I did correctly. I just will make sure things won't get misplaced by using adhesive tape. The worst scenerio is dying on 29 Feb, but I plan to die earlier I just can't keep going.
In summary I feel terribly shitty. I feel like I disappointed myself and everyone. I don't know this feeling is terrible, and I was really close but fucked it up.
When it was the time, I got into a cabin in the bathroom of the course center I go, locked the door and I mean I was sure that no one would find me and had the time to die. Basically I got my rolled up socks (like I actually folded and taped them so they were in a certain shape) and the belt with the hole I opened after measuring. It took me some time to find the correct spot, fastened and locked the belt, everything was fine and I actually blacked out and passed out as it seems, which is what should be happening. Then I woke up with the feeling blood is filling my face and my eyes felt like popping out. It was torturing and it took me a few second to release the belt since my arms, hands and especially fingers felt so weak. I then tried to place the socks correctly fastened the belt again and again and again and again. It was a nightmare.
I am guessing, the reason why I survived probably is the belt moved when I passed out and the compression wasn't applied correctly. I am not sure though, it is so weird, I sort of remember what happened but at the same time I don't remember, it's weird.
The result of fucking up the attempt: terrible and sharp headache that made me throw up (took some strong painkillers, it lessened but didn't go away), my eyes feel weird something in between being itchy and ache, my neck hurts (probably the effect of fastening and releasing the belt over and over again) and I feel weak in general. I am guessing these are temporary and will go away, I guess? But I feel really terrible mentally. I was so close but I fucked everything up. I feel like I disappointed the entire world somehow and myself. I don't know. And I deleted everything on my phone so no one could find a thing, encrypted the files I somehow wanted to keep on my SD card but I couldn't decrypt them I don't know why, so I had to reinstall everything on my phone (I reformated the internal storage and reflashed the OS several times). I mean I am not really worried about losing data, I am planning to ctb (won't be failing I hope, I have learned a few things today).
Well, I still want to use night night. It was peaceful and so fast when I did correctly. I just will make sure things won't get misplaced by using adhesive tape. The worst scenerio is dying on 29 Feb, but I plan to die earlier I just can't keep going.
In summary I feel terribly shitty. I feel like I disappointed myself and everyone. I don't know this feeling is terrible, and I was really close but fucked it up.
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