anthomaniac
Member
- Oct 10, 2018
- 40
So i've been part of this community for a few years back and though i stopped visiting the site because i got better i always come back because i feel like this is the only place where i can speak freely and not hurt anyone i care about.
I am loosing my goddamned mind.
I'll put you in context. i am a young trans man living in a third world country that's been under a dictatorship for around 21 years or more, i've lived my whole life without knowing what truly freedom and comforts of life is. And i have been fighting to get outside of this hell hole ever since i was around 13 years old, i've protested, i've fought and all my friends and i got was bullets and beatings from the police, i've marched with thousands of people to try to fight for our future and all the answers we got was more oppression, so i grew tired, i grew so tired i got depressed because living in this country is just a constant reminders that things will never get better. And if living with depression is constantly having your mind remind you of that, imagine how fucking shitty it is to live in a place that's the PHYSICAL reminder that things, in fact, won't get bet better; not tomorrow, not in a month, not in a year, not never. I have already accepted that if there is a God or a bigger influence, they surely cursed my country (and many others, ngl) and they forgot about it. Living in my country means not having hope for anything, and let me tell you how that fucks you up even when you've never been the kind of people that believes in hope.
And even then, i'm still trying to push out of everything and save up to pack my bags and run. I've been scraping money like crazy, but with a minimun wage of 2$ and a sky rocketing inflation it's maybe being able to afford food or ''save up'', which seems ridiculous because i'd have to save up my whole life to get a decent amount of money and at least escape by land.
And as if the whole situation isn't enough, being transgender in a thirdworld SUCKS, everything is fine until the police humilliates you in a public space just because your face doesn't matches your ID and since they dont' have even two braincells to make the connection, they still prefer to humilliate you instead of asking, and don't you dare tell them anything about gender identity and diversity, it'll just get you a beating.
I've been trying and trying and trying but HONESTLY? Sometimes i just wish i could kill myself eventually, death is a preferable alternative to this living hell, to seeing everyday the same darkened sky, the same bad news, the same closed border and lack of hope.
Every day that passes i loose more my mind, the stress, the debts, the bills, not having money, not being able to find a good paying job, not knowing what the fuck can happen to me next time i go out to the streets. I just want to pack my bags and run but if i can't even feed myself how the fuck would i get enough to at least get to the border?
if there's a way out of this, i'm begging God to show it to me because everyday it just gets more and more darker.
I am loosing my goddamned mind.
I'll put you in context. i am a young trans man living in a third world country that's been under a dictatorship for around 21 years or more, i've lived my whole life without knowing what truly freedom and comforts of life is. And i have been fighting to get outside of this hell hole ever since i was around 13 years old, i've protested, i've fought and all my friends and i got was bullets and beatings from the police, i've marched with thousands of people to try to fight for our future and all the answers we got was more oppression, so i grew tired, i grew so tired i got depressed because living in this country is just a constant reminders that things will never get better. And if living with depression is constantly having your mind remind you of that, imagine how fucking shitty it is to live in a place that's the PHYSICAL reminder that things, in fact, won't get bet better; not tomorrow, not in a month, not in a year, not never. I have already accepted that if there is a God or a bigger influence, they surely cursed my country (and many others, ngl) and they forgot about it. Living in my country means not having hope for anything, and let me tell you how that fucks you up even when you've never been the kind of people that believes in hope.
And even then, i'm still trying to push out of everything and save up to pack my bags and run. I've been scraping money like crazy, but with a minimun wage of 2$ and a sky rocketing inflation it's maybe being able to afford food or ''save up'', which seems ridiculous because i'd have to save up my whole life to get a decent amount of money and at least escape by land.
And as if the whole situation isn't enough, being transgender in a thirdworld SUCKS, everything is fine until the police humilliates you in a public space just because your face doesn't matches your ID and since they dont' have even two braincells to make the connection, they still prefer to humilliate you instead of asking, and don't you dare tell them anything about gender identity and diversity, it'll just get you a beating.
I've been trying and trying and trying but HONESTLY? Sometimes i just wish i could kill myself eventually, death is a preferable alternative to this living hell, to seeing everyday the same darkened sky, the same bad news, the same closed border and lack of hope.
Every day that passes i loose more my mind, the stress, the debts, the bills, not having money, not being able to find a good paying job, not knowing what the fuck can happen to me next time i go out to the streets. I just want to pack my bags and run but if i can't even feed myself how the fuck would i get enough to at least get to the border?
if there's a way out of this, i'm begging God to show it to me because everyday it just gets more and more darker.
