losttagain
Member
- Sep 10, 2024
- 72
for these last months I feel like I've been living on limbo. I try sometimes to reach out to my friends, at school I find it so hard to just have normal conversations with people. I just have that kind of fix group of friends that I don't even know if they really care about me. Like they care, but they can't even figure out the struggle I've been fighting daily, for years. I try to talk to them but I just turned 21 and things start getting real and people are growing and maturing and getting real relationships and things just get different. The only people that said happy birthday to me were the 5 friends I invited to my "party" because I felt forced to. I used to know more people and even tho I was constantly struggling I kind of found ways to survive. But now life is getting to real and I just feel like a child trapped on this woman's body getting fatter every day for all the junk food I eat and Xanax I've been consuming. I never felt like a fucking real person. I tend to be very maniac due to severe social isolation and then I think everyone is secretly against me. Like the other day I tried to go for a walk on my city's park and felt like everyone was like stalking me or following me, I just feel completely insane. I just started crying from the memories of old lovers I have there that were just manipulating me because I was and will always be a fucking mess. No sense of self, dreams but 2% of actual energy to make it happen, I've become so dissociated. I just sit in my university's bench, and just like look at people pass through me, laughing, dating, crying, being normal people. And I'm just a spectator there, I can't feel that I can be any part of it. Of course I isolate myself to protect myself from my insecurities and miserable self esteem, but then I'm like for what? I can't even commit to have a sleep/hygiene/eating schedule, basically if my mom didn't exist I just wouldn't leave bed, I can't do the most basic things, how can I keep a friendship that's consistent ? I'm kinda lucky that even tho one day I'm there and then I disappear for months theyre still there for me, even if it is because they are lonely too, I just can't accept the fact that people actually love me. I just start crying everytime someone, even from my family, shows affection towards me. I'm like, I'm a nobody, I don't even feel like I'm connected to my body anymore, I'm just lost in the darkness. Why? Why do they love me? They always say things like oh you're so talented you have talent in music you just don't explore it enough they motivate me we even started a band and I just got bad again and that didn't pass like 4 jams. I'm just so internally entirely depressed, I'm on antidepressants they do nothing they just increase my energy which I basically conduct to smoking and playing stupid games on my phone.
I have tried a new therapist and this is literally my last trying. I've been on multiple therapists never got better, just got better in a way that I was not entirely depressed and could function, but the core problems with my lack of identity and self esteem will always be there. I felt like I didn't have an adolescence, I was constantly isolating from everyone , I had like one friend who I still talk to this day and it's just because she's as miserable as me, she just have a lot more of strength and curiosity and will to be in the world besides all of the shit. I remember spending my adolescence crying every day feeling like a literal alien, those were supposed to be the years where you form your personality, develop friendships (healthy ones) with people, strat finding your place in the world. And it all passed me by because I was too busy being in my little shell like a scared little monster. And now that I'm reaching adultness I just self destruct because I don't feel like I have any sense of responsibility, it's like I'm in an endless adolescence that never got to that coming of age point. I just refuse to grow. And so on and so on and so on victimizing myself, seeing and focusing on the sadness EVERYWHERE, I search for it, I feed on the evil of this world. I can't feel any positive emotion, except when I'm with my friends for some seconds when we laugh and everything feels ok. But those are seconds. Then the second I step in the bus it all crushes in like a stone upon me.
Has anyone felt like they literally don't belong to their body? I look at myself in the mirror and I just start crying and hitting the mirror with me head, who the fuck is this person? Who the fuck am I why the fuck am I wasting every little good thing life offers me why can't I feel the goodness in the world? Why can't I interate with people without automatically distorting reality and thinking everyone either is in love with me or hate me. And I can't even talk to this to anyone. I tried to say it to one of my best friends, he sent love and stuff, but like I actually feel nobody would actually miss me, they'd be sad and stuff but I was always so incoherent and messy with my relationships (any kind of relationship ) that people don't even know me. On my birthday this friend say (I love you so much you're like a character from a coming of age movie you're the most unique person I know i truly never was able to understand how your brain works) and I was just thinking of course you don't, neither do I, and I refuse to show it to anyone, because if you dig deep (you don't even need to dig that deep) you see that there's nothing there, no sense of self, just illusions that I use to escape reality. I immediately started crying, because there's all this love around me, i see god everywhere I see signals, this happened before when I was suicidal and were enough to keep me alive but I think this time will be for real. I just can't stand this world it's so fucking cruel and I can't even express myself through art because all of that "suffering to create" is bullshit creativity comes from a stable mind the rest is just chaos. I used to feel so good writing songs and stuff and now I just pick a guitar and I'm like for what. No matter how good and cathartic things I may create, yes it would make me feel better, but on the long term my life will keep being like this because I already gave up a long time ago, I don't really try anything for more than a few hours, this existencial dread just hits me, I'm always so fucking tired, I've been so alienated for so long that I feel like my brain stopped working normally. It's like I'm an old person who has slow thinking and reaction to things and literally my memory, all days are the same they all fuse together in this strange cloud, I don't even remember what I did yesterday, it's like I'm an old person with Alzheimer's .
