Venting I am scared of my best friend

[tired_starlight]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I would like to share what torments me every day. Please note that English is not my first language, sorry for possible mistakes.
I have a friend whom I have known for many years. We are united by a lot of common interests and topics, we understand each other perfectly. We are very close. She is very dear to me. But there is one problem: I am her favorite person (she has bpd). In the past, she stalked my social networks, which made me terribly uncomfortable, but I was afraid to tell her about it, because it seemed to me that this was a stupid reason to worry. Now I understand that she violated my personal boundaries, which made me a very paranoid person. She obsesses over me and resents any behavior of mine that she doesn't like. I constantly feel guilty that I can't be with her 24\7 and not pay attention to her all the time. Communicating with her turned me into a tired and scared person who is constantly trying to please people. On the street, I'm afraid of people who look like her, despite the fact that we live in different countries. I constantly feel that I am being watched. I'm afraid that she checks my every social network, I'm even afraid to write this post, although she doesn't know about this site. I know she cares and worries about me, but this obsession scares me. But I know it's something she can't control.
I know that people with bpd have a very hard time and I don't blame them for anything and I don't want to demonize them. I just want to tell you how hard it is to be a person around whom someone has built their world. Thank you if someone has read to the end.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound like a tiring situation to be trapped in, it must be awful but I hope that if possible you find relief from what you go through.

 

[endless_pain]

Sounds like a relationship based on control, and I can feel how it could be tiring and sad to deal with

 

[Linda]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I would like to share what torments me every day. Please note that English is not my first language, sorry for possible mistakes.
I have a friend whom I have known for many years. We are united by a lot of common interests and topics, we understand each other perfectly. We are very close. She is very dear to me. But there is one problem: I am her favorite person (she has bpd). In the past, she stalked my social networks, which made me terribly uncomfortable, but I was afraid to tell her about it, because it seemed to me that this was a stupid reason to worry. Now I understand that she violated my personal boundaries, which made me a very paranoid person. She obsesses over me and resents any behavior of mine that she doesn't like. I constantly feel guilty that I can't be with her 24\7 and not pay attention to her all the time. Communicating with her turned me into a tired and scared person who is constantly trying to please people. On the street, I'm afraid of people who look like her, despite the fact that we live in different countries. I constantly feel that I am being watched. I'm afraid that she checks my every social network, I'm even afraid to write this post, although she doesn't know about this site. I know she cares and worries about me, but this obsession scares me. But I know it's something she can't control.
I know that people with bpd have a very hard time and I don't blame them for anything and I don't want to demonize them. I just want to tell you how hard it is to be a person around whom someone has built their world. Thank you if someone has read to the end.

I think you need either to set some boundaries that she knows she must respect, or you need to break up with her. (If you don't do the former, the latter will happen eventually anyway.) If you do the former, you should obviously try to do it in a way that doesn't exacerbate her vulnerabilities, and I realize that may be difficult. But I think you need to do it anyway. The relationship you are describing is not sustainable in its present form.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I agree you need to be the one to make a break in this relationship - a CLEAN break - with no ambiguity, whatsoever. Sometimes the hardest decision you can make is to set someone free, even though you know it is what's best for both of you.

 

[Aisley]

I have an alternative solution. Go about giving her boundaries. Even let her know the relationship depends on those boundaries, if necessary. Consider that you are training her to be better at making healthy relationships in life, in general, other than the one you share. She will improve most likely, because we, people, want to improve, and YOU will develope the skills to deal with this behavior in the future. Because people tend to fall into patterns, and it's likely you will meet many more controlling people in your life. But this way you'll recognize them and know how to keep them from boxing you in. An exercise in self education while you're teaching her, you know?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry. This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. Presumably- she realises that she suffers from bpd? I would agree with other people- it definitely sounds like you need to set some boundaries. I think you need to let her know how all of this is making you feel. It's not to do it in a way that blames her exactly- I'm sure you don't want to upset her. More that it's not entirely her fault that she's acting this way but that it's something that is making your life extremely uncomfortable and unhappy. If she doesn't want to lose you all together- it sounds like she's going to have to examine and modify her behaviour but it seems fairer to tell her I think- rather than just leave her. I hope you can work things out.