I ask myself how many people there are who truely hate my threads and internet persona

[noname223]

I mean it is only natural that there are some people who like or hate you. This is how life works. You won't have a good chemistry to everyone. Like in this clinic this physics professors found me extremely annoying and disliked my whole appearance. I think I have some pathologies which one can like or hate. I present myself as very articulate and smart. Though I think on many topics I comment my knowledge is rather shallow. I think he really hated that.

There was once a guy in this forum who said could you please stop to quote Wittgenstein myriads of times in a wrong way. I quoted David Foster Wallace who seemingly spread a wrong Wittgenstein quote. So my personality can be quite annoying. People also told me I am too moralistic which is kind of funny because it is a common stereotype for Germans.

However I also received many many positive comments for my threads. Moreover I benefit from them so I will continue to do them. Many told me they wonder how I can come up with all the topics/details. I don't know I just ruminate a lot. I think one reason for being that creative is my illness. I barely have emptiness in my head. It is really hard for me to give me breaks. It is essential for my mental health. But I have many many thoughts during the day. I think a lot. So much that it is quite tormenting. And sometimes the thoughts are counterproductive. After my crash from mania into depression the racing thoughts were like an hurricane. It poured on me. Or they were like a never ending pain from pinpricks and evey second there was a new one. It was truely nightmarish and I prepare to kill myself when the pain returns.

There are probably some people who silently read my threads. Of course not all posts. Who has so much time to waste anyway? But it is weird that they can
get a grasp of how my consciousness feels like but I will never read their story. I think many people are emotionally more stable than me. When I kill myself I will be devastated, cry without an end and feel completely miserable without any break. I read about suicidality that some feel more calm after they decided to do it. However when I tried partial and stood at the 7th floor to look down from I was in extreme pain. And I can't imagine being calm (in my Language "gefasst" is more acurate) when facing death. "Gefasst" also has the nuance of being okay with the development how live has turned out. Being able to accept one's fate. I think I will never be fully able to do that. I think I will feel miserable to the end. And some of my last thoughts will be. "Why, why did exactly I have such a hellish life. How did I deserve so much unimaginable pain?" ect. I think these questions which torment me show why quiting religion had a positive impact on my mental health. Because in my opinion christianity scapegoats suicidal people. And even wants to punish them further which I consider as disgusting.

So again much rambling. The people who dislike my threads are not forced to read them anyway. Or they can put me on ignore gladly. Maybe this thread was self-absorbed but who cares. It is a suicide forum so people here have a lot of problems anyway. It is okay to be self-absorbed. There are worse things than that.

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I really like your posts. They are well presented and thoughtful. Please keep making them.

 

[Jarni]

Your threads are very interesting. Thank you for them.

 

[Ultracheese]

I always enjoy reading your threads. You are very thoughtful and always consider a variety of different perspectives. They also provoke a lot of interesting conversations here. I must admit that I'm quite envious of your ability to be so articulate. I think many of us here can say confidently that we're grateful for the amount of thought and detail you put into your threads.

 

[FuneralCry]

Sounds like you are so desperately wanting others to give you compliments. Honestly, it's best not to care too much about what others think, there is no point to caring so much, their opinions are insignificant.

 

[Rapière]

Not sure if this is meant to be an open invitatition to criticize you, but whatever. Here's what I dislike most about you:

1. Instead of gushing out 3 new threads a day, written in rather poor english, I think you should have the decency to take some time out of your day to interact with users who read and reply to your stuff. I'm often under the impression that you are using this site as a personal blog, which you try to disguise by pretenting to be intetered in what others have to say about a given topic.

2. I don't see anything wrong with being a morally sensitive person but I find it obnoxious when someone uses morality as a self-rightous tool to judge and condemn the actions of other people just so they can feel better about themselvds. True virtue is silent virtue.

 

[Sakura94]

Personally my eyes glaze over on anything over a few paragraphs so I probably wont reply. Also I could be wrong, but I'm not sure if you engage much with the replies. That might be why I don't reply too. I like to engage.
I have no issue with you expressing yourself on the forum.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

You make A LOT of posts. Like, verging on too many imo. I almost never read them anymore.

