Venting I am myself because of my suicidality

[liquid-crystal daze]

I don't want to say that I am proud of how I have turned out. And I don't want to say that you can't be a good person (whatever that means, I hate using that term) and also relatively untraumatized, though I've yet to encounter anybody like that. And I would trade all my shortcomings out in an instant, but I also can't imagine who I would be then. I hate my life, my body and mind, my (lack of any) relationships, but every time I try to picture any other version of myself, better or worse, it feels ridiculous and I can't go on. Even looking at what I could've done in the past feels juvenile. So I guess this isn't pride or thankfulness in my life but acceptance (do I need to put a specific word to it? It doesn't change the feeling anyways). I think if I was in a better place this would be a step in the direction of recovery, but feeling like I'm finally beginning to piece together why I am so obsessed with dying (not even suicide specifically, but no person or force seems to be interested in killing me any time soon and life is to depressing to wait) only assures me in my decision. There is nothing else out there for me, I can't even picture my life in any other direction. I don't believe in destiny, but there's no other way to describe why I am motivated to CTB.

 

[jojobanana]

its hard to truly put into words what leads people to this conclusion but op I hope it helps to know there are many of us that feel this way too and you're not alone in how you feel