AWeepingWidower
Member
- May 16, 2024
- 22
I have spent the vast majority of my life alone. Since I was 18 I coasted from toxic relationship to toxic relationship operating under the notion of "we make things work." Up until I finally met my late fiancé. My childhood was okay I believe minus the constant infighting and my father leaving and my mother having to be gone all the time for work to support us. Because of the echoes of my father we have later found out that I wasn't treated for things like ADHD or depression because they didn't like how it left my half sister. His other child. Around 16 ish my mother couldn't seem to do enough for me and wanted to try to have me live with my father for awhile and we tried that. I was still alone and the abuse (Albeit not physical) started. They drank and smoked and abused each other so much that I believe I might have started to see it as normal. Which may have been a precursor to allowing my future relationships get away with what they did. Depression and dissatisfaction kicked in pretty early in life I think.
There where times being a bigger gentleman in my teens where my dad and his new wife would hide food so I wouldn't eat it and they did this so much that I ended up losing 50ish lbs? Something in this ballpark. My first partner was abusive physically and unfaithful. My second partner was well different and they had a lot of growing up to do. They where ultimately poly and unfaithful while being mentally abusive. After my mother passed away I found myself in a relationship with a person suffering from BPD and that was an experience I wouldn't recommend. Unfaithful, accusing, belittling and always at war. My late Fiance was the first time in my life I ever experienced truly profound love and with no toxic aspects. Sure they had their flaws. but who doesnt. We where both slobs in a sense that we put off chores longer than we should have. And they had an interesting hobby in making ecchi RP stories for themselves but everything they had I loved genuinely and miss dearly its who they where.
My work life has been, well awful. Being someone who while quick on the uptake but having untreated adhd I could hack it with school ultimately and decided not to further my schooling after highschool. I graduated with below average marks. So I spent my entire life bouncing around factory jobs to make ends meet. Using my body in physically intensive jobs as that rewards the highest in my area. I worked for a company that makes world famous products that I tried to find pride in for a bit but in focusing on work so much working 50-60 hour work weeks for 3-5 years i lost a lot of time with family and friends. And unfortunately they all started to pass away. I've been a second / third shifter for the last ten years. I practically get to see no one. I've been running on fumes for what seems like a decade. I quit that job after a botched entanglement and went to the place I now work. I work 40 hour weeks now and live paycheck to paycheck but the job is cutting and stacking steel. On average I move between 16k-30k+ lbs of steel by hand a night. My body is tired so much that that extra "day off" is spent sleeping or recovering. When my fiance was here I didn't mind. I felt like I have a purpose. Everything was so easy with them. Like my batteries where recharged every night. Seeing them made my life. Made everything so bearable and even exciting.
Being stuck on thirdshift I became reclusive because I was just plain never awake at times to interact with friends and family. But My partner broke me out of that they where able to get me out of my shell. We did so many cool amazing things together and now I mourn not only the loss of the love of my life but the future we where once planning together. Grieving what could have been.
When people want me to become okay I view it as selfish. It's something they want for themselves because I don't believe they knew what I was before them. What they're asking me to return to. Perhaps im being melodramatic. But I've lost all will to live. I derive no happiness from this anymore. I find small comforts in remembering my love but it's followed often by a pain I cant fathom completely. It's been almost 20 days since their passing.
I'm lost between surving to remember them even in the agony of not having them again. And ending it all. I've been poisoning myself slowly. At the most I do not want to live past 40 anymore. I don't really know what I should do. Without them I am lost, mi amor. Cara mia. I don't think I can do this without them.
Please do not let my tragedy dissuade you. I hope everyone of you can find your other half one day. I'm just. Not sure I can go on. I figured I would outlive them But I thought we would be in our 60s or something.
and for the record Im 33 and they where 30
There where times being a bigger gentleman in my teens where my dad and his new wife would hide food so I wouldn't eat it and they did this so much that I ended up losing 50ish lbs? Something in this ballpark. My first partner was abusive physically and unfaithful. My second partner was well different and they had a lot of growing up to do. They where ultimately poly and unfaithful while being mentally abusive. After my mother passed away I found myself in a relationship with a person suffering from BPD and that was an experience I wouldn't recommend. Unfaithful, accusing, belittling and always at war. My late Fiance was the first time in my life I ever experienced truly profound love and with no toxic aspects. Sure they had their flaws. but who doesnt. We where both slobs in a sense that we put off chores longer than we should have. And they had an interesting hobby in making ecchi RP stories for themselves but everything they had I loved genuinely and miss dearly its who they where.
My work life has been, well awful. Being someone who while quick on the uptake but having untreated adhd I could hack it with school ultimately and decided not to further my schooling after highschool. I graduated with below average marks. So I spent my entire life bouncing around factory jobs to make ends meet. Using my body in physically intensive jobs as that rewards the highest in my area. I worked for a company that makes world famous products that I tried to find pride in for a bit but in focusing on work so much working 50-60 hour work weeks for 3-5 years i lost a lot of time with family and friends. And unfortunately they all started to pass away. I've been a second / third shifter for the last ten years. I practically get to see no one. I've been running on fumes for what seems like a decade. I quit that job after a botched entanglement and went to the place I now work. I work 40 hour weeks now and live paycheck to paycheck but the job is cutting and stacking steel. On average I move between 16k-30k+ lbs of steel by hand a night. My body is tired so much that that extra "day off" is spent sleeping or recovering. When my fiance was here I didn't mind. I felt like I have a purpose. Everything was so easy with them. Like my batteries where recharged every night. Seeing them made my life. Made everything so bearable and even exciting.
Being stuck on thirdshift I became reclusive because I was just plain never awake at times to interact with friends and family. But My partner broke me out of that they where able to get me out of my shell. We did so many cool amazing things together and now I mourn not only the loss of the love of my life but the future we where once planning together. Grieving what could have been.
When people want me to become okay I view it as selfish. It's something they want for themselves because I don't believe they knew what I was before them. What they're asking me to return to. Perhaps im being melodramatic. But I've lost all will to live. I derive no happiness from this anymore. I find small comforts in remembering my love but it's followed often by a pain I cant fathom completely. It's been almost 20 days since their passing.
I'm lost between surving to remember them even in the agony of not having them again. And ending it all. I've been poisoning myself slowly. At the most I do not want to live past 40 anymore. I don't really know what I should do. Without them I am lost, mi amor. Cara mia. I don't think I can do this without them.
Please do not let my tragedy dissuade you. I hope everyone of you can find your other half one day. I'm just. Not sure I can go on. I figured I would outlive them But I thought we would be in our 60s or something.
and for the record Im 33 and they where 30
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