 

[lionetta12]

I mean it is only natural that there are some people who like or hate you. This is how life works. You won't have a good chemistry to everyone. Like in this clinic this physics professors found me extremely annoying and disliked my whole appearance. I think I have some pathologies which one can like or hate. I present myself as very articulate and smart. Though I think on many topics I comment my knowledge is rather shallow. I think he really hated that.

There was once a guy in this forum who said could you please stop to quote Wittgenstein myriads of times in a wrong way. I quoted David Foster Wallace who seemingly spread a wrong Wittgenstein quote. So my personality can be quite annoying. People also told me I am too moralistic which is kind of funny because it is a common stereotype for Germans.

However I also received many many positive comments for my threads. Moreover I benefit from them so I will continue to do them. Many told me they wonder how I can come up with all the topics/details. I don't know I just ruminate a lot. I think one reason for being that creative is my illness. I barely have emptiness in my head. It is really hard for me to give me breaks. It is essential for my mental health. But I have many many thoughts during the day. I think a lot. So much that it is quite tormenting. And sometimes the thoughts are counterproductive. After my crash from mania into depression the racing thoughts were like an hurricane. It poured on me. Or they were like a never ending pain from pinpricks and evey second there was a new one. It was truely nightmarish and I prepare to kill myself when the pain returns.

There are probably some people who silently read my threads. Of course not all posts. Who has so much time to waste anyway? But it is weird that they can
get a grasp of how my consciousness feels like but I will never read their story. I think many people are emotionally more stable than me. When I kill myself I will be devastated, cry without an end and feel completely miserable without any break. I read about suicidality that some feel more calm after they decided to do it. However when I tried partial and stood at the 7th floor to look down from I was in extreme pain. And I can't imagine being calm (in my Language "gefasst" is more acurate) when facing death. "Gefasst" also has the nuance of being okay with the development how live has turned out. Being able to accept one's fate. I think I will never be fully able to do that. I think I will feel miserable to the end. And some of my last thoughts will be. "Why, why did exactly I have such a hellish life. How did I deserve so much unimaginable pain?" ect. I think these questions which torment me show why quiting religion had a positive impact on my mental health. Because in my opinion christianity scapegoats suicidal people. And even wants to punish them further which I consider as disgusting.

So again much rambling. The people who dislike my threads are not forced to read them anyway. Or they can put me on ignore gladly. Maybe this thread was self-absorbed but who cares. It is a suicide forum so people here have a lot of problems anyway. It is okay to be self-absorbed. There are worse things than that.

I've said it before and I love your threads, it gives me my daily dosage of needed intellectual stimulation and pondering. Also, don't worry about any typos or errors here and there, a lot of people here are not native english speakers and don't think about it, your english is good and coherent to me at least.

 

[CTB Dream]

Truth say thread lively make think more ok want do write ok not worry other say, keep write

 

[Celerity]

Some of the topics you bring up are interesting. Even if I usually disagree with your takes and would prefer you used threads less like blogs and more like the forums they are supposed to be (@cat_supremacist has a point), your contributions are at least food for thought. At worst, I can scroll past.

As for some of the other issues you bring up in your post - fuck it. Take a good look around at some of the despairingly unhinged shit people agree with and celebrate here and you will realize there isn't a popularity contest worth winning around these parts.

 

[noname223]

Not sure if this is meant to be an open invitatition to criticize you, but whatever. Here's what I dislike most about you:

1. Instead of gushing out 3 new threads a day, written in rather poor english, I think you should have the decency to take some time out of your day to interact with users who read and reply to your stuff. I'm often under the impression that you are using this site as a personal blog, which you try to disguise by pretenting to be intetered in what others have to say about a given topic.

2. I don't see anything wrong with being a morally sensitive person but I find it obnoxious when someone uses morality as a self-rightous tool to judge and condemn the actions of other people just so they can feel better about themselvds. True virtue is silent virtue.

Which English mistakes are you refering to? Why do you consider it poor English?

There are some reasons why I don't reply in many threads. I don't like to get into arguments which is not that seldom on here. I think some disagree with my posts and that is fine. When I get a provocative reply I rather ignore it instead of engaging in a fight.

Moreover I want to limit the time I spend with this forum. And especially arguments are very counterproductive and take a long time. I also have some OCD when I interact with people on here. What if I say something harsh to them and they are on the edge of suicide or things like that.

