Venting I am so scared

[onemoreday]

So, I guess I have just failed my first suicide "attempt" (if you could even call it that) and I feel absolutely miserable.

I have spent literal months preparing for my death. I was even decent enough to clean out my stuff and leave behind detailed instructions regarding bureaucratic manners. I was dead set (pun intended) on finally dying today and making it as little complicated as possible for my family. But I couldn't do it.

I set everything up nicely, but when I got to the point where I was supposed to pull my exit bag down, I guess my SI kicked. I wondered how quickly I would lose my consciousness and what would then happen to my mind. I firmly believe that there is no afterlife or anything. I think being dead will be/feel just like the time before I was alive, peaceful and undisturbed. I have no doubts in that belief, but still, all I could think in that moment was "I'm so scared" because I simply don't know what exactly was going to happen, and I guess that uncertainty paralyzed me.

I deliberated stopping the flow for a minute or trying again but I knew that I had to keep going now if I wanted to succeed at all. I need to be strict with myself, otherwise I would just keep on making excuses until the end of time.
After sitting there for a minute or two, I gave up and turned everything off. I broke down crying (even though I promised myself not to cry today). I am so angry at myself for being so weak and indulging myself in that weakness.

Now I'm back to square one. I don't even know which is worse: all the time I wasted on my preparations or the fact that no one is even going to know about my failed attempt.

I am so tired. I don't want to go through all the trouble that involves living and then erasing my existence again. Apparently, I'm too dumb to live but also too scared to die, and I hate how I fall into such a stupid cliché. Right now, I feel like the only thing I can or should do is to simply lie in bed and sleep until I die of old age. I don't even want to think or dream anymore. I don't want to live, die or be dead; I only wish I had never existed at all.

 

[Umbrellaterm]

You still have hope. It's not SI.

You don't seem to know what the definition of SI is.

The jews that were gassed in the death chambers experienced SI when they were slowly dying together with a couple hundred other prisoners.

 

[sadworld]

You still have hope. It's not SI.

You don't seem to know what the definition of SI is.

The jews that were gassed in the death chambers experienced SI when they were slowly dying together with a couple hundred other prisoners.

It's also SI. Your mind says "death is scary" = SI. But later you feel bad that you didn't went through with it.

 

[Umbrellaterm]

It's also SI. Your mind says "death is scary" = SI. But later you feel bad that you didn't went through with it.

I've told you several times before, no it's not SI.
It's hope. False hope if you ask me.

How many times do I need to make myself clear enough for you? It's tiring.

You need to separate SI from hope and from your will to live.

 

[sadworld]

I've told you several times before, no it's not SI.
It's hope.

How many times do I need to make myself clear enough for you? It's tiring.

Show me the definition of SI please. It's not hope when you don't have any hope and it's only when you're about to ctb.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much emotional pain. Please do remember that there is no shame in changing your mind. Once again, it's a cliché, but when it's time for you to ctb, you will know yourself. The bus will always be there if you ever want to catch it (if at all), it's for you and only you.

In the mean time, if you need someone to listen to you venting, we are here. Hope you feel at ease soon. Sending you virtual hugs.

 

[sadworld]

That's because your real intent becomes clear once the action of actually killing yourself becomes reality.

I know that you in particular is very afraid of death in that is partly why you keep arguing with this FYI.

I'm sorry, you don't even know me. Don't act like you do and stop bothering me. This will be my last words with you. Thank you.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I've told you several times before, no it's not SI.
It's hope. False hope if you ask me.

How many times do I need to make myself clear enough for you? It's tiring.

You need to separate SI from hope and from your will to live.

How rude!! SI is different for everyone, and if onemoreday felt he experienced SI, then that's what he felt!

I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself if you are going to be so self righteous!

 

[Umbrellaterm]

How rude!! SI is different for everyone, and if sad world felt he experienced SI, then that's what he felt!

I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself if you are going to be so self righteous!

SI is a universal human instinct and not different in the way you mean, for everyone.

I'm not rude. It's logic.

