Venting I am so angry, frustrated and done (Mindless ranting)

[Ameya]

I have so many barries between me and ctb. A financial one, time, safety and luck. It makes me so angry that i have to wait SO long until I can finally finance SN. Not to mention if I even get it! I already have a time window planned to ctb, but now not even i am sure i am able to do it on time. Why is EVERYTHING in my way. Why cant things just go faster. I dont even know if SN will work or fail. I dont even know if i wont have any safety concerns. I dont even know if i wil get caught and locked away.
I cant even fufill my fucking last wish because of education

I have to keep pretending to be a normal person, be so fake around so many people. I can't fucking stand it anymore. I am already akward engouh and forcing it is just draining. I have to keep going to my education just in case my plan fails. So i at least still have something to do.
I cant even look for another method, because there are so many risks bound with it. But who fucking knows maybe i'll get desperate engouh to try other methods.

I cant do it anymore. Im getting more and more impatient everyday. I am just so done with everything.
Just for once i want things to go my way, but fucking no. It never does. I ALWAYS have a million barriers infront of it. People who have any kind of poisen with them are so privilaged.

For fucks sake.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also envy those who have a reliable poison with them right now, it certainly is a privledge to have access to such a way to cease existing, I find it so dreadful and frustrating how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for.