I know this question sounds ridiculous but I really ask myself whether he would judge me badly for it.
I was in a religious class for christians. I can remember 5-6 religion teachers. Some were conservative some rather liberal.
I already wrote in detail about how I learned in religion class for the first time about assisted suicide. And developed my personal stance on it. I always thought it is horrible that we leave suicidal people alone with that. We as society often abandon these people and look away. Exactly in this moment these people need help the most. People feel forced to jump in front of trains or other very horrible and cruel ways. This cannot be right.
At least this is my opinion.
The teacher I think about the most is quite young. He learned about my mental breakdown in school. I am not sure how much the school knew about my suicidality.
But they learned I seemingly fully recovered. This was an illusion from my deep depression I just switched into a new manic episode. But noone knew that to that time.
I think the school must have known about my suicidality. But I cannot say for sure. Maybe I have a cognitive bias about that. I was slightly paranoid to that time.
The teacher was pretty cool. He once asked us whether we really believe in God. And openly said you won't will receive any bad repercussion. I think he asked that prior to my mental breakdown. From a a scale between 1-10 we should position us. You truely believe in God for 1 and 10 you are convinced he does not exist. (Maybe the scale was the other way round). I cannot remember my answer but I think I gave an 8. So I barely believed in God. During my major depression I was on a 10. Now I am again at maybe 8 I would say.
I can remember after my severe depression with suicidality he asked me whether this experience changed my relation to God and religion. (it sounded like maybe religion might gave you strength.)
I was not direct with that. But later I revealed to him that I turned deeply atheistic by this experience. He had to laugh about my answer. As I said he is a cool guy. He did not know the following though. During my first major depression I had horrible nightmares about hell. I felt so guilty for being suicidal. Losing all of my religious beliefs helped me. The nightmares about hell got less which was a relief.
Some years later my best friend met him. The teacher asked about my well being. And my best friend responded that I relapsed. Some time afterwads I met the teacher. Maybe this is somewhat paranoid but I had the feeling he ignored me. I felt really horribly depressed to that time. I had the feeling he was disappointed that I threw away the gift of a full revovery. Though I have to say this thought sounds kind of paranoid due to the fact we did not speak from person to person.
So what would he say about or to me for being in this forum? Maybe he would worry about me in the first place. Maybe he would try to give me a guilty conscience I don't know. I really try to provide recovery resources and I really did that. I am just too fragile to live without this forum. Venting and crying about my horrible life gives me a relief. Kind of ironic because he imagined religion would give me that strength. I don't deny religion can have that role but it just did not work for me.
I know this thread sounds ridiculous but it was interesting to reflect on my emotions about it.
I was in a religious class for christians. I can remember 5-6 religion teachers. Some were conservative some rather liberal.
I already wrote in detail about how I learned in religion class for the first time about assisted suicide. And developed my personal stance on it. I always thought it is horrible that we leave suicidal people alone with that. We as society often abandon these people and look away. Exactly in this moment these people need help the most. People feel forced to jump in front of trains or other very horrible and cruel ways. This cannot be right.
At least this is my opinion.
The teacher I think about the most is quite young. He learned about my mental breakdown in school. I am not sure how much the school knew about my suicidality.
But they learned I seemingly fully recovered. This was an illusion from my deep depression I just switched into a new manic episode. But noone knew that to that time.
I think the school must have known about my suicidality. But I cannot say for sure. Maybe I have a cognitive bias about that. I was slightly paranoid to that time.
The teacher was pretty cool. He once asked us whether we really believe in God. And openly said you won't will receive any bad repercussion. I think he asked that prior to my mental breakdown. From a a scale between 1-10 we should position us. You truely believe in God for 1 and 10 you are convinced he does not exist. (Maybe the scale was the other way round). I cannot remember my answer but I think I gave an 8. So I barely believed in God. During my major depression I was on a 10. Now I am again at maybe 8 I would say.
I can remember after my severe depression with suicidality he asked me whether this experience changed my relation to God and religion. (it sounded like maybe religion might gave you strength.)
I was not direct with that. But later I revealed to him that I turned deeply atheistic by this experience. He had to laugh about my answer. As I said he is a cool guy. He did not know the following though. During my first major depression I had horrible nightmares about hell. I felt so guilty for being suicidal. Losing all of my religious beliefs helped me. The nightmares about hell got less which was a relief.
Some years later my best friend met him. The teacher asked about my well being. And my best friend responded that I relapsed. Some time afterwads I met the teacher. Maybe this is somewhat paranoid but I had the feeling he ignored me. I felt really horribly depressed to that time. I had the feeling he was disappointed that I threw away the gift of a full revovery. Though I have to say this thought sounds kind of paranoid due to the fact we did not speak from person to person.
So what would he say about or to me for being in this forum? Maybe he would worry about me in the first place. Maybe he would try to give me a guilty conscience I don't know. I really try to provide recovery resources and I really did that. I am just too fragile to live without this forum. Venting and crying about my horrible life gives me a relief. Kind of ironic because he imagined religion would give me that strength. I don't deny religion can have that role but it just did not work for me.
I know this thread sounds ridiculous but it was interesting to reflect on my emotions about it.
