Venting I am my own prisoner

[willitpass]

I would get arrested for torture if I did what I do to myself to somebody else. I would never even think for a second about doing anything close to what I do to myself to another person. I would be heartbroken if I saw someone else doing what I do to themselves. Yet for some reason my mind has categorized me as different. I am subhuman. I deserve every last ounce of what I do to myself and more. Comfort is a luxury I am not to be afforded. If I feel good then I have to sabotage it. If I feel awful it means I'm doing the right thing. If someone tells me I look healthy or good it means I am taking too good of care of myself. I started down this path of self destruction when I was 9 but I never could have imagined how much it would spiral worse and worse.

My OTC pain killer overdosing gets bigger by the day. Started as just a few over the max, now it's 4-8x the max multiple times a day. It nauseates me but I do it anyway. What went from a double dose of laxatives once a week or so has turned into taking full bottles at a time multiple times a week and smaller doses on the off days. I've had to change laxative forms multiple times now because after a few months of it my body starts to recognize what I'm doing and I become incredibly nauseous and gag just by thinking about taking them, so I have to find a different type my body hasn't been conditioned to reject. My ass is raw from the constant diarrhea. I'm bloated 24/7 anymore, even if I'm completely cleared out. I can't go without laxatives so if I try to quit I become horrifically constipated. I hardly sleep anymore. The insomnia is awful but when I do feel my body getting ready to sleep finally I force myself to continue staying awake until I can't anymore. I no longer allow myself to eat anything of nutritional value because I don't want to give my body any fuel. If I eat it is low calorie junk food. My hair is falling out in large clumps. I'm always tired. I'm always nauseous. My heart acts oddly at times, especially after laxative overdoses. The list of issues caused by my own doing goes on and on. And I only want to do even more. I can't stop torturing myself. My mind has a chokehold on me and has for over a decade. I do not deserve comfort. I deserve pain. Anything and everything I can do to make myself suffer.

I just pray for the day my body can no longer take it anymore. I hope that it's sooner rather than later.

 

[AbyssalAlien]

This is quite an extreme case of self hatred. You're doing a long and tortorous form of suicide because you feel like that is what you deserve. You are in the medical field, and from your pin post, you are well aware of what kind of Hell you are putting your body through. Multiple organ failure is not a pretty way to go and it will take days, but you already know this. Does SI prevent you from more painless methods such as falling, crashing, hanging, or shooting? Or do you truly believe in your heart that this is the death you deserve?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Is there any part of you that wants to stop it? Maybe this is a shit suggestion. Obviously, it kind of ignores the motivation behind doing this- the self hatred. But- could you turn it on its head maybe? So- to an extent, it's compulsive, addictive behaviour I imagine. I can sort of relate to that because I had a real problem with binge eating in the past. But- in that moment, the 'easier' thing to do is to take those pills or, hurt yourself I imagine- because the urge to do it is so strong. Could you try to convince yourself you are punishing yourself by denying yourself those outlets? In a way, wouldn't that be the more difficult thing to do- psychologically at least? That's a form of punishment. It's so hard to give up things we feel compelled to do.

Still, it doesn't overcome you feeling like you don't deserve to feel well. I just think it's awful that anyone should feel like that. It's so sad.

I guess there are ways you could try to 'trick' your mind over that. You clearly care a lot about your job and caring for others. Surely, your ability to do that increases when you are fit and well. Kind of naff, but could you use that to try to stop hurting yourself? As in- I can't do the job I care about when I'm like this. I try to use that one to get me to do things I don't want to do- like exercise. I know we'd rather be dead but, we're stuck here for now it seems.

It's sounded from previous posts that you have tried lots of different treatments. I guess you have explored the root cause of all this? I don't know how much that can help. Put it this way though- if you were your own patient, what would you recommend them to do? How would you help them? I'm sure none of this is new to you though. Sounds like you've tried everything. I'm sorry you suffer so much.