But it is true. I profit the most by putting the stuff out that is currently on my mind. The interactions do not give me (comparatively) that much comfort. Probably also because I avoid to make friendships in this forum due the risk of losing a friend to suicide.

 

[Rapière]

Which English mistakes are you refering to? Why do you consider it poor English?

I meant that your writing isn't eloquent enough to justify making such humongous walls of text all the time. For instance, your sentences feel very cut off in addition to some obvious grammar mistakes and a repetitive choice of words. Most of your thoughts could easily be distilled into a few paragraphs, if you ask me.

There are some reasons why I don't reply in many threads. I don't like to get into arguments which is not that seldom on here. I think some disagree with my posts and that is fine. When I get a provocative reply I rather ignore it instead of engaging in a fight

Riddle me this then: why are you making discussion-styled threads if you don't like having arguments? Dp you consider every strong dosagreemnt a 'provocative reply'?

It's a bit ironic to design your posts like a Platonic dialogue, where you're giving your own ideas some scrutiny (as much as you feel comfortable with, I presume) but fall silent when a real person challenges your beliefs. Especially if you frequently use adjectives like 'evil' or 'disgusting' to describe your opponents or opposing viewpoints, you should atleast be able to stand your ground.

What if I say something harsh to them and they are on the edge of suicide or things like that.

Well, you can't use this as an excuse for me anymore. I'm giving you permissiom to always strile me as hard as you like.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I don't agree with everything, but if anything bothered me I'm self-aware enough to know it's through fault of my own fallibility & expectations and not anyone elses. I automatically preface everything with it being a subjective opinion internally. So I can say there's nothing to dislike as a person. I think your threads are interesting and I do not think there is such a thing as too many threads (within reason), just as I would like to think there is no such thing as too few.

I think ctb has it right, that the forum can exact some positives from continual input and people should be able to write what they're thinking about without worrying too much. This isn't a place for exclusive thought, if someone gets upset with something it could be a case of learning how to tolerate and practice their own self-control. I'm aware of the irony this brings upon itself.

 

[Someone123]

I like your threads, but I sometimes wish they were shorter, it's too much to read sometimes. They are interesting though, but I skim them a lot rather than read the whole thread.

 

[noname223]

I meant that your writing isn't eloquent enough to justify making such humongous walls of text all the time. For instance, your sentences feel very cut off in addition to some obvious grammar mistakes and a repetitive choice of words. Most of your thoughts could easily be distilled into a few paragraphs, if you ask me.

Riddle me this then: why are you making discussion-styled threads if you don't like having arguments? Dp you consider every strong dosagreemnt a 'provocative reply'?

It's a bit ironic to design your posts like a Platonic dialogue, where you're giving your own ideas some scrutiny (as much as you feel comfortable with, I presume) but fall silent when a real person challenges your beliefs. Especially if you frequently use adjectives like 'evil' or 'disgusting' to describe your opponents or opposing viewpoints, you should atleast be able to stand your ground.

Well, you can't use this as an excuse for me anymore. I'm giving you permissiom to always strile me as hard as you like.

I like to make people think that is right but being part of a discussion is often bad for my mental health. I like to read the discussions in my threads. Though being part of arguments is for me too stressful.

Gladly noone is forced to engage with them. They know now my premises. And I can still use that excuse. Especially for my own well being. Gladly there is the ignore button.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Well, you can't use this as an excuse for me anymore. I'm giving you permissiom to always strile me as hard as you like.

That does not mean they would still feel comfortable doing so. Not everyone is comfortable to be confrontational and even those that are might not be comfortable doing so. There are good reasons for everything that don't need to be explained up front. Honestly one of the reasons I respond to anyone at all is because multiple other people tell me they are afraid to say anything.

I don't think someone should have their thoughts & discussion silenced simply because they do not to wish to engage in internet arguments.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I find your threads very thought provoking and interesting. Do you get much 'hate' then? I haven't noticed it but that's a shame if you do. This ought to be a place to freely express ideas. Or, is it that you don't always get many responses to threads that is troubling you?

I do agree with other posts- you don't seem to respond to people's replies (of course- there's no obligation to.) I have now read your response to that- and I sympathise with what you are saying.