I'm sorry, you don't even know me. Don't act like you do and stop bothering me. This will be my last words with you. Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate you doing it because I couldn't bother.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

So, I guess I have just failed my first suicide "attempt" (if you could even call it that) and I feel absolutely miserable.

I have spent literal months preparing for my death. I was even decent enough to clean out my stuff and leave behind detailed instructions regarding bureaucratic manners. I was dead set (pun intended) on finally dying today and making it as little complicated as possible for my family. But I couldn't do it.

I set everything up nicely, but when I got to the point where I was supposed to pull my exit bag down, I guess my SI kicked. I wondered how quickly I would lose my consciousness and what would then happen to my mind. I firmly believe that there is no afterlife or anything. I think being dead will be/feel just like the time before I was alive, peaceful and undisturbed. I have no doubts in that belief, but still, all I could think in that moment was "I'm so scared" because I simply don't know what exactly was going to happen, and I guess that uncertainty paralyzed me.

I deliberated stopping the flow for a minute or trying again but I knew that I had to keep going now if I wanted to succeed at all. I need to be strict with myself, otherwise I would just keep on making excuses until the end of time.
After sitting there for a minute or two, I gave up and turned everything off. I broke down crying (even though I promised myself not to cry today). I am so angry at myself for being so weak and indulging myself in that weakness.

Now I'm back to square one. I don't even know which is worse: all the time I wasted on my preparations or the fact that no one is even going to know about my failed attempt.

I am so tired. I don't want to go through all the trouble that involves living and then erasing my existence again. Apparently, I'm too dumb to live but also too scared to die, and I hate how I fall into such a stupid cliché. Right now, I feel like the only thing I can or should do is to simply lie in bed and sleep until I die of old age. I don't even want to think or dream anymore. I don't want to live, die or be dead; I only wish I had never existed at all.

I wouldn't class this as a failed attempt onemoreday. I'd suggest it's just not your time yet.

 

[LostSoul101]

You are very strong to switch everything off when you have your exit right there in front of you! Right now, the option to go is an easy decision because you have everything you need. The decision will always be there, so it's ok. You are in a different stage than before because now you don't have to wait to gather equiptment for your method. You know the choice is always there. It's ok, take it easy and step back for a bit. The option is always there, it's up to you when you do it.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I've told you several times before, no it's not SI.
It's hope. False hope if you ask me.

How many times do I need to make myself clear enough for you? It's tiring.

You need to separate SI from hope and from your will to live.

I think this argument is driving the attention away from what OP is trying to share with others on SS. Please, if you don't feel like you can offer some comfort while someone is "venting", just don't say anything at all. If you have had something so important to say, it might be best making your own threat for such discussions. All the best.

 

[LostSoul101]

Let's not pull focus from the OP, yeah? If you're pissed at someone, send them a private message.
@onemoreday let us know how you're feeling

 

[WornOutLife]

Look at the bright side, you said no one knows about your failed attempt right?
Trust me, that's good news. All my family, friends and people who know me, know that I tried to CTB and treat me differently. (neither positively nor negatively. It's strange.)
However, life is hell because I'm being monitored 24/7, don't live alone anymore, and can't even buy a beer.

Also, I felt that "fear" when I was about to die. I believe there's nothingness too but I'm scared of just...my body and mind dying.

 

[HelloHell]

you're not weak for changing your mind. it's just not your time yet. it's ok to back out when you have doubts. when the right time comes, you'll know

 

[pole]

i'm sorry to hear about what your through OP.

also, for other members, please refrain from arguing within the thread. responses should be positive and looking to help OP and far from argumentative, especially since this isnt anyones thread to derail.

anyone stirring up arguments or attempting to derail the thread and shift focus from OP to any conflict will be given a warning.

hope you feel better and find peace OP.

 

[sadworld]

OP I think it might not be your time. You know, I had the same thing happening to me and I felt like I haven't made peace with dying. I think we all know when it's our time to go and you will know aswell! I hope you feel better soon. Hugs

 

[Disco Biscuit]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and all the things that have led you to this moment.

