I am so fucking annoyed by my life. College started last week. And I am just not stable enough. The last semesters were very exhaustive. I am always very fragile and I worry all the time. The college lectures make me worry so much. I am anxious as fuck to fail exams. I have OCD related to that which forces me to study myriads of hours like a complete idiots. But I got at least good marks in exchange for that. But I recognize my life quality was way better in the time period without the lectures. It was really in a complete different dimension and I really miss this life quality already.
It just started and I am already so fucking annoyed by all of it. It is the last chance for me to get a degree. I am already older than most of the other students. I think when I collapse the next time I gonna kill myself. And when I fail to get a degree I will have to kill myself in the longterm. The likelihood to succeed is very low. I am way too fragile due to several comorbidities.
I worry all the time. The time is so insane. I think most other people would never endure all this shit. I pressure myself on an insane level. When I listen to my healthy friends about their struggles I think most people don't have a clue how it feels to be a wreck like me. My consciousness is a torturing machine and I hate the politicians in my country who want to deny me the right to die. I mean I am ready to try a lot. And God damn I already tried a lot of shit. But many want to give asssisted suicide only to terminally ill patients or make it very expensive. Honestly when I read in newspapers about the new legislature for assisted suicide laws I could either cry, get mad or puke. Often a mixture of these three. Though this thread has another purpose.
So many things trigger me in college. Like almost everything. I am so scared about my sleep rhythm it is so decisive. It can have huge detrimental effects having to wake up early. And without any shit I am this unstable that it can screw basically everything and lead to a new mania or psychosis when I don't sleep well. The whole thing is complicated. Why are you even studying when you are fragile like this? etc. I answered these questions a thousand times and I am not angry when people ask them. But always when I answer them it demonstrates me how fucking desperate my attempts are. Believe me I tried so much shit. I tried so much. I had a tiny success in college. But I think my hope is rather naive. It helps me not to get fully hopeless and helps to cope. But I don't really see a realistic way how to get a stable income. I really tried it strategically - different attempts rated with factors like risk of relapse or likelihood to maintain a living. Honestly when I think about what shit I have tried I am stunned. I think like 95% of all people would not have done the same bullshit I did.
Yesterday I was in a crowd. I am very triggerd when I am around people. I have to adapt to it once again. This time of adaption is risky and very exhaustive. I try to shield me of too many exciting impressions. I can relate to some things David Foster Wallace wrote about being isolated and watching too much content in front of a monitor. I feel most comfortable when I am doing it because noone watches me but I can watch them. But in the longterm it damages my sanity. I turn weird when I am for a too long time in this state of isolation. At least I could hide yesterday in some situations. I am eloquent and this helps to hide my akwardness sometimes. But in a certain situation I was so overwhelmed. I thought oh fuck this shit is just repeating. All this anxiety about failure, all the sick pressure probably for nothing. I doubt I am stable enough to maintain a living. These thoughts were racing through my mind in this certain situation. I saw all these faces and recognized fuck I am not one of them. I am not made for this world. Maybe I am able to write myriads of long-ass threads in a suicide forum but it is so difficult for me to connect to people in the real world. Most of the contact seems to be so superifical. I remembered the time when I am was fired. And all my energy that I put into working was completely in vain. Instead life spit me in my face and humiliated me. People were very dismissive about me I wrote a lot of threads about several incidents.
I think it is a smart choice trying to avoid suicide. In my opinion life has a certain inherent value. I could even live with a mediocre life quality. But this tormenting shit that my life consists of I cannot endure this shit. You have to imagine it. The time since I write in this forum I felt better than in the time before. I am suffering daily, have daily a lot of suicidal thoughts despite the fact this should be the time with less suffering. If I relapse and the nightmare of the past returns I cannot cope with that. Even I have reached my limit.
There are so many things that trigger me currently in college. I don't want to elaborate on details because I am scared of getting identified.
I am not only doing all this shit probably in vain. On top of that I probably get punished for it. I am extremely anxious about the current semester. It is by far the most difficult and I think I cannot cope with certain challenges. There are so many things that feel so fucking bad in my stomach. It feels so uncomfortable. I am so anxious about the relapse. Maybe it is not the worst I am doing all this struggle for nothing. In case I cannot work. This is not the worst. The way more cyncial would be that my struggle to survivie could backfire and lead to my suicide. In case I get a relapse in the new semester this will basically be it. LIfe is so cynical. And I am so fucking anxious about the extreme psychosomatic pain which accompanied the last major depressions. I cannot endure this one more time. It was agonizing torture for several months. It was traumatizing.
