I am thinking of just doing it

[Water-Lily]

Yesterday when talking about my trauma, I had a trauma like panic attack. I was desperately trying to come up with a suicide plan to escape but, that didn't work
Yesterday I had a panic attack when trying to establish a boundary which left me fumbling like an idiot for 10 minuets when people waited on me to say something
I had another panic attack last week where I could not breathe and it hurt to breathe
Reminding me that my trauma had left me defected
No matter how much therapy I do or meds I take, I will never heal
My abusers voice and trauma will alway hurt me as I get older
I can't live or cope like this, and the only reasonable thing I can do I kill myself
I am hitting a dangerous low where I am not only self sabotaging but I am also looking up methods
I need to end my life
I can't live a life of trauma
I hate to say this but, in a fucked up way, my abusers pushed me to this level
But I can at least give myself a sense of love
Death
I can finally escape my pain
23 years isn't long but its better than me suffering till I'm 50

 

[boc]

Your body your choice. Don't rush to find an exit. Try and slow down and see if it's the right decision for you.

 

[Water-Lily]

Your body your choice. Don't rush to find an exit. Try and slow down and see if it's the right decision for you.

Right now I am just looking at other methods. I don't want to keep living gin hell, but I do not want to die either

 

[Wrennie]

Yesterday when talking about my trauma, I had a trauma like panic attack. I was desperately trying to come up with a suicide plan to escape but, that didn't work
Yesterday I had a panic attack when trying to establish a boundary which left me fumbling like an idiot for 10 minuets when people waited on me to say something
I had another panic attack last week where I could not breathe and it hurt to breathe
Reminding me that my trauma had left me defected
No matter how much therapy I do or meds I take, I will never heal
My abusers voice and trauma will alway hurt me as I get older
I can't live or cope like this, and the only reasonable thing I can do I kill myself
I am hitting a dangerous low where I am not only self sabotaging but I am also looking up methods
I need to end my life
I can't live a life of trauma
I hate to say this but, in a fucked up way, my abusers pushed me to this level
But I can at least give myself a sense of love
Death
I can finally escape my pain
23 years isn't long but its better than me suffering till I'm 50

I am exactly the same way. I still feel the aftereffects of my trauma and no matter how much time passes it never seems to diminish in its severity. It's always at the forefront of my mind. So I don't blame you at all for wanting to escape from the pain via the only means you know how. For us trauma sufferers, death is our only salvation. I know they constantly publish news articles about "survivors" and how they were able to overcome everything that happened to them, but those are the minority, and the vast majority of us just want to be released from our perpetual torment.

 

[Water-Lily]

I am exactly the same way. I still feel the aftereffects of my trauma and no matter how much time passes it never seems to diminish in its severity. It's always at the forefront of my mind. So I don't blame you at all for wanting to escape from the pain via the only means you know how. For us trauma sufferers, death is our only salvation. I know they constantly publish news articles about "survivors" and how they were able to overcome everything that happened to them, but those are the minority and the vast majority of us just want to be released from our perpetual torment.

Agreed. If a person can survive and live a peaceful life in spite the arduous journey, then good for them. However not everyone can do that. And that's ok too. Not everyone has to ba a "survivor". What if "surviving" is what is killing you? Death should be an option

My issue, is that I know I don't want to die. I don't want death. I think I do, I convince myself everyday but deep down I do not want this. But if I don't die I will live a life of constant pain and panic attacks and abuse. And that's it own form of hell too. I don't know what to do anymore...

 

[Wrennie]

Agreed. If a person can survive and live a peaceful life in spite the arduous journey, then good for them. However not everyone can do that. And that's ok too. Not everyone has to ba a "survivor". What if "surviving" is what is killing you? Death should be an option

My issue, is that I know I don't want to die. I don't want death. I think I do, I convince myself everyday but deep down I do not want this. But if I don't die I will live a life of constant pain and panic attacks and abuse. And that's it own form of hell too. I don't know what to do anymore...

I desperately wish I could live too. I keep trying to convince myself that it's worth it to hold out for another day, but as soon as I wake up the pain reappears and I automatically start yearning for death again. It's a seemingly endless cycle. I truly hope you're able to break free from it.

 

[Water-Lily]

I desperately wish I could live too. I keep trying to convince myself that it's worth it to hold out for another day, but as soon as I wake up the pain reappears and I automatically start yearning for death again. It's an endless cycle. I truly hope you're able to break free from it.

At this point, I am a husk. It is pitiful that I cannot just up and die. I cannot live without mental pain. Are people like us doomed? Will we never get better? I know that is something you and everyone else cannot answer. I am just feeling hopeless.

 

[heretogethelp]

At this point, I am a husk. It is pitiful that I cannot just up and die. I cannot live without mental pain. Are people like us doomed? Will we never get better? I know that is something you and everyone else cannot answer. I am just feeling hopeless.

I understand where you are coming from, Mew.

 

[Wrennie]

At this point, I am a husk. It is pitiful that I cannot just up and die. I cannot live without mental pain. Are people like us doomed? Will we never get better? I know that is something you and everyone else cannot answer. I am just feeling hopeless.

The mental health 'industry' is so primitive. I know that nowadays we cringe at the horror of lobotomy, but the modern day practices really aren't much of an improvement. My experiences in psych wards are a prime contributor to my reasoning for wanting to die.
When people like us ask for help, it's like it serves to put a nail in the coffin.

 

[Water-Lily]

The mental health 'industry' is so primitive. I know nowadays we cringe at the horror of lobotomy, but modern day practices really aren't much better. My experiences in psych wards are a prime contributor to my reasoning for wanting to die.

My psych ward experince was creepy. Some of the patients were real nasty guys. The staff also looked down on us. However, it really wasn't so bad compared to other stories I have heard. I am glad we had a nice group therapist and I bonded with a few female patients. I also have an awesome therapist. As in I can talk about my suicidlaity so much and she does not section me. But I know she would be devastated if I died. We have built up such a good bond, almost like a mother daughter feel which I needed after my mom died. She was there and still is.

If I died I know I would pass on some pain to her and other people. I am just not strong enough to live for others when I can't live for myself.

 

[WornOutLife]

Sorry you're going through this, dear.
You know you can always talk to me.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really can be so cruel. Our minds can torture us and there is only so much pain that we can cope with. I wish you peace if this is what you want, death what I want too, as it is freedom from this cruel world. No one here deserves the suffering that this life has given them.

 

[Bullit]

I read your story Wrennie . it is very sad and frightening. I have fears of ending up under the care of a hospital! And me alone in life!! Wish I could just ctb today.