You were pretty smart and resourceful to get the exit bag together. It's one of the most peaceful methods going and it will still be there when you decide that it's your time.

You have a peaceful death happening sometime in your future. You have choice. Use this reassuring fact to be kind and gentle to yourself in the now, knowing everything is going to be ok in the end.

 

[HenryHobkins]

SI is a universal human instinct and not different in the way you mean, for everyone.

I'm not rude. It's logic.

Thank you. I appreciate you doing it because I couldn't bother.

If its a universal human instinct how can you initially say they're not experiencing it when they are literally in the process of ending their life via exitbag. Stay on track. You're making an incredible amount of assumptions here, both that the OP has hope, isnt experiencing SI and that any hope they potentially have is actually false hope which wow thats validating their self destructive intentions. Dont be a dick, your comments here are inappropriate on this thread.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

You still have hope. It's not SI.

You don't seem to know what the definition of SI is.

The jews that were gassed in the death chambers experienced SI when they were slowly dying together with a couple hundred other prisoners.

I don't think this is SI but it's not hope either, hope would be "there is still stuff I wanna live for" rather than general existential fears around dying.

Sorry for your experience OP, you're really strong for getting this far and I do hope things go well for you whatever you decide to do.

 

[royalfuzz]

I've tried before, I was like you and had everything ready and I was like you and when it came to it I just couldn't do it. Even though I know I need to do it before my body degenerates so much I won't physically still be able. But you know what? When I failed something happened within the week after that tied up a loose end that had been bugging me. I got an answer I already thought I would never get and I was so happy to have had it.
So what I'm trying to say is, yes you failed but maybe there's a reason behind it. You're not weak and you're not a lesser person. You're human and something stopped you. I always believe in my gut instinct and I think yours was probably right for now.

 

[maybepossiblyithink]

I had a panic attack so bad that I could barely move after I planned to try.
I vented about it here, too, but people got the wrong idea. It sucked.

either way, I feel for you. I kind of get it. I'm sorry

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry you went through this OP. SI can present itself in many ways, and often is an indicator is just not quite time yet. Go easy on yourself and give yourself a bit of time to process what happened. Try to do something extra nice for yourself to make yourself feel better, and remember the bus will always be there later if you want or need it. it's always OK to wait till a later time, and it's always OK to change your mind entirely. It's not an easy process or an easy journey.

 

[yetme]

So, I guess I have just failed my first suicide "attempt" (if you could even call it that) and I feel absolutely miserable.

I have spent literal months preparing for my death. I was even decent enough to clean out my stuff and leave behind detailed instructions regarding bureaucratic manners. I was dead set (pun intended) on finally dying today and making it as little complicated as possible for my family. But I couldn't do it.

I set everything up nicely, but when I got to the point where I was supposed to pull my exit bag down, I guess my SI kicked. I wondered how quickly I would lose my consciousness and what would then happen to my mind. I firmly believe that there is no afterlife or anything. I think being dead will be/feel just like the time before I was alive, peaceful and undisturbed. I have no doubts in that belief, but still, all I could think in that moment was "I'm so scared" because I simply don't know what exactly was going to happen, and I guess that uncertainty paralyzed me.

I deliberated stopping the flow for a minute or trying again but I knew that I had to keep going now if I wanted to succeed at all. I need to be strict with myself, otherwise I would just keep on making excuses until the end of time.
After sitting there for a minute or two, I gave up and turned everything off. I broke down crying (even though I promised myself not to cry today). I am so angry at myself for being so weak and indulging myself in that weakness.

Now I'm back to square one. I don't even know which is worse: all the time I wasted on my preparations or the fact that no one is even going to know about my failed attempt.

I am so tired. I don't want to go through all the trouble that involves living and then erasing my existence again. Apparently, I'm too dumb to live but also too scared to die, and I hate how I fall into such a stupid cliché. Right now, I feel like the only thing I can or should do is to simply lie in bed and sleep until I die of old age. I don't even want to think or dream anymore. I don't want to live, die or be dead; I only wish I had never existed at all.

