I am sad that I got distracted from slipping into a depressive episode.

[VoidedExistence]

I went roaming the city and saw lively people living their lives and being happy with their people dressed in their best, while I looked like a hobo all dirty, frowning. slouched, and alone. I was getting severely depressed. When I returned, I ran into some folks I know and got distracted. After dealing with them, I am now sad that I didn't get to enter the depressive episode that was building up. Does this mean that I enjoy being depressed? Perhaps. Or that I find comfort in being depressed because it's familiar and all I know, like a comfort zone, where I am miserable. It's so toxic. I would rather just be depressed all the time, than be fine for a while and then get back to reality, of misery.

 

[bcl001]

I went roaming the city and saw lively people living their lives and being happy with their people dressed in their best, while I looked like a hobo all dirty, frowning. slouched, and alone. I was getting severely depressed. When I returned, I ran into some folks I know and got distracted. After dealing with them, I am now sad that I didn't get to enter the depressive episode that was building up. Does this mean that I enjoy being depressed? Perhaps. Or that I find comfort in being depressed because it's familiar and all I know, like a comfort zone, where I am miserable. It's so toxic. I would rather just be depressed all the time, than be fine for a while and then get back to reality, of misery.

I do this too. Wonder if it's a psychological form of self harm.

Depression makes me apathetic, I feel this is common for everyone. But on top of that I want to feed it, stoke fire and push myself into a deeper hole. I actively try to talk myself into ctb. Kinda fucked up...