I suppose personally- and selfishly- I enjoy using this place as a forum. I like to debate and exchange ideas with others. Especially the OP- because they initiated the discussion. I personally don't see disagreement as arguing (not in an aggresive sense anyhow.) I think it contributes to how we form our own ideas. (Of course- it can be aggresive- and then it makes sense to ignore it.)

I suppose we all use the forum slightly differently. I enjoy the interaction. Especially if the OP seems to invite discussion. Still- I understand and respect that this may not be what you enjoy.

I suppose- from a personal perspective, if I know an OP doesn't usually respond to comments, I might read a long body of text- if the subject interests me but I might not bother leaving a response if I know it likely won't be read and the thread will grow cold.

I'm not sure if that is what you meant... I guess I'm trying to infer why you think people might 'hate' you or your threads? Don't know whether that's because you receive hate or you feel like you are being ignored?

I'm not sure we ever really know what people think of us. I expect we all have people that like us and find us irritating- same as we feel about others. You can't please everyone. 'Hate' is a very strong emotion though. Personally I feel like someone REALLY has to wrong me for me to feel hate.

Anyway. I wish you well. I personally really enjoy your threads.

 

[noname223]

I find your threads very thought provoking and interesting. Do you get much 'hate' then? I haven't noticed it but that's a shame if you do. This ought to be a place to freely express ideas. Or, is it that you don't always get many responses to threads that is troubling you?

I do agree with other posts- you don't seem to respond to people's replies (of course- there's no obligation to.) I have now read your response to that- and I sympathise with what you are saying.

I suppose personally- and selfishly- I enjoy using this place as a forum. I like to debate and exchange ideas with others. Especially the OP- because they initiated the discussion. I personally don't see disagreement as arguing (not in an aggresive sense anyhow.) I think it contributes to how we form our own ideas. (Of course- it can be aggresive- and then it makes sense to ignore it.)

I suppose we all use the forum slightly differently. I enjoy the interaction. Especially if the OP seems to invite discussion. Still- I understand and respect that this may not be what you enjoy.

I suppose- from a personal perspective, if I know an OP doesn't usually respond to comments, I might read a long body of text- if the subject interests me but I might not bother leaving a response if I know it likely won't be read and the thread will grow cold.

I'm not sure if that is what you meant... I guess I'm trying to infer why you think people might 'hate' you or your threads? Don't know whether that's because you receive hate or you feel like you are being ignored?

I'm not sure we ever really know what people think of us. I expect we all have people that like us and find us irritating- same as we feel about others. You can't please everyone. 'Hate' is a very strong emotion though. Personally I feel like someone REALLY has to wrong me for me to feel hate.

Anyway. I wish you well. I personally really enjoy your threads.

Thanks a lot for this kind reply.

It is not really about hate I receive or not enough attention. I had this question because I had the experience that a person that I admired really hated me. And this left me kind of sad. Maybe I have some behaviors which some people consider as very annoying. I know you cannot please all but I try to be self-aware about it.

Yesterday I tried to reply to this thread and by that it increased the time I spent on this forum a lot. I worry that I might said something wrong or that I made mistakes and check my answer a couple of times afterwards. Moreover the curiosity whether someones answers grows a lot. I try to be productive person because I have some responsibilities. I checked the forum even more often than on a usual day.
I will try in the future to reply more often. Though I recognize sometimes this is stressful for me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thanks a lot for this kind reply.

It is not really about hate I receive or not enough attention. I had this question because I had the experience that a person that I admired really hated me. And this left me kind of sad. Maybe I have some behaviors which some people consider as very annoying. I know you cannot please all but I try to be self-aware about it.

Yesterday I tried to reply to this thread and by that it increased the time I spent on this forum a lot. I worry that I might said something wrong or that I made mistakes and check my answer a couple of times afterwards. Moreover the curiosity whether someones answers grows a lot. I try to be productive person because I have some responsibilities. I checked the forum even more often than on a usual day.
I will try in the future to reply more often. Though I recognize sometimes this is stressful for me.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can relate to this. I have had people in my life that I have held in especially high esteem. It can really hurt when that isn't reciprocated.