I'm so fucking tired of living like this but I'm so fucking scared of the sn process. I just know I have to do it. It's not even the death that scares me, ofc it's scary but I try to believe that it will be just like in a David lynch movie, just an infinite surreal world where everything will be much more beautiful. Yes, this is another common thing, I lack a sense of self so much that i refugee on music and movies especially, and I'm so deranged that I just don't know how to distinguish fiction from reality. I literally feed on art to survive, to create a world where I wouldn't have to deal with myself and my problems. I'm 21 and I still feel so naive, and it's not because I didn't experience enough stuff, believe me I've dealt and been in fucked up environments/situations. But it's like I'm so close minded in reference to changing and getting better that everyday I wake up and I feel like I have just been born and know nothing. Like an eternal child.. it's so embarrassing, if it wasn't my mother screaming at me to wake up, eat, wash my teeth, do my work, I think I would've already killed myself a long time ago.
It's a never ending spiral.
I rewatched Mulholland drive yesterday and twin peaks and I've consuming art like that for such a long time I just feel part of it. It's so delusion ofc I'm not that unaware , but I think for example Laura Palmers story is literally me, I watch it and it gives me so much peace her story and that scene in the end with the angel, it will all be ok in the end, in heaven everything is fine. but then I think you're not special how many people in the word have watched that. I just feel like I'm worse than everyone and at the same time better than anyone. That's one of the things with no self esteem/lack of self
One more vent, this is getting non acceptable too long, but yeah it's just that all these years of isolation and depression and true SHIT made my brain so deformed, and I'm not that young, I don't think a person can change like that. I look at older people who I create stories in my head about their mysery lives and I just think I don't want to get like that man, some people are just born to be losers. Better end it now. How many more years of suffering? How many more therapists that do everything at their competence and I just still don't react, I got to the point where I even just stopped trying. I'm just trying to pretend I'm fine because I really really really, and I say this with all the strength that's left in me, can't see a light anywhere. Only thoughts of death bring me peace. I want it so bad, I'm so curious actually it may be such an adventure, it may be so much better, may be worse too but it was my choice anyways.
Si is my only concern . I'm just imagining myself, locked in that car, about to drink that fucking chemical and pictures of the ocean and of the forest and my friends hugging me and all the beautiful things in this life imploding in my brain begging me not to do it. Because I truly think life is such a beauty, rare and surreal and extremely poetic and amazing experience. I'm just not capable of enjoying it. I'm just too stuck in a blinding darkness and self-centeredness that no one around me is able to understand . I have friends who have been suicidal before and we openly talked about it. But they always have something, some project they wanna make, dreams, find relationships, and are able to keep gong. But me (this is just my huge and small at the same ego distorting reality) I'm not like them. I'm just not strong. I'm lazy. I'm victim minded. Love isn't enough to save me because I always self sabotage it. I just want to sleep forever in a beautiful world where it's just a pink sky and angels looking over you, or even becoming one, just eternally being at that high place of existence, with no physical body to cause them suffering, in peace . This image is literally the only thing that keeps giving me energy to plan my ctb. Because those dark stories of lost and wandered souls just seem so much worse than death , but even there, I don't think there will be pain anymore, only weird atmosphere, but calm eitherway. I'm tired, I'm numb, I feel like I'm already dead, days mix up, memories mix up, feelings mix up, im a walking corpse who wears a smile as a cape that absorbes my whole (or the rest of it) being.
I have tried a new therapist and this is literally my last trying. I've been on multiple therapists never got better, just got better in a way that I was not entirely depressed and could function, but the core problems with my lack of identity and self esteem will always be there. I felt like I didn't have an adolescence, I was constantly isolating from everyone , I had like one friend who I still talk to this day and it's just because she's as miserable as me, she just have a lot more of strength and curiosity and will to be in the world besides all of the shit. I remember spending my adolescence crying every day feeling like a literal alien, those were supposed to be the years where you form your personality, develop friendships (healthy ones) with people, strat finding your place in the world. And it all passed me by because I was too busy being in my little shell like a scared little monster. And now that I'm reaching adultness I just self destruct because I don't feel like I have any sense of responsibility, it's like I'm in an endless adolescence that never got to that coming of age point. I just refuse to grow. And so on and so on and so on victimizing myself, seeing and focusing on the sadness EVERYWHERE, I search for it, I feed on the evil of this world. I can't feel any positive emotion, except when I'm with my friends for some seconds when we laugh and everything feels ok. But those are seconds. Then the second I step in the bus it all crushes in like a stone upon me.
