..but when they 5 minutes more about it they will say "well there were signs of it".
I am obsessed what people think about me. I have successfully hidden my weirdness and illness in front of strangers. Sometimes it slipped through especially during stressful periods. But I clearly made progress concerning social awkwardness. When a student (who organized stuff and knew me) learned I am disabled he looked quite speechless at me. I liked that because it proved me I can hide my illness in front of strangers. This was not always the case in the past.
My best friends know about my severe illnesses and suicidality. My family too. I have some friends in college and I am in an unknown position for me. I have some friends there who know I am very ill. But they don't know anything about my suicidality. For many in this forum this is the usual situation. I have to say I clearly prefer to be open about it with the people I am closest to. I have now two friends at college. We know us for quite a long time and we like each other. Though our friendship is often only related to college stuff. We don't spend time after college together. I think one of my friends at college wants to meet me also in my freetime. I am not sure when or if I should tell him about my suicidality. I prefer to be open to people who are very close to me. But I have not reached that level with them. I am ruminating about it. One time I slightly hinted it. However I don't want that they worry about me.
I think I won't tell it to them for the next months in case we don't become very very close friends. They both don't know in which pain I really am. Maybe theoretically I could make a joke about it. In case they visit me at my apartment they will realize how fucking ill I am. I have a wardrobe full of medication. I never was in a similar position than this. After my first psychosis I became very very suicidal and I was more or less forced to let my friends know it. I think I would only tell it to my two college friends in case our friendship will become not only college related but also more about private issues. So I probably won't tell it them for a quite long time or more likely I will never let them know it.
So I come here to the next point. What will they think of me when I have to off myself. My mom has soon an operation if she dies or something very bad happens I will be forced to commit suicide soon. There are many scenarios in which I will kill myself in the coming years. I was so fucking close to a relapse in the last weeks. It was very dangerous.
Two of my closest friends would know everything. I would tell it them when I order SN. We also talked in the past about it. And they told me they would not tell it to my parents. I told my whole family about my plans to commit suicide. Most of them don't take it serious, forgot it and I only mentioned it years ago. Despite the fact I told them I still have these thoughts they think everything would be alright because on the surface I function. The third of my closest friends don't want to know the details about my suicide plans and I understand and respect that.
I ask myself what exactly these two college friends would think about it. They would be fully unprepared.
They know I have bipolar and had psychosis but they have any clue how much I really suffer daily. In fact they think I am doing fine and I always say I am good or something similar to them.I ask myself whether they would come to my funeral. My approach is/was I wanted to prepare my loved ones that one day I will be gone. Though that spectacularly failed. Most of them worried a lot and forgot it when I stopped mentioning it. However I think it was good to tell it to them despite it did not last long. It felt like the right thing to do. I hope it would be easier for them to say goodbye. For my closest friends that might be true. With my parents that did not work at all.
Maybe it is self-absorbed to ask myself how these people would react to my suicide. Though one of my principles is honesty and just offing myself from one day to the other and close people don't have any fucking clue feels kind of uncomfortable to me. It is probably a consideration between their worries about me and wanting to be honest and open towards people.
For many people in this forum these thoughts might sound odd. But for me it is relieving that at least some people in real life know about it. I could not imagine it hiding it in front of very close friends. It is just way way too much part of me, my life and personality.
Edit: I wanted to post this thread yesterday but the website was down
I am obsessed what people think about me. I have successfully hidden my weirdness and illness in front of strangers. Sometimes it slipped through especially during stressful periods. But I clearly made progress concerning social awkwardness. When a student (who organized stuff and knew me) learned I am disabled he looked quite speechless at me. I liked that because it proved me I can hide my illness in front of strangers. This was not always the case in the past.
My best friends know about my severe illnesses and suicidality. My family too. I have some friends in college and I am in an unknown position for me. I have some friends there who know I am very ill. But they don't know anything about my suicidality. For many in this forum this is the usual situation. I have to say I clearly prefer to be open about it with the people I am closest to. I have now two friends at college. We know us for quite a long time and we like each other. Though our friendship is often only related to college stuff. We don't spend time after college together. I think one of my friends at college wants to meet me also in my freetime. I am not sure when or if I should tell him about my suicidality. I prefer to be open to people who are very close to me. But I have not reached that level with them. I am ruminating about it. One time I slightly hinted it. However I don't want that they worry about me.
I think I won't tell it to them for the next months in case we don't become very very close friends. They both don't know in which pain I really am. Maybe theoretically I could make a joke about it. In case they visit me at my apartment they will realize how fucking ill I am. I have a wardrobe full of medication. I never was in a similar position than this. After my first psychosis I became very very suicidal and I was more or less forced to let my friends know it. I think I would only tell it to my two college friends in case our friendship will become not only college related but also more about private issues. So I probably won't tell it them for a quite long time or more likely I will never let them know it.
So I come here to the next point. What will they think of me when I have to off myself. My mom has soon an operation if she dies or something very bad happens I will be forced to commit suicide soon. There are many scenarios in which I will kill myself in the coming years. I was so fucking close to a relapse in the last weeks. It was very dangerous.
Two of my closest friends would know everything. I would tell it them when I order SN. We also talked in the past about it. And they told me they would not tell it to my parents. I told my whole family about my plans to commit suicide. Most of them don't take it serious, forgot it and I only mentioned it years ago. Despite the fact I told them I still have these thoughts they think everything would be alright because on the surface I function. The third of my closest friends don't want to know the details about my suicide plans and I understand and respect that.
I ask myself what exactly these two college friends would think about it. They would be fully unprepared.
They know I have bipolar and had psychosis but they have any clue how much I really suffer daily. In fact they think I am doing fine and I always say I am good or something similar to them.I ask myself whether they would come to my funeral. My approach is/was I wanted to prepare my loved ones that one day I will be gone. Though that spectacularly failed. Most of them worried a lot and forgot it when I stopped mentioning it. However I think it was good to tell it to them despite it did not last long. It felt like the right thing to do. I hope it would be easier for them to say goodbye. For my closest friends that might be true. With my parents that did not work at all.
Maybe it is self-absorbed to ask myself how these people would react to my suicide. Though one of my principles is honesty and just offing myself from one day to the other and close people don't have any fucking clue feels kind of uncomfortable to me. It is probably a consideration between their worries about me and wanting to be honest and open towards people.
For many people in this forum these thoughts might sound odd. But for me it is relieving that at least some people in real life know about it. I could not imagine it hiding it in front of very close friends. It is just way way too much part of me, my life and personality.
Edit: I wanted to post this thread yesterday but the website was down