Hate is so strong though and I would say that reflects more on them as a person than you. From your posts, it's clear that you are very self aware. That's all we can be at the end of the day. We still need to be able to express ourselves- unless we're behaving really offensively and unreasonably (which I don't get the sense from you.) At what point do you have to limit your personality and behaviour in order to fit in with someone else? Where you essentially aren't you anymore? I'm not sure it's worth it at that point.

The people I have admired have been particularly skilled in my field, or they have been warm and funny. I haven't had exactly bad experiences with them but I have noticed that they click with other people far better than me. Of course- there shouldn't be any expectation from me. There isn't asuch- it's more a feeling of foolishness/disappointment and hurt because the way I felt about them wasn't reciprocated.

I guess that's life though- sadly. People click or don't for all sorts of different reasons. Some people just aren't looking for that many connections to begin with. Maybe they are just naturally a bit aloof? I do understand the disappointment though.

I probably shouldn't but I tend to take it as a rather harsh, negative lesson- maybe to try not to hold people in such high esteem and put so much value on how they feel about you. Admire people- definitely but don't necessarily take it as a snub if they don't want to be friends. They could just be a higly intelligent arsehole!

You definitely don't come across as offensive though (that I've seen), so I doubt you have really offended anyone. You shouldn't feel forced to do anything. If replying to people makes you stressed- don't do it. This forum ought to be for relief- not more stress!

At the end of the day- we likely all do things that irritate one another but that's the beauty of free will. I write long, repetitive threads. I'm grateful if people read and respond to them but I don't expect it. We're all just using this place for primarily our own needs and helping others where we can.

Like I say- I'm sure I will continue to enjoy your threads, whether you respond to comments or not. You talk about really interesting and varied topics.

 

[noname223]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can relate to this. I have had people in my life that I have held in especially high esteem. It can really hurt when that isn't reciprocated.

Hate is so strong though and I would say that reflects more on them as a person than you. From your posts, it's clear that you are very self aware. That's all we can be at the end of the day. We still need to be able to express ourselves- unless we're behaving really offensively and unreasonably (which I don't get the sense from you.) At what point do you have to limit your personality and behaviour in order to fit in with someone else? Where you essentially aren't you anymore? I'm not sure it's worth it at that point.

The people I have admired have been particularly skilled in my field, or they have been warm and funny. I haven't had exactly bad experiences with them but I have noticed that they click with other people far better than me. Of course- there shouldn't be any expectation from me. There isn't asuch- it's more a feeling of foolishness/disappointment and hurt because the way I felt about them wasn't reciprocated.

I guess that's life though- sadly. People click or don't for all sorts of different reasons. Some people just aren't looking for that many connections to begin with. Maybe they are just naturally a bit aloof? I do understand the disappointment though.

I probably shouldn't but I tend to take it as a rather harsh, negative lesson- maybe to try not to hold people in such high esteem and put so much value on how they feel about you. Admire people- definitely but don't necessarily take it as a snub if they don't want to be friends. They could just be a higly intelligent arsehole!

You definitely don't come across as offensive though (that I've seen), so I doubt you have really offended anyone. You shouldn't feel forced to do anything. If replying to people makes you stressed- don't do it. This forum ought to be for relief- not more stress!

At the end of the day- we likely all do things that irritate one another but that's the beauty of free will. I write long, repetitive threads. I'm grateful if people read and respond to them but I don't expect it. We're all just using this place for primarily our own needs and helping others where we can.

Like I say- I'm sure I will continue to enjoy your threads, whether you respond to comments or not. You talk about really interesting and varied topics.

That response was very lovely.
Thank you a lot!

 

[lionetta12]

Thanks a lot for this kind reply.

It is not really about hate I receive or not enough attention. I had this question because I had the experience that a person that I admired really hated me. And this left me kind of sad. Maybe I have some behaviors which some people consider as very annoying. I know you cannot please all but I try to be self-aware about it.

Yesterday I tried to reply to this thread and by that it increased the time I spent on this forum a lot. I worry that I might said something wrong or that I made mistakes and check my answer a couple of times afterwards. Moreover the curiosity whether someones answers grows a lot. I try to be productive person because I have some responsibilities. I checked the forum even more often than on a usual day.
I will try in the future to reply more often. Though I recognize sometimes this is stressful for me.

