I am so....fucking....selfish

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I am going to try and be reasonable. I am crying and I don't always get down my feelings well when I am like this. But I can't keep it in longer so....here goes

I have been reflecting on my life and how.....I ruined myself out of opportnunity to make friends. I would always judge people from a distance and assume that they are "happier/prettier/smarter" than I am. And would use it as an excuse to fuel my depression and stay in my sucidal thoughts. Instead of taking the time to know the people around me, such as my roommates, I instead assumed they hated me while I envied how close they were. They never hated me. They actively wanted to get to know me. but my selfish stupid idiot self pushed them away because I was so comfortable in my darkness. I didnt want to know anyone out of fear of being hurt, hurting someone, or learning that they were in some way better than me

Ugh.....I am such a shitty person. I feel like I deserve to die for my shittiness. People like me aren't good friends. I am a selfish retard and I should run away from everyone....nobosy needs me and its too late me for to start over because I pushed away everyone

I want to die.....I want to CTB so badly but I aim too chicken to do that...

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Truly selfish people don't care about being selfish because they are not concerned with how they impact others tbh. You're not selfish. It's clear that you struggle with low self esteem and feel hated by people at times even when they have shown no hatred towards you. I beat myself up over the same thing a lot because I realize that I have pushed a lot of people away by thinking that they had better lives than me and hated me when neither of those were true. It's frustrating but it isn't your fault and you're not a bad person for it.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Truly selfish people don't care about being selfish because they are not concerned with how they impact others tbh. You're not selfish. It's clear that you struggle with low self esteem and feel hated by people at times even when they have shown no hatred towards you. I beat myself up over the same thing a lot because I realize that I have pushed a lot of people away by thinking that they had better lives than me and hated me when neither of those were true. It's frustrating but it isn't your fault and you're not a bad person for it.

But like I ruined my chances at friendships and happiness....I cant go back and change things. I just wish I could die and start over in another life. I fucked up too many times

 

[somniummalum]

I feel you. Sending e-hugs rn :)

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I feel you. Sending e-hugs rn :)

Thanks. just hate myself. I ruined so many relationships and it's over for me. I wish I didnt push everyone away I deserve to die.....

 

[Deleted member 17949]

But like I ruined my chances at friendships and happiness....I cant go back and change things. I just wish I could die and start over in another life. I fucked up too many times

Buddy boyo people ruin shit constantly. No matter how great someone looks from the outside they've probably ruined a bunch of stuff over time, because life is very much a trial and error process in a lot of ways. Embrace that ruined stuff and learn from it. Granted this is way harder in practice than it sounds, but nobody lives a happy life by not ruining anything, they do it by pulling of that 'emotional stability' stuff and just learning not to care too much. You really aren't terrible.

 

[somniummalum]

Thanks. just hate myself. I ruined so many relationships and it's over for me. I wish I didnt push everyone away I deserve to die.....

there is no such thing as "deserve".
it isn't over for you. people come and go, just like opportunities come and go.

 

[snuffcore]

You don't deserve to die, and I don't think you're selfish. I know the feeling of thinking others dislike you and closing yourself off... And that's not selfishness, it's just protecting yourself from further harm because you've already gone through it. Judging people from afar is not the best, sure, but no one can blame you from being wary.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Buddy boyo people ruin shit constantly. No matter how great someone looks from the outside they've probably ruined a bunch of stuff over time, because life is very much a trial and error process in a lot of ways. Embrace that ruined stuff and learn from it. Granted this is way harder in practice than it sounds, but nobody lives a happy life by not ruining anything, they do it by pulling of that 'emotional stability' stuff and just learning not to care too much. You really aren't terrible.

Where can I try? I fucked up my college career and made no friends in it.....ugh when I get like this I have a one track mind

I dunno I just...I feel like I fi wasn't around people wouldn't have been hurt by me. The more I think about it, logically, if I die now then nobody in the future ever has to be hurt by me ever again

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Where can I try? I fucked up my college career and made no friends in it.....ugh when I get like this I have a one track mind

I dunno I just...I feel like I fi wasn't around people wouldn't have been hurt by me. The more I think about it, logically, if I die now then nobody in the future ever has to be hurt by me ever again

It's hard to give you specific advice without knowing what your situation exactly is, but I'm sure there are opportunities for you to do something in life. Also you're not a burden on other people even if you think of yourself as one. You don't have to die to make the world a better place.

 

[catsarecool]

I relate to this a lot and i know it hurts like hell but also just remember that who you were doesn't have to be who you are in the future. You can learn from your past and learn how to manage your feelings. Just because you did some things in the past you weren't proud of doesn't mean you deserve to die or be alone forever. Accepting parts of you that are hurtful and painful is part of growing and also learning how to care and appreciate yourself despite your shortcomings is important too. Sometimes pain can help us grow but you shouldn't be too harsh on yourself considering that it was behavior you did to protect yourself from being hurt again.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

I am going to try and be reasonable. I am crying and I don't always get down my feelings well when I am like this. But I can't keep it in longer so....here goes

I have been reflecting on my life and how.....I ruined myself out of opportnunity to make friends. I would always judge people from a distance and assume that they are "happier/prettier/smarter" than I am. And would use it as an excuse to fuel my depression and stay in my sucidal thoughts. Instead of taking the time to know the people around me, such as my roommates, I instead assumed they hated me while I envied how close they were. They never hated me. They actively wanted to get to know me. but my selfish stupid idiot self pushed them away because I was so comfortable in my darkness. I didnt want to know anyone out of fear of being hurt, hurting someone, or learning that they were in some way better than me

Ugh.....I am such a shitty person. I feel like I deserve to die for my shittiness. People like me aren't good friends. I am a selfish retard and I should run away from everyone....nobosy needs me and its too late me for to start over because I pushed away everyone

I want to die.....I want to CTB so badly but I aim too chicken to do that...

First, thank you for expressing this! It sounds like you just described something that I have been looking for years to find the right words for.

I have been like that too at times, sadly. Thinking that people are judging me of how unwell I am and how empty I tend to be.
Like, how bigger they are than me with their epic grades, relationships, friends they made, the parties they go to, the beach visits they make, the trips they do around the country and get to experience all that happiness overall. It's sad, but... I think you perhaps did right to feel that way towards them. They were probably shoving it in your face, who knows, but maybe, maybe at times it's okay to do so. To judge. I have tried to justify at times my actions, depressive episodes and fear of getting to be out there, but the truth is... Maybe it's just who we are. And we don't need to justify anything.

You are not shitty though, I think you were simply and genuinely doing what was the right thing for you. You felt like you wanted to feel more secure and not risk it.
It's such a strange world out there, at least you decided against opening yourself to it. Maybe it was better.
But that regret, that you feel like you could have done more, it's very persistent with a lot of people here I think. It tears you from the inside.
Perhaps the best thing to do is to try and reflect for now. Solutions, answers, wisdom... I think that may be a step for another time.
Overall, what I read, it's very meaningful though. Sometimes my mind locks itself into place and I can't properly express what I feel like that, you did well however.