Thanks for reading.
It just started and I am already so fucking annoyed by all of it. It is the last chance for me to get a degree. I am already older than most of the other students. I think when I collapse the next time I gonna kill myself. And when I fail to get a degree I will have to kill myself in the longterm. The likelihood to succeed is very low. I am way too fragile due to several comorbidities.
I worry all the time. The time is so insane. I think most other people would never endure all this shit. I pressure myself on an insane level. When I listen to my healthy friends about their struggles I think most people don't have a clue how it feels to be a wreck like me. My consciousness is a torturing machine and I hate the politicians in my country who want to deny me the right to die. I mean I am ready to try a lot. And God damn I already tried a lot of shit. But many want to give asssisted suicide only to terminally ill patients or make it very expensive. Honestly when I read in newspapers about the new legislature for assisted suicide laws I could either cry, get mad or puke. Often a mixture of these three. Though this thread has another purpose.
So many things trigger me in college. Like almost everything. I am so scared about my sleep rhythm it is so decisive. It can have huge detrimental effects having to wake up early. And without any shit I am this unstable that it can screw basically everything and lead to a new mania or psychosis when I don't sleep well. The whole thing is complicated. Why are you even studying when you are fragile like this? etc. I answered these questions a thousand times and I am not angry when people ask them. But always when I answer them it demonstrates me how fucking desperate my attempts are. Believe me I tried so much shit. I tried so much. I had a tiny success in college. But I think my hope is rather naive. It helps me not to get fully hopeless and helps to cope. But I don't really see a realistic way how to get a stable income. I really tried it strategically - different attempts rated with factors like risk of relapse or likelihood to maintain a living. Honestly when I think about what shit I have tried I am stunned. I think like 95% of all people would not have done the same bullshit I did.
Yesterday I was in a crowd. I am very triggerd when I am around people. I have to adapt to it once again. This time of adaption is risky and very exhaustive. I try to shield me of too many exciting impressions. I can relate to some things David Foster Wallace wrote about being isolated and watching too much content in front of a monitor. I feel most comfortable when I am doing it because noone watches me but I can watch them. But in the longterm it damages my sanity. I turn weird when I am for a too long time in this state of isolation. At least I could hide yesterday in some situations. I am eloquent and this helps to hide my akwardness sometimes. But in a certain situation I was so overwhelmed. I thought oh fuck this shit is just repeating. All this anxiety about failure, all the sick pressure probably for nothing. I doubt I am stable enough to maintain a living. These thoughts were racing through my mind in this certain situation. I saw all these faces and recognized fuck I am not one of them. I am not made for this world. Maybe I am able to write myriads of long-ass threads in a suicide forum but it is so difficult for me to connect to people in the real world. Most of the contact seems to be so superifical. I remembered the time when I am was fired. And all my energy that I put into working was completely in vain. Instead life spit me in my face and humiliated me. People were very dismissive about me I wrote a lot of threads about several incidents.
I think it is a smart choice trying to avoid suicide. In my opinion life has a certain inherent value. I could even live with a mediocre life quality. But this tormenting shit that my life consists of I cannot endure this shit. You have to imagine it. The time since I write in this forum I felt better than in the time before. I am suffering daily, have daily a lot of suicidal thoughts despite the fact this should be the time with less suffering. If I relapse and the nightmare of the past returns I cannot cope with that. Even I have reached my limit.
There are so many things that trigger me currently in college. I don't want to elaborate on details because I am scared of getting identified.
I am not only doing all this shit probably in vain. On top of that I probably get punished for it. I am extremely anxious about the current semester. It is by far the most difficult and I think I cannot cope with certain challenges. There are so many things that feel so fucking bad in my stomach. It feels so uncomfortable. I am so anxious about the relapse. Maybe it is not the worst I am doing all this struggle for nothing. In case I cannot work. This is not the worst. The way more cyncial would be that my struggle to survivie could backfire and lead to my suicide. In case I get a relapse in the new semester this will basically be it. LIfe is so cynical. And I am so fucking anxious about the extreme psychosomatic pain which accompanied the last major depressions. I cannot endure this one more time. It was agonizing torture for several months. It was traumatizing.
Thanks for reading.
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