i am unable to love or be loved

[teethingnightmare]

i am incapable of love or value

i fall in love with every woman i see. i used to not be like this. i used to have personal agency and recognize myself as an individual. i used to do things, i used to have passions and concerns. i identified myself as a person and the void was filled.

somewhere a long the line i lost my way. i started defining myself by the women i dated. i started getting obsessed and attached with people who showed me affection. i revealed to them a side i kept hidden, one that demands, one that needs constant validation, one that is entitled and deserves their love.

love turns me insane. i can't function when i get in certain ways. i've identified it as R-OCD and limerence, but that's as far as i've been getting. i obsess, i attach, i beg, i crave, i yearn, i'm never satisfied. i want them to look me in the eyes and tell them they love me forever. i want to be aggressively loved by people i aggressively love. but the people who love me, that i don't love, i discard. if you don't meet my warped criteria dictated by my selfish, sick subconscious then i don't want you. i want her, the woman i obsess over, even if she abuses me, that's ok, because my obsession is sated.

i just want to cuddle and kiss but people don't believe me. they think i want to get them into bed to fuck like one night stand shit, but that's not the case. i want to cuddle. i want to be held and i want to hold. i want to obsess. i want to simp. and i certainly want to fucking stare at old IG pictures of her for days on end on end until i self harm again

slowly now, more than anything, i want to die. if i can't have her, then no one can have me. i want to shoot myself in the mouth. i'm very privledged in life, i have a loving family and dear friends, i have a job, i have a cat, but none of it seems to matter. regardless of how many people i have to lean on, they can't fix me, only i can fix me, but i can't seem to fix me. i'm 31 and i'm so tired. i smoke weed and take vyvance everyday. it's push and pull.

before i die i need to make something. pretty songs or silly videos. i need something that can grow when i can't anymore. i want to make a very beautiful collection of electronic music. maybe i'll name a song after her. all the her's, each one that showed me my iron fist. the one i use to crush butterflies when they trust me enough to land in my hands. the same iron fist that bludgeons everything after being paranoid everyday thinking "PLEASE DON'T BLUDGEON THIS THING"

i want to wake up asexual. no longer do i want feelings of attraction. i'm not a bad looking guy but it's like i'm dessicating. i hate it. i hate what love makes of me. i never learned how to love the right way, or my attatchment style was fucked from the start, or something. i don't know the reason. all i think about is her, and my thoughts of her are what define me, and i can't be my own person anymore. i'm not a person. i'm a vessel for a pretty woman to control. because i want to be controlled. i don't want a life.

expectations will always hurt you, better off

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

There is an awful lot of self-awareness in your words, and yet there is something missing at the core.

There is a kind of Pretty Woman archetype looming large over you, and the flesh-and-bone pretty women you fall in and out of love with are simply playing the role. You say you have a privileged life, and at one point you saw yourself as a whole individual. But somewhere along the way you fell for this archetypal Pretty Woman, and now you feel a burning need to live out that idea—loving beyond reason and being loved beyond reason in return, to an obsessive degree. The question here would be, I suppose, what does the Pretty Woman represent? And where did this obsession come from? You speak of a longing to be loved, desired, obsessed over. Where is this coming from?

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Bit of a fun synchronicity, but when I started typing out this reply my music player jumped to Van Halen's Can't Stop Lovin' You. "We can push with all our might, but nothin's gonna come."