I am trapped inside a complicated ape, and to my horror I might even live as long as a "natural" death inasmuch as organ damage can be called that

[Jorms_McGander]

I realise I don't belong in either the "suicide" or the "recovery" sections.

I'm carrying head injuries going back decades, 5 major ones, 4 with amnesia, 1 with retroactive amnesia.

I'm just gonna suffer and when I die I die, I think. I don't think I have the agency anymore. But each time I damage my health, it comes a little closer.

I have lifelong tendon injuries in both forearms, I have cartilage and bone injuries in both elbows and one knee, I have healed fractures in both sets of metacarpals and the right foot set of metatarsals.

I have chronic pain in my lower back from congenital issues [back spasms since 14yo], in my upper back from carrying anxiety.

My left hand goes entirely numb sometimes because of the stress I carry in my upper back.

I might be showing rheumatoid arthritis--I've had debilitating metatarsalgia and continuous never-ending pain around my central mid-phalanges both hand and foot.

I might also be a hypochrondriac. I don't know if any of this pain is "normal" or if I'm just trying to get attention. Cuz, that's another thing.

I'm a human being, I'd like to be noticed, and I know I'll be noticed in a hospital. Part of why I have such a history of self injury. I don't want to quantify things, but I've been put back together a few times.

I don't even know when I need help anymore. I just don't know. My two choices are: psych ward, or help my family. Or death. As I said, I am a coward. I want to believe that a heart as big as mine has some fucking reason to exist, or did I really just pop into life for the fierce apes to abuse me and denigrate me and send me packing.

I do not enjoy my time amongst the fierce apes.

 

[Celerity]

I am sorry you are going through all that. I have my own aches and pains, but they don't hold a candle to what you describe. Have any medical professionals weighed in on the pain you're experiencing?

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I am sorry you are going through all that. I have my own aches and pains, but they don't hold a candle to what you describe. Have any medical professionals weighed in on the pain you're experiencing?

No; this seems like an exaggeration but I literally got naked and laid on the exam table and was violated [medically, consensually] in multiple ways and the doctor just blew me off.

I reported a cyst, he said there's no cyst, and 24 hours later I drained 2oz of purulent discharge from the same location he was touching.

So he never examined it?

You gotta understand--I asked him specifically to tell me what to do, because I was incredibly anxious about the exam, then he tells me there's nothing there, then y'know I'm not gonna say it again.

A lot of this is "I can't ask for help", a lot of pain I have is due to struggling to get help. But in this case, when things got so bad I had to ask for help, I was told there's nothing wrong.

C'est la vie I suppose.