Has anyone felt like they literally don't belong to their body? I look at myself in the mirror and I just start crying and hitting the mirror with me head, who the fuck is this person? Who the fuck am I why the fuck am I wasting every little good thing life offers me why can't I feel the goodness in the world? Why can't I interate with people without automatically distorting reality and thinking everyone either is in love with me or hate me. And I can't even talk to this to anyone. I tried to say it to one of my best friends, he sent love and stuff, but like I actually feel nobody would actually miss me, they'd be sad and stuff but I was always so incoherent and messy with my relationships (any kind of relationship ) that people don't even know me. On my birthday this friend say (I love you so much you're like a character from a coming of age movie you're the most unique person I know i truly never was able to understand how your brain works) and I was just thinking of course you don't, neither do I, and I refuse to show it to anyone, because if you dig deep (you don't even need to dig that deep) you see that there's nothing there, no sense of self, just illusions that I use to escape reality. I immediately started crying, because there's all this love around me, i see god everywhere I see signals, this happened before when I was suicidal and were enough to keep me alive but I think this time will be for real. I just can't stand this world it's so fucking cruel and I can't even express myself through art because all of that "suffering to create" is bullshit creativity comes from a stable mind the rest is just chaos. I used to feel so good writing songs and stuff and now I just pick a guitar and I'm like for what. No matter how good and cathartic things I may create, yes it would make me feel better, but on the long term my life will keep being like this because I already gave up a long time ago, I don't really try anything for more than a few hours, this existencial dread just hits me, I'm always so fucking tired, I've been so alienated for so long that I feel like my brain stopped working normally. It's like I'm an old person who has slow thinking and reaction to things and literally my memory, all days are the same they all fuse together in this strange cloud, I don't even remember what I did yesterday, it's like I'm an old person with Alzheimer's .
I'm so fucking tired of living like this but I'm so fucking scared of the sn process. I just know I have to do it. It's not even the death that scares me, ofc it's scary but I try to believe that it will be just like in a David lynch movie, just an infinite surreal world where everything will be much more beautiful. Yes, this is another common thing, I lack a sense of self so much that i refugee on music and movies especially, and I'm so deranged that I just don't know how to distinguish fiction from reality. I literally feed on art to survive, to create a world where I wouldn't have to deal with myself and my problems. I'm 21 and I still feel so naive, and it's not because I didn't experience enough stuff, believe me I've dealt and been in fucked up environments/situations. But it's like I'm so close minded in reference to changing and getting better that everyday I wake up and I feel like I have just been born and know nothing. Like an eternal child.. it's so embarrassing, if it wasn't my mother screaming at me to wake up, eat, wash my teeth, do my work, I think I would've already killed myself a long time ago.
It's a never ending spiral.
I rewatched Mulholland drive yesterday and twin peaks and I've consuming art like that for such a long time I just feel part of it. It's so delusion ofc I'm not that unaware , but I think for example Laura Palmers story is literally me, I watch it and it gives me so much peace her story and that scene in the end with the angel, it will all be ok in the end, in heaven everything is fine. but then I think you're not special how many people in the word have watched that. I just feel like I'm worse than everyone and at the same time better than anyone. That's one of the things with no self esteem/lack of self
One more vent, this is getting non acceptable too long, but yeah it's just that all these years of isolation and depression and true SHIT made my brain so deformed, and I'm not that young, I don't think a person can change like that. I look at older people who I create stories in my head about their mysery lives and I just think I don't want to get like that man, some people are just born to be losers. Better end it now. How many more years of suffering? How many more therapists that do everything at their competence and I just still don't react, I got to the point where I even just stopped trying. I'm just trying to pretend I'm fine because I really really really, and I say this with all the strength that's left in me, can't see a light anywhere. Only thoughts of death bring me peace. I want it so bad, I'm so curious actually it may be such an adventure, it may be so much better, may be worse too but it was my choice anyways.
Si is my only concern . I'm just imagining myself, locked in that car, about to drink that fucking chemical and pictures of the ocean and of the forest and my friends hugging me and all the beautiful things in this life imploding in my brain begging me not to do it. Because I truly think life is such a beauty, rare and surreal and extremely poetic and amazing experience. I'm just not capable of enjoying it. I'm just too stuck in a blinding darkness and self-centeredness that no one around me is able to understand . I have friends who have been suicidal before and we openly talked about it. But they always have something, some project they wanna make, dreams, find relationships, and are able to keep gong. But me (this is just my huge and small at the same ego distorting reality) I'm not like them. I'm just not strong. I'm lazy. I'm victim minded. Love isn't enough to save me because I always self sabotage it. I just want to sleep forever in a beautiful world where it's just a pink sky and angels looking over you, or even becoming one, just eternally being at that high place of existence, with no physical body to cause them suffering, in peace . This image is literally the only thing that keeps giving me energy to plan my ctb. Because those dark stories of lost and wandered souls just seem so much worse than death , but even there, I don't think there will be pain anymore, only weird atmosphere, but calm eitherway. I'm tired, I'm numb, I feel like I'm already dead, days mix up, memories mix up, feelings mix up, im a walking corpse who wears a smile as a cape that absorbes my whole (or the rest of it) being.
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