I am so, so sorry to hear about your son's passing. I know nothing I can say will really mean much, just know that I mean it when I say I love you and hope the universe grants you moments of everyday peace.
Thank you for saying that. My mom tells me she'll figure it out and works really hard (she was a single mom, too) and doesn't want me to worry about the cost. My dad is sort of a jerk and literally only talks about money and how he loves me (through gritted teeth) but now he's never going to be able to retire and whats the point of all these shrinks if it's not even making me functional?
My agoraphobia keeps me inside, mostly. I want to go to school but the thought of it is so triggering and I just hate myself and feel stupid and overwhelmed until I cry.
I've never heard of that kind of disability! I get SSD based on my work record. In my paperwork it says I was disabled when I was no longer able to work, I didn't know there was anything else available.
thank you so much. I just can't wait to be reunited with him.
Your dad should be more compassionate. No wonder you feel badly about it. Don't listen to him. Your mom does it out of love and doesn't regret it at all, I'm sure. The bond a loving mom especially shares with her child is something I can quite explain, it's that deep. Your child grew in her womb, you share nutrients in that womb and a blood supply, you were 2 heart beats as 1 and you would take on the entire world for your child if it would bring them a smile. They have found that moms of sons have their sons dna in their brain. I think we are just touching the surface of that maternal child bond.
At what age did they decide you became disabled? At going to be 23 tomorrow you shouldn't have much of a work record. Is there a paper trail- doctors therapists prior to 18 yrs of age? If so call social security and ask about adult disabled as a child benefits. I would assume since your dad is so money talk he makes the higher income- they would use his income to base your benefits.
I honestly don't know how it works. I spent 16 1/2 -18 1/2 in and out of psych and several CTB attempts. At 18 1/2 I was diagnosed with cancer. At 20 I had my son, I was 21-22 or so I got a check in the mail for 10thou. I called my mom and said what and why do I have this? she said go cash it. I was like no if it isn't really mine I will have to pay it back or end up in jail or something. So I called around to track it down from dept of treasury to SSDI adult disabled as a child benefits. Apparently at some point in my cancer treatment my mom went through the VA agent orange, and ended up applying for some benefits which didn't catch me until I was 21-22. I did get a monthly check based on my dads work record for a couple of years. I started my cleaning service when I was ohh about 25 and was doing very well. I got the benefits closed out. I became ill in 2013 and can no longer work at almost 42 and instead of using my work record from 25-42- they used my dads and still said adult disabled as a child. My dad made amazing money and his benefits are higher than my work record would have provided. I say its part of a govt shut up payment due to my cancer & birth defects most likely is from his agent orange exposure in vietnam. When I first tried to close the benefits when I had a booming residential and commercial cleaning at service at 25 it was hard to do. They said my doctors have determined I am indefinitely disabled. I was bringing in ohh about $3500 a week back than. I fought with them to close it.
I can understand your agoraphobia making it hard to go to school. Maybe if you end up feeling better at some point look at online schooling? You could take a GED course online and probably take the GED test online to. Adult education in your area and possibly vocational schools would be able to provide you with free online courses or free online study material for a GED.. Especially with covid so much has gone online. Nothing to rush into- but since you commented " I'm 23 tomorrow and I've not even finished 12th grade. I'm useless and my existence is pointless " I see you would feel more accomplished having your diploma. If you don't CTB and are 28 and get your GED who cares what age you are at least you ended up finding that courage to get it and can feel that sense of accomplishment. I actually got my GED at about 25 maybe 26. I wanted to show my son it was important to get your diploma. I somehow got chosen to receive a year paid vocational school. When they called me up for that award my son who was 5 or 6 than jumped up and down yelling thats my mommy! I was so happy he saw that and was so proud of his mom. Since I was so busy with my cleaning service I didn't take advantage of that year of free school so the 2nd runner up got it. At almost 49 I do regret not having the time to take advantage of that free year of schooling. did my residentials starting 9am-4pm spent 4pm-7pm with my son than went out to do my commercials until 2am. Despite being born into hell, my depressed anxiety teen years with at least 4 CTB attempts that I can think of.. I managed to make a successful business at 25. I would take Joey on the weekends to clean some of my commercials and a couple of my residential accounts. Sorry to ramble off on this thread it just brought back some happy memories of my son when he was younger...
That is very expensive. Suicidal individuals are constantly implored to get help, but when they try to seek assistance, like you, they are charged so much. It is understandable why there are many out there who refuse to seek help.
@Sampervivum adding you in because you commented " In my experiences, therapists are not here to help you, they are only money vampires"
I have decent insurance. After my son died I did try to get help. I called around no where took my insurance. I called insurance they texted me a list of providers who "accept" my insurance. I called the list and none took it. I was told by more than 1 place at some point they did take it- insurance companies aren't quick to remove offices who no longer accept it. The insurance lists are rather old. I had a list of over 40 places I called. I'm trying to deal with the death of my child and it was hard enough to wash my face when I woke up let alone all those calls to be told nope we do not take your insurance..
My mom moved in with me 2 months after my son died. At his 1yr anniversary mark exact day I was being interviewed by child protective services. My younger son was 17 than. My mom was going through depression and because I wasn't waiting on her hand and foot catering to her- she made me out to be a neglectful abusive person. Brought up how I was a drunk teenager and she was afraid of me- 30 years ago! She uses a wheelchair by choice, she can walk. Not well because she has sat on her bum for ohh 15 yrs or so because my step dad waited on her hand and foot. She can't save a dime and she thought making my home out to be abusive and neglectful they would help pay her deposits to get into this assisted living facility she was wanting to go to. Due to her age 65 at the time and how she made me sound her therapist got child and adult protective services involved. Both cases were closed as nothing was going on other than my severe depression over the death of my son. The child abuse worker said we can get you counseling would you accept it? I said yes I would but if it's far away I may cancel appointments because I never know how destroyed I am 1 day to the next. She said oh don't worry we have 1 that comes to your house I'll get it all set up. I thought FINALLY I can get help. She called me about a week later to let me know- I'm so sorry. Because you have insurance you cannot participate in the counseling program I was trying to get you in. She said she had her office calling everywhere they could and agreed- no where takes my insurance. She also said you can't even participate in the sliding scale fee places because you are insured. I am so sorry but it is for sure a for profit business.
I can't afford to pay full out of pocket. I know they will want to see me more than once a month. I can't really afford once a month. My primary care doc has been dealing with my depression. I am truly lucky to have an amazing pri care. He talks to me and I am comfortable telling him things. He has had me on at least 8 anti depressants and many different sleeping pills. He's tried the best he could. If I had access to a therapist I might be able to get the proper medications, assistance to find a way to get out of the dark place I have been in since my son died. Find a way to rebuild my relationship with my younger son and not necessarily live happily but live with less pain. You bet when I CTB I will have an email out to local news about the inability to get help. Bring attention to these money whores that force people to CTB due to not being able to get help.
