I attempted at your age. Obviously failed. It's hard to say. I have lived, loved, and done a lot in those ~20 years. We are all so different. Maybe you can pull off a decent life. The last 7 years—aside from a few moments (career, sex and hopefulness of a relationship) have been terrifying and awful and are getting mostly worse. So I'd give that last 7 years up and wish I'd have gone then. I think you might need to see if you are one of the ones that can heal (enough). What do you think tho?
i recently ended what was the most significant relationship of my life, aug 22-jan 23. some great highs and lows, and overall it has left me worse than when i started, and i think it has left me some kind of asexual. not even for any good reason either; i could write more but it is really just my own self destructiveness that is why i am worse than beforehand. i really can't say either man. i know that there could be some great times ahead. but i know that there could be the worst days of my life ahead. i have lived so much already. right now i am worried about building a foundation that can get me past 40 or whatever; i feel like if you find yourself past 30 without significant skills or whatnot it just gets harder and harder to live even just a baseline life. but see? i just can't stop worrying, overthinking, self destructive tendencies. i simply have a toxic relationship with life. i am worrying about life in 30 years while i have SN in my closet. so many different paths to take, so many stories to write, so many hot baths, sunsets, warm meals, hugs i would miss, but so much mental anguish, suffering, pain, dread, fear, regret, regret, regret, shame, i would finally be free from. there is no need for happiness if there is no capacity for sadness. i think the notion of healing or recovery can sometimes be as toxic as pro-life propaganda, the belief in some idealic future state where all my problems are gone or lessened and i am comfortable just being me. i simply just can't see it, and i don't think there's anything wrong with that. the problem now is making sure i don't fail to ctb and possibly be left in a worse state, and, as much as i really hate to admit it, dealing with how much it would fuck up my family and friends. although i believe i have my own right to die i can't help but feel so bad for my family, they just won't understand that i would be better off in nonexistence. well, i do think i have a couple years left in me, or maybe ill become some kind of vagabond and fall off the grid, it seems like a good way to destroy the life i have/ hate now, experience new things, and maybe die anyways, i have really nothing to lose. fuck, uh. yeah.
