I am one of those people who need to describe their experience as having AD(H)D and also Autism; being "neurodivergent" basically. The term "Aspbergers" may also fit; if you look at the social awkwardness and how weirdly I walk and my Dyspraxia. Although I am not sure if those terms truly capture this hellish experience adequately. At least it doesn't for me, perhaps the way I grew up and my current life situation add to me being regularly suicidal. The things that keep me here are my parents (I don't want to hurt them), a sliver of hope that I get at least of my current autistic burn out and that my life circumstances somehow magically change.
The worst thing about my condition is SPS (Sensory Processing Disorder) which just makes life literal hell at times. When the world is just too much. And so confusing. And so fear-inducing. Regularly. Every day. And just painful. But also that you lag behind everything, and need extra time. That you are constantly tired and can only do like 3 tasks a day and you're done, while consistently being confused and distracted by your own mind or other things. Writing this here will be the task of my day because I spend a lot of time ruminating about suicide; it is almost an autistic special interest a this point (as is Death generally, and "Consciousness").
I suppose you could also diagnose me with additional shit. I have a plethora of mental health diagnoses because doctors couldn't see my autism as I was masking it. Got bullied as a kid. Also grew up poor. I suspect that I am either high IQ or just very crazy, because I am not sure how I survived thus far. And I am tired of surviving, but also not brave enough to go yet either. I do not feel I have enough knowledge about how to do it properly and I struggle to collect it due to my disabilities.
I can't even trust that death will be peaceful considering that the brain chemistry, the nervous system and basically A LOT of things about the body are so different. Much of which I (yet?) don't even understand and most people also don't care about. Not even doctors. Everybody expects a "look" to Autism, lol.
I wish I had been born normal. For me it is predominantly a disability. And I am mad and bitter and sad about needing to suffer so much. You can't even suggest curing autism without being labelled ableist. But it's only natural that, with so much suffering, you either long for death or a cure. At least I do, other autistics mileage may differ. But I know we all struggle, and at this point I don't even believe that this experience would be any less hellish if we would be accomodated properly. It stays being a confusing, and often very painful experience. It's like your nervous system is laid bare to receive everything directly. Idk how to cope with that.
I am 29 now. I am glad many autistic people can lead fulfilling lives. I can't seem to see the same for me, and I don't know how long I can endure staying here. Reality should be different. I understand why religions are so seductive; I can't believe in any of them. I just want to stop existing; even better would be I had never existed.
The worst thing about my condition is SPS (Sensory Processing Disorder) which just makes life literal hell at times. When the world is just too much. And so confusing. And so fear-inducing. Regularly. Every day. And just painful. But also that you lag behind everything, and need extra time. That you are constantly tired and can only do like 3 tasks a day and you're done, while consistently being confused and distracted by your own mind or other things. Writing this here will be the task of my day because I spend a lot of time ruminating about suicide; it is almost an autistic special interest a this point (as is Death generally, and "Consciousness").
I suppose you could also diagnose me with additional shit. I have a plethora of mental health diagnoses because doctors couldn't see my autism as I was masking it. Got bullied as a kid. Also grew up poor. I suspect that I am either high IQ or just very crazy, because I am not sure how I survived thus far. And I am tired of surviving, but also not brave enough to go yet either. I do not feel I have enough knowledge about how to do it properly and I struggle to collect it due to my disabilities.
I can't even trust that death will be peaceful considering that the brain chemistry, the nervous system and basically A LOT of things about the body are so different. Much of which I (yet?) don't even understand and most people also don't care about. Not even doctors. Everybody expects a "look" to Autism, lol.
I wish I had been born normal. For me it is predominantly a disability. And I am mad and bitter and sad about needing to suffer so much. You can't even suggest curing autism without being labelled ableist. But it's only natural that, with so much suffering, you either long for death or a cure. At least I do, other autistics mileage may differ. But I know we all struggle, and at this point I don't even believe that this experience would be any less hellish if we would be accomodated properly. It stays being a confusing, and often very painful experience. It's like your nervous system is laid bare to receive everything directly. Idk how to cope with that.
I am 29 now. I am glad many autistic people can lead fulfilling lives. I can't seem to see the same for me, and I don't know how long I can endure staying here. Reality should be different. I understand why religions are so seductive; I can't believe in any of them. I just want to stop existing; even better would be I had never existed.
