collidedsigns
Scholar of despair and anguish
- Nov 22, 2025
- 44
Hey all,
I used to feel so guilty about wanting to ctb. I tortured myself about how horrible I was to leave people and how I'd be passing my pain onto others. When I was younger I didn't necessarily want to die I just wanted everything to stop.
However I'm not a child anymore. I'm a grown adult who frankly doesn't care who misses me. Yes it would cause people grief and hurt but no amount of grief can compare to the endless numbness and suffering I am dealing with on a daily basis. I don't feel any guilt or shame. I just wanted to die on my own terms. I have become nothing more than an emotionless shell. Everything I do even being in a psych ward is a chore. Waking up, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, eating, talking to others. It's all just me forcing myself to do the things I expect people would want me to do, none of it really matters to me.
I just need to find a way out. I've been in psych for 7 weeks today and to be honest the nurses barely notice me anymore. The consultant won't let me leave until I'm allocated a social worker so honestly I could be here well into February maybe longer. I just want a way out. I'm willing to do anything. I don't care about the pain, I don't care if it is messy. As long as I'm dead by the end of it then I'll do it.
I'm so exhausted of waking up everyday hoping things are different. They never are. Even if they were this endless numbing ache will come back. It always does. I'm sick of waiting for it to catch up with me. Trying to survive it only for it to destroy me all over again. I'm done.
I used to feel so guilty about wanting to ctb. I tortured myself about how horrible I was to leave people and how I'd be passing my pain onto others. When I was younger I didn't necessarily want to die I just wanted everything to stop.
However I'm not a child anymore. I'm a grown adult who frankly doesn't care who misses me. Yes it would cause people grief and hurt but no amount of grief can compare to the endless numbness and suffering I am dealing with on a daily basis. I don't feel any guilt or shame. I just wanted to die on my own terms. I have become nothing more than an emotionless shell. Everything I do even being in a psych ward is a chore. Waking up, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, eating, talking to others. It's all just me forcing myself to do the things I expect people would want me to do, none of it really matters to me.
I just need to find a way out. I've been in psych for 7 weeks today and to be honest the nurses barely notice me anymore. The consultant won't let me leave until I'm allocated a social worker so honestly I could be here well into February maybe longer. I just want a way out. I'm willing to do anything. I don't care about the pain, I don't care if it is messy. As long as I'm dead by the end of it then I'll do it.
I'm so exhausted of waking up everyday hoping things are different. They never are. Even if they were this endless numbing ache will come back. It always does. I'm sick of waiting for it to catch up with me. Trying to survive it only for it to destroy me all over again. I'm done.
