This is my personal situation I don't speak for anyon else's life.
In general I am the "suicide as a last resort" type of person. I could imagine if I had have a reliable and secure method during my last rock bottoms I might be dead already. But I am not sure. After my breakdown I have extreme psychosomatic pain so much that I am quite confident that I will able to go through with it. Moreover I tried what I wanted to try. More than 25 different medication, 3 psychotherapies, 5 (?) clinic stays, several attempts to get a stable income. I think it is good to make an informed decision, to rationally weigh the pros and the cons. If I have a breakdown there are no good reasons to continue living. When I looked death in the eyes when I was at the 7th floor of a building this was frightening. I have the feeling the inner logic of my suicidality is that my determination to do it grows more and more. I become more and more serious. The last major breakdown was 2018. I did a lot of method research since. I often debated whether to order SN but was scared of the police or welfare checks which turned out to be wise.
The future looks grim. I am not made for this world. Without the help of my parents I gonna kill myself pretty quickly. I struggle with everything. There is no alternative. The day my mom dies I will order SN to take it shortly afterwards. I am anxious I won't be able to do it. I am not sure. I think I want to die in my own apartment. If my mom dies I have to leave my apartment due to financials. I am not sure how big the window of opportunity will be. I hope I will be dead prior to the funeral.
Without the help of my family I will/would probably end up homeless. Or I had to go to these horrible facilities for mentally ill people I heard nightmarish stuff there people without hygiene and a lot of thieves. I am scared of not being able to do it in my apartment. If I lose my apartment I might have to jump in front of a train. But a method someone on here mentioned sounds better. Renting an apartment in a skyscraper. My fear is without an apartment it might be impossible to order SN. But this as alternative method sounds promising for me. It is weird but I think jumping from a very high builing sounds way easier to me than train. I was pretty suicidal at my clinic stays. And I had to reach one clinic always with a train. Sometimes (kind of arbitrarily) very fast trains came I always thought why not jumping. Gladly I never did that. I am scared to lose my nerves and move the wrong way if that giant train comes closer. I am pretty sure I would fuck it up. This is why jumping sounds way better for me. It needs one impulse and then there is no return anymore.
My preferred method is still SN. It is more peaceful, private, other people I liked chose it. But I have never ordered it. I was close to doing it but my friends/therapist persuaded me to wait with it. I am scared the SN could distract me from fighting for a life worth living. Or the welfare check stuff. The problem is: If I have a relapse and experience this insane pain again I have to manage ordering it, receiving it without that my family notices it. This could become pretty difficult (but not impossible). The thing is my therapist would probably send me to a clinic and I am bad at hiding my suicidality. After my last major breakdown I had 2,5 years major depression with severe psychosomatic pain. I cannot endure that once more. So I should do it pretty quickly to spare me more pain. I am scared to overthink it. I think the pain will be big enough to beat the SI. In the "my mom dies scenario" it could be more difficult to go through with it. (less pain but a lot of despair)
My parents will die one day. I will be alone (in case I don't die earlier). The combination of me being alone and having a relapse increases the likelihood to ctb to 99,9%. I am not scared that I will never do it. I am rather scared to cling to naive hope. I really have tried recovery, I think it is good to consider all the options carefully. But for me there is no real hope to win this game. It is pretty hopeless. It is not the right time now. The pain is currently not big enough. But my time will come.
In general I am the "suicide as a last resort" type of person. I could imagine if I had have a reliable and secure method during my last rock bottoms I might be dead already. But I am not sure. After my breakdown I have extreme psychosomatic pain so much that I am quite confident that I will able to go through with it. Moreover I tried what I wanted to try. More than 25 different medication, 3 psychotherapies, 5 (?) clinic stays, several attempts to get a stable income. I think it is good to make an informed decision, to rationally weigh the pros and the cons. If I have a breakdown there are no good reasons to continue living. When I looked death in the eyes when I was at the 7th floor of a building this was frightening. I have the feeling the inner logic of my suicidality is that my determination to do it grows more and more. I become more and more serious. The last major breakdown was 2018. I did a lot of method research since. I often debated whether to order SN but was scared of the police or welfare checks which turned out to be wise.
The future looks grim. I am not made for this world. Without the help of my parents I gonna kill myself pretty quickly. I struggle with everything. There is no alternative. The day my mom dies I will order SN to take it shortly afterwards. I am anxious I won't be able to do it. I am not sure. I think I want to die in my own apartment. If my mom dies I have to leave my apartment due to financials. I am not sure how big the window of opportunity will be. I hope I will be dead prior to the funeral.
Without the help of my family I will/would probably end up homeless. Or I had to go to these horrible facilities for mentally ill people I heard nightmarish stuff there people without hygiene and a lot of thieves. I am scared of not being able to do it in my apartment. If I lose my apartment I might have to jump in front of a train. But a method someone on here mentioned sounds better. Renting an apartment in a skyscraper. My fear is without an apartment it might be impossible to order SN. But this as alternative method sounds promising for me. It is weird but I think jumping from a very high builing sounds way easier to me than train. I was pretty suicidal at my clinic stays. And I had to reach one clinic always with a train. Sometimes (kind of arbitrarily) very fast trains came I always thought why not jumping. Gladly I never did that. I am scared to lose my nerves and move the wrong way if that giant train comes closer. I am pretty sure I would fuck it up. This is why jumping sounds way better for me. It needs one impulse and then there is no return anymore.
My preferred method is still SN. It is more peaceful, private, other people I liked chose it. But I have never ordered it. I was close to doing it but my friends/therapist persuaded me to wait with it. I am scared the SN could distract me from fighting for a life worth living. Or the welfare check stuff. The problem is: If I have a relapse and experience this insane pain again I have to manage ordering it, receiving it without that my family notices it. This could become pretty difficult (but not impossible). The thing is my therapist would probably send me to a clinic and I am bad at hiding my suicidality. After my last major breakdown I had 2,5 years major depression with severe psychosomatic pain. I cannot endure that once more. So I should do it pretty quickly to spare me more pain. I am scared to overthink it. I think the pain will be big enough to beat the SI. In the "my mom dies scenario" it could be more difficult to go through with it. (less pain but a lot of despair)
My parents will die one day. I will be alone (in case I don't die earlier). The combination of me being alone and having a relapse increases the likelihood to ctb to 99,9%. I am not scared that I will never do it. I am rather scared to cling to naive hope. I really have tried recovery, I think it is good to consider all the options carefully. But for me there is no real hope to win this game. It is pretty hopeless. It is not the right time now. The pain is currently not big enough. But my time will come.
