KudzuTrailblazer
New Member
- Sep 29, 2024
- 2
Hello, I'm fairly new to this forum, but I just want to get my emotions and feelings out. I don't really know where to put this, either NSFW or venting, so I'm putting it under venting and then putting nsfw in the title.
I'm a 20 year old college student going to a fairly good school I'm doing well in, but I've never felt content with myself. Even after I've been doing things that are supposed to make me feel better/be happier. I'm on medication and I've been switching it over and over none of which are helping and I've been in therapy for a while now. I try doing all these techniques that are supposed to make me feel good, but it all seems just futile. The only things that have helped me feel any better has been using drugs like weed since it makes me feel dumber and not like myself which I enjoy more than being me.
I'm a victim of SA and grooming. Since I was 8 I fell madly in love with a person who just used me for their own sexual needs and after I got out of that hole, I dug myself into another when I was 12-13. I started dating my most recent ex at that time and that lasted for 6 years. 6 years with a person who was simply too old for me and someone I hold a lot of spite towards now. I know they had their own issues after dropping out of high school and never getting a job, but I just held on to that one since they gave me the attention I needed. Like the previous person, my most recent ex really only needed me for pictures and photos of my body. It's humiliating to imagine the amount of CP of younger me floating around in the depths of the internet, I don't doubt that it's there and that stresses me out. I've grown to hate my own skin and body, I have days where I want to just rip off pieces of it because it's tainted. No part of me will ever be free of what I've gone through. It's completely disfigured me. I've now become horribly overweight and coupled with my own physical health issues, it's caused me to hate what is on me. For a female, I'm covered in hair due to my increased levels of testosterone with PCOS and it's always been something I've tried to cover up.
My parents are also an extreme source of spite. Growing up as a first generation American and student with Asian tiger parents is just a horrible mixture. We're from a very poor country and both my parents come from are complete slums, like I give them credit for bringing our family into a better country, but they constantly compare how good things are here to what it is back in the motherland. Even after multiple suicide attempts and diagnoses, my parents don't believe that I can have these issues since I'm living in a better country than they did even though my father has these same issues. My mother is a complete control freak and hypochondriac. Even as a little kid, my mother never let me outside which had led me to getting groomed online and then eventually SA'ed since I had no connections with other people. Even now my mother still constantly keeps tabs on me, calling me in class or at work constantly asking me for where I am, what I'm doing, what I'm wearing, why I don't call her back. It's so incredibly mentally draining. And I have siblings, but they're all 8+ years older than me, a completely different generation older than me, and my parents always made us fight against each other constantly comparing one of us to the others. And now since my two sisters "failed" in their education in my parents eyes and my brother still not graduating college and also being the "black sheep" of the family, all the pressure to succeed as our family's golden child has all been put on to me, so I'm trying to be a doctor.
I don't really know what I want to do really. I'm just doing what I'm told. I just want to be done with it all. There's more I want to say, but I'll share that for another time. Thanks for reading this guys.
I'm a 20 year old college student going to a fairly good school I'm doing well in, but I've never felt content with myself. Even after I've been doing things that are supposed to make me feel better/be happier. I'm on medication and I've been switching it over and over none of which are helping and I've been in therapy for a while now. I try doing all these techniques that are supposed to make me feel good, but it all seems just futile. The only things that have helped me feel any better has been using drugs like weed since it makes me feel dumber and not like myself which I enjoy more than being me.
I'm a victim of SA and grooming. Since I was 8 I fell madly in love with a person who just used me for their own sexual needs and after I got out of that hole, I dug myself into another when I was 12-13. I started dating my most recent ex at that time and that lasted for 6 years. 6 years with a person who was simply too old for me and someone I hold a lot of spite towards now. I know they had their own issues after dropping out of high school and never getting a job, but I just held on to that one since they gave me the attention I needed. Like the previous person, my most recent ex really only needed me for pictures and photos of my body. It's humiliating to imagine the amount of CP of younger me floating around in the depths of the internet, I don't doubt that it's there and that stresses me out. I've grown to hate my own skin and body, I have days where I want to just rip off pieces of it because it's tainted. No part of me will ever be free of what I've gone through. It's completely disfigured me. I've now become horribly overweight and coupled with my own physical health issues, it's caused me to hate what is on me. For a female, I'm covered in hair due to my increased levels of testosterone with PCOS and it's always been something I've tried to cover up.
My parents are also an extreme source of spite. Growing up as a first generation American and student with Asian tiger parents is just a horrible mixture. We're from a very poor country and both my parents come from are complete slums, like I give them credit for bringing our family into a better country, but they constantly compare how good things are here to what it is back in the motherland. Even after multiple suicide attempts and diagnoses, my parents don't believe that I can have these issues since I'm living in a better country than they did even though my father has these same issues. My mother is a complete control freak and hypochondriac. Even as a little kid, my mother never let me outside which had led me to getting groomed online and then eventually SA'ed since I had no connections with other people. Even now my mother still constantly keeps tabs on me, calling me in class or at work constantly asking me for where I am, what I'm doing, what I'm wearing, why I don't call her back. It's so incredibly mentally draining. And I have siblings, but they're all 8+ years older than me, a completely different generation older than me, and my parents always made us fight against each other constantly comparing one of us to the others. And now since my two sisters "failed" in their education in my parents eyes and my brother still not graduating college and also being the "black sheep" of the family, all the pressure to succeed as our family's golden child has all been put on to me, so I'm trying to be a doctor.
I don't really know what I want to do really. I'm just doing what I'm told. I just want to be done with it all. There's more I want to say, but I'll share that for another time. Thanks for reading this guys.
