35alcoholics
ratman
- Jul 3, 2023
- 14
Suicide is the only option for me, yet I can't fucking do it. Not because im scared of anything of that sort. It just wont work. God keeps me alive to torture me with suicidal ideation and self destructive behaviors. I did oxy once and ive never felt so at home. I need something that will fix me, because God won't help.
I went to a new psychiatrist the other day, he told me I was faking my illness. That it was impossible to be able to do the things ive done, with a 13/6 on the DSM for schizophrenia. (I've been diagnosed previously).
I live with the burden of being on edge. Ive felt this way my whole life. I will never change, until the day i succeed. It is an unfortunate reality, but in the end.. does it matter? We put in all the effort to keep ourselves alive, but we then kill ourselves. (Whether thats an act on purpose or accident) Why? Why do we do this? Why is there an effort?
I'm on 4 pills, all for mental health. Why am I so desperate to be dead? I will never live a happy life. I wont let it happen. I can't help myself. I've felt this way since I was youthful (-10); but now, I just keep going because I figured ill wait until I die some other way than suicide. I don't want pity. I dont want sympathy. I just want a release, and to cease to exist.
Cutting myself wont help (anymore), drugs and alcohol just make me pass out and nod off, and these pills they put me on; just puts off the feeling. Those grounding techniques just make me want to kill myself even more. I am miserable, but one day it wont even matter.
I went to a new psychiatrist the other day, he told me I was faking my illness. That it was impossible to be able to do the things ive done, with a 13/6 on the DSM for schizophrenia. (I've been diagnosed previously).
I live with the burden of being on edge. Ive felt this way my whole life. I will never change, until the day i succeed. It is an unfortunate reality, but in the end.. does it matter? We put in all the effort to keep ourselves alive, but we then kill ourselves. (Whether thats an act on purpose or accident) Why? Why do we do this? Why is there an effort?
I'm on 4 pills, all for mental health. Why am I so desperate to be dead? