UninformedLover
If you see me active on here...its gotten worse...
- Nov 12, 2019
- 264
After years of suffering I finally went to the doctor to try and get my mental health back in check. I spent all my time researching and rehearsing how and what to say to my doctor. I even ended up having a panic attack going to see him.
It was the most humiliating experience. At both visits I told him that my depression and anxiety are getting worse and I might need a therapist. The first visit he told me he'll run some test (blood work) and we'll talk about it when I come back next week. Next week arrives, I ask him again for the therapist and basically he said no. Even after I told him I have an increased urge to self harm. Essentially he said no because he doesn't want me to be prescribed medication because he believes it will do more harm to me then good. The same sentiment my mother shares.
I was in such a state of disbelief. He then told me to talk about how I feel to my parents and grandma. I don't want to talk to them. Mainly because their approach to mental illness is abhorrent 2. My mom is the sole reason of my depression and 3. No amount of talking to my family is going to help me. Nobody in my family is a psychiatrist, therapist, none of that. I need real psychological help by a trained medical official. I've been talking about how I feel - I talk about this shit all the freaking time.
I decided to try my doctor's advice and talk to my grandma today and it was a disaster - as expected. It went wrong for a myriad of ways.
I just don't get it. I'm putting in work. I'm putting in the work and the effort is just not being received. I got a job, I try to be a better person everyday, I shower almost everyday, I try to be optimistic,...I'm really trying out here and my life is only getting worse and worse. Its always something. I can never catch a break. And my mom is making it no easier.
I had really high hopes a week ago but honestly I just give up. I tried to search for a therapist myself but I'm so fucking stupid I got extremely overwhelmed because I didn't know where to start.
Today my mother came home and started problems again and I've come to the realization things will never change. Ever. I low-key screwed up my own life. I've meandered to long but I'm really going to pack it up and log out for good. Either that or I get a lobotomy because I'm drowning in my own sadness.
It was the most humiliating experience. At both visits I told him that my depression and anxiety are getting worse and I might need a therapist. The first visit he told me he'll run some test (blood work) and we'll talk about it when I come back next week. Next week arrives, I ask him again for the therapist and basically he said no. Even after I told him I have an increased urge to self harm. Essentially he said no because he doesn't want me to be prescribed medication because he believes it will do more harm to me then good. The same sentiment my mother shares.
I was in such a state of disbelief. He then told me to talk about how I feel to my parents and grandma. I don't want to talk to them. Mainly because their approach to mental illness is abhorrent 2. My mom is the sole reason of my depression and 3. No amount of talking to my family is going to help me. Nobody in my family is a psychiatrist, therapist, none of that. I need real psychological help by a trained medical official. I've been talking about how I feel - I talk about this shit all the freaking time.
I decided to try my doctor's advice and talk to my grandma today and it was a disaster - as expected. It went wrong for a myriad of ways.
I just don't get it. I'm putting in work. I'm putting in the work and the effort is just not being received. I got a job, I try to be a better person everyday, I shower almost everyday, I try to be optimistic,...I'm really trying out here and my life is only getting worse and worse. Its always something. I can never catch a break. And my mom is making it no easier.
I had really high hopes a week ago but honestly I just give up. I tried to search for a therapist myself but I'm so fucking stupid I got extremely overwhelmed because I didn't know where to start.
Today my mother came home and started problems again and I've come to the realization things will never change. Ever. I low-key screwed up my own life. I've meandered to long but I'm really going to pack it up and log out for good. Either that or I get a lobotomy because I'm drowning in my own sadness.