It sounds like you're really hard on yourself. Try not to worry so much. I don't think anyone on here has any reason to hate you or be annoyed with you. We are all struggling in some way here, so if you don't reply, or if it's not flawless or if you take your time, it's okay. Even I need some time, sometimes it take me hours or a couple of days to reply to my own threads and posts. It depends how many obligations I have and how overwhelemed I am emotionally, but I do read the replies fast and appreciate them so much.

I understand how you're feeling, the person I admire the most hate me now too and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why, what's wrong with me, but had to realise that the fault is not with me, the fault lays with him and that can be tough to realise about someone you look up to and are found of, but everyone he knows and everyone I know assured me that my end conclusion of the situation and the person was accurate. It's a hard thing to do, but don't feel hated or annoying, at least not on here.

 

[Maudlin]

I disagree with your opinion often... but I like the fact that your threads bring up topics that open opportunities for critical conversation. Regarding opposing opinions on events is important to me... it's the only way true progress can be achieved, in my mind.

Perhaps I'm that rare type who can disagree without hate. Or that even rarer type who actually enjoys someone more because of disagreement. For me, if my thoughts and beliefs aren't challenged, and hold true regardless... then they're not worth holding to begin with.

I value objective truth. All too often objective truth can only be reached after chiseling away much subjective bullshit... but, when reached it's truly "a diamond in the rough".

You're a diamond in the rough, Noname. I like you.

 

[Rainy_days]

I think you make interesting threads that are a good diversion from only suicide talk. I'm not always interested to go into politics and stuff but nice to have the option.

 

[noname223]

I do not find you (as a person) annoying or anything, but... You are spamming the forum. Why not create a single journal-like thread instead?
Furthermore, too many topics created by the same user often clog up the front/first page, making it more difficult for others to receive replies.

So far the positive feedback is bigger than the negative. Moreover the mods never suggested to do something like that. So I will keep doing the threads.
I don't consider it spam due to the fact I put a lot of energy into them. And people enjoy them.

 

[noname223]

Yours still drown out others'. And as you rarely engage with any replies, creating multiple threads instead of multiple (however many) posts in a single one is rather... pointless, which is why it feels more like spam (the energy spent also does not always equal quality, although I've only ever read the titles of yours and skimmed over a few, therefore I wouldn't know how good or bad they are). Some (most?) users had a similar issue with forum games before those were moved to a separate subforum.
I could simply ignore your account, of course, yet that would also hide all your comments, which I don't mind reading.
Many would also be more reluctant to express a negative opinion than a positive one, I assume, especially non-anonymously.
The choice is yours, however; there is indeed no rule that would restrict how many topics a user may create.

I question this statement. The framing of this thread adresses critical voices of my threads and not the positive ones. Despite that I got huge support in this thread. Some replies really mean a lot to me and comforted me so much. They were pretty lovely.
So I wll continue to do my threads.

If you don't like my threads feel free to ignore me. I have absolutely no problem with that. I think in life it is always true. There will be people who find you annoying and people who like you. And the people who expressed their sympathy for me mean way much more than the people who dislike my threads. If they are so annoying people can still put me on ignore. But seemingly you don't even read them? This is for me another reason to listen to those who actually read them. For me it seems kind of weird to write such a reply if you cannot even judge the quality of them because you only skimmed over a few.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I'm sorry you are so hard on yourself. I can't say I have the patience anymore to read long threads like the ones you post but that is a me problem, not a you problem (also your English isn't poor, especially compared to a lot of ESLs who post on the Internet, it is perfectly comprehensible so I don't know where that came from - this isn't English class), you should be free to make the threads you like. I don't hate you, and as observed by many others who have posted in this thread, a lot of people like you. I know it probably must feel like crap to know that somebody else does not like you, or that a group of people do not like you (I have experienced these feelings before myself), it is best to focus on and engage with the people who do like you here, in my opinion. Take care of yourself.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I don't hate your threads or you (mainly since I don't really interact with you so you haven't left a bad impression on me). My only critique is that you should interact with people who take the time to comment and read your posts, or at the very least react to their comments.

 

[Dark Moon]

I might have seen your posts/threads before but I don't hate you or your threads.

 

[rationaltake]

Hey. I admire your English. You write very well and have a distinctive voice. It's not easy to communicate in another language. I know that from experience. I doubt if I could ever express myself as well in the two languages I studied to university level - even back in the day when I was really on form.