Venting I am still alive, but I don’t want to be.

[princeseadove]

I don't really know what to do. I'm still alive, here and breathing. And I do not want to. I am still pretty young, about to graduate, but having exams, forced to be someone proper for once, and living? It's all such a fucking bother. I'm in pain. I just attempted like a few minutes ago but no go. And I feel like having a panic attack all over again. Realizing how much hurt, and gutted I really fucking am. And so many people in my life right now are expecting me to drop dead too so what the actual fuck.

I don't want to do my exams, apply for colleges, to study, to work, to get bullied, to face hurt and betrayal and lonesome. But I can't seem to just fucking drop dead! Partial hanging is my method but it's not working on me, so what am I meant to do?

I told a friend I was dying today. And he said how he still hopes to see me in the morning, and he could die if I do. But it's like. I don't want to! I don't want to be here! What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to die?

I'm going through waves of certainty and uncertainty, and I feel ng hypersexuality and lack of passion coming back. My psychosis has been horrible as well. I cannot live. I already said I was going to die. I feel like a total failure. I can't even get good enough grades, or noticed at all. Why cant I just die? I'm so so sick of this. An hour after I post this I'm trying again. I can't live past tomorrow.
——
It's also of note how, people straight up don't care about me. My elders or whatever have abandoned me or straight up dont care, they keep on ruining me. My counselor (omfg my COUNSELOR.) is a total bitch who has ruined me so fucking bad last year, that now I don't even know what to do fucking do with myself. I have this weird thing (neurodivergencey) where people just straight up dont like me from the get go, and treat me like fucking shit. And nobody does anything about it, absolutely nobody. I'm on break, but I'll know I won't be able to handle school once I'm out. Fuck this.

I am not understood, I am not loved, I need to die lord I need to die I am fucking PRAYING tonight is the night I do die.

But I'm also so fucking scared to. Apart of me wants to recover, but what's even the point??

 

[Another Path]

I know the feeling of desperately craving death, and to feel like going insane.
Any good person, including me, your friend, and your parents would be relieved if you were still there tomorrow.
I don't want you to suffer like this. To attempt ctb like this can only cause more suffering.
There are still so many ways for recovering, coping, and growing you can try. There is still so much awe, beauty, love, compassion, and other wonderful experiences for you to enjoy.

We all know great suffering here. You are not alone, and you don't have to die.

 

[citrusrope]

It's also of note how, people straight up don't care about me. My elders or whatever have abandoned me or straight up dont care, they keep on ruining me. My counselor (omfg my COUNSELOR.) is a total bitch who has ruined me so fucking bad last year, that now I don't even know what to do fucking do with myself. I have this weird thing (neurodivergencey) where people just straight up dont like me from the get go, and treat me like fucking shit. And nobody does anything about it, absolutely nobody. I'm on break, but I'll know I won't be able to handle school once I'm out. Fuck this.

I am not understood, I am not loved, I need to die lord I need to die I am fucking PRAYING tonight is the night I do die.

But I'm also so fucking scared to. Apart of me wants to recover, but what's even the point??

Life is already hard enough so when on top of that, the people who are supposed to care for you don't, it feels mega fucking lonely and shitty. Not to mention the soul-sucking isolation you get for being neurodivergent, is so hard to cope with. I'm sorry that the people around you failed you, it is not unnatural at all that you feel the way you do. It makes me resent how humans are supposed to be social creatures, and sometimes there's inevitably people who are starving from meaningful and supportive connection. I know it's not much but I understand you.

 

[princeseadove]

I know the feeling of desperately craving death, and to feel like going insane.
Any good person, including me, your friend, and your parents would be relieved if you were still there tomorrow.
I don't want you to suffer like this. To attempt ctb like this can only cause more suffering.
There are still so many ways for recovering, coping, and growing you can try. There is still so much awe, beauty, love, compassion, and other wonderful experiences for you to enjoy.

We all know great suffering here. You are not alone, and you don't have to die.

I think I'm just overwhelmed. With school, and my creative work, and relationships, it's all so very difficult, and nobody understands and people are so cruel. I want to recover and grow, but I also just want to rest. I want to do thibgs effortlessly but I just can't.

Life is already hard enough so when on top of that, the people who are supposed to care for you don't, it feels mega fucking lonely and shitty. Not to mention the soul-sucking isolation you get for being neurodivergent, is so hard to cope with. I'm sorry that the people around you failed you, it is not unnatural at all that you feel the way you do. It makes me resent how humans are supposed to be social creatures, and sometimes there's inevitably people who are starving from meaningful and supportive connection. I know it's not much but I understand you.

Being neurodivergent has definitely impacted my life in so many ways, and it's just so sucky. Especially when other neurodivergent people don't understand your struggles because you are just so different. The want to isolate myself but also still want to interact with others kills me everytime. Thank you for this comment, it makes me feel less alone