Oh man, I feel for you...
That's exactly what I m going through.
I have nitrogen setup read, I m trying to get a grip that I cease to exist. The bag freaks me out.

 

[onemoreday]

First of all, thank you all for your replies. I have read them all and your kind words are very much appreciated.

I'm sorry I caused an argument about whether or not what I experienced counts as SI. You're all free to call it whatever you want, of course. Maybe it'd be easier for me to dismiss it as simple fear or panic that I must learn to overcome.

I'm feeling somewhat better now, but only because I've been distracting myself with useless nonsense and hiding from the world again.

My outlook on life has not changed a single bit. I'm still convinced that death is my only option and I will ultimately attain peace by dying. I held onto that belief even during my previous breakdown, so I don't think that my suicidality is a mere "cry for help/attention".

But I guess fantasizing about dying and actually doing it are two entirely different things that evoke completely different emotions (which I should have known, really).

I usually find peace and solace in knowing/assuming that my consciousness will simply fade away and I won't ever have to worry about anything again. The uncertainty of what happens after death didn't really bother me at first. If anything, it made me more curious to find out.
However, when I was faced with that scenario and only seconds away from passing out (forever), I was suddenly scared of losing my ability to think. I couldn't imagine not at least being somewhat conscious of my surroundings or my being anymore. I would have probably been a lot calmer if I was convinced that I would spend eternity in a dream-like state or something after dying. But since only nothingness -- something I can't possibly fathom as a being that lives and thinks -- seems logical to me, I can't lie to myself about this. So, I guess I overreacted and panicked because I literally couldn't imagine what was about to happen to me and that sort of "broke" my mind, haha.

Now, here's my new problem: Now that I've seen much of a coward I am, I'm scared to try and fail again (I want to try again, though, and I have to). I gave in to my fears once and proved to myself that turning back was an option. I think my brain is now used to getting away with taking the easy way out, so my next attempt will surely not be any easier.

I guess I will now try to figure out how to overcome my irrational fear. If anyone has any advice on how to do that, I would greatly appreciate your help.

I was thinking that I may have to simply "get used" to passing out/the feeling of being passed out (since that has actually never happened to me before). So should I maybe try inhaling only a few breaths of my inert gas? I could either wake up a few minutes later with some deeper knowledge or I could actually die, which would be even better. Could it be that the finality of pulling down my exit bag was what caused me to panick? In that case, might I be able to "trick" my brain into suppressing that reaction if I "only experimented" a bit since that only involves the risk of dying?

 

[darksideofthebright]

I guess I will now try to figure out how to overcome my irrational fear. If anyone has any advice on how to do that, I would greatly appreciate your help.

Personally, I have not had a great deal of knowledge on inert gas, so I can't really advise on that; plus you seem to have had a lot of preparation and equipments, so I'm more or less certain you understand how lethal and painless this method can be.

In terms of fear, it is absolutely a normal thing to have. In your case, I don't necessarily think it's irrational at all. You mentioned the fear of the inability to think afterwards. Just my perspective, but if you lose the ability to think, you probably will not even know that anymore, so that can be either braindead or vegetative state, which in a way, won't affect you anymore. Whether you end up dead or or in the vegetative state, it will still impact the livings anyway, so I don't think it really matters here. It might be worth thinking about making a "living will" (I think that's what it's called), so in case you end up braindead or vegetative, what you want your next-of-kin to do. That will give you some sorts of reassurance, I genuinely hope.

Otherwise, if you feel like there is any other hidden fear, why don't you try to do a mind-map, with your current issue in the middle, and branch out. You MIGHT (I can't guarantee) find out about any other fears that are hidden. Just my suggestion, and I hope you can find the peace you deserve. If you ever need to vent, we are here for you.

 

[Ghost2211]

First of all, thank you all for your replies. I have read them all and your kind words are very much appreciated.

I'm sorry I caused an argument about whether or not what I experienced counts as SI. You're all free to call it whatever you want, of course. Maybe it'd be easier for me to dismiss it as simple fear or panic that I must learn to overcome.

I'm feeling somewhat better now, but only because I've been distracting myself with useless nonsense and hiding from the world again.

My outlook on life has not changed a single bit. I'm still convinced that death is my only option and I will ultimately attain peace by dying. I held onto that belief even during my previous breakdown, so I don't think that my suicidality is a mere "cry for help/attention".

But I guess fantasizing about dying and actually doing it are two entirely different things that evoke completely different emotions (which I should have known, really).

I usually find peace and solace in knowing/assuming that my consciousness will simply fade away and I won't ever have to worry about anything again. The uncertainty of what happens after death didn't really bother me at first. If anything, it made me more curious to find out.
However, when I was faced with that scenario and only seconds away from passing out (forever), I was suddenly scared of losing my ability to think. I couldn't imagine not at least being somewhat conscious of my surroundings or my being anymore. I would have probably been a lot calmer if I was convinced that I would spend eternity in a dream-like state or something after dying. But since only nothingness -- something I can't possibly fathom as a being that lives and thinks -- seems logical to me, I can't lie to myself about this. So, I guess I overreacted and panicked because I literally couldn't imagine what was about to happen to me and that sort of "broke" my mind, haha.

Now, here's my new problem: Now that I've seen much of a coward I am, I'm scared to try and fail again (I want to try again, though, and I have to). I gave in to my fears once and proved to myself that turning back was an option. I think my brain is now used to getting away with taking the easy way out, so my next attempt will surely not be any easier.

I guess I will now try to figure out how to overcome my irrational fear. If anyone has any advice on how to do that, I would greatly appreciate your help.

I was thinking that I may have to simply "get used" to passing out/the feeling of being passed out (since that has actually never happened to me before). So should I maybe try inhaling only a few breaths of my inert gas? I could either wake up a few minutes later with some deeper knowledge or I could actually die, which would be even better. Could it be that the finality of pulling down my exit bag was what caused me to panick? In that case, might I be able to "trick" my brain into suppressing that reaction if I "only experimented" a bit since that only involves the risk of dying?

Is it possible that the concept of the exit bag is frightening you? I know that pulling a bag over my head would frighten me even if I could intellectualize the fact that it was going to deliver gas that would make me go to sleep peacefully.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Oh, onemoreday, I'm so sorry. I have been in that place and it's just as hard as any another experience on this crazy rollercoaster.

My guess is that there is something else you have to do before you go. You might not even know what it is, and that's okay. I could also be wrong, and that's okay, too.

I don't believe in life after this one, but if there is a heaven, I know I'm headed there. Doesn't matter how, I just know.

Since you have your means, you can catch that bus anytime you wish. That may be what you need right now - just that knowledge of means at your disposal. I know that it helps me to have mine ready for when I need them.

Don't pay any attention to assholes here, and try not to beat yourself up over today. There is plenty of support here and lots of people who have been right where you are. It's okay.

 

[onemoreday]

Is it possible that the concept of the exit bag is frightening you? I know that pulling a bag over my head would frighten me even if I could intellectualize the fact that it was going to deliver gas that would make me go to sleep peacefully.

I don't think the bag itself is the issue. During my preparations, I've pulled it over my head plenty of times and it never made me feel claustrophobic or otherwise uncomfortable. I have no doubts about the peacefulness of this method, either.

Otherwise, if you feel like there is any other hidden fear, why don't you try to do a mind-map, with your current issue in the middle, and branch out. You MIGHT (I can't guarantee) find out about any other fears that are hidden. Just my suggestion, and I hope you can find the peace you deserve. If you ever need to vent, we are here for you.

I will try doing that. It might helpt me get to the bottom of my fear, and then I can look for a better way to overcome it. Maybe I just haven't fully come to terms with the (non-)feeling of non-existence yet.

My guess is that there is something else you have to do before you go.

Oh, geez, I actually hope there isn't, haha. At least I can't think of anything. I put together a to-do list on what I needed to take care of months ago and I checked every single item off. There shouldn't be any technical or personal difficulties surrounding my death. But if what you described is a common occurence, should I look more into that? Maybe there's, like, a list of common things people feel like they need to do before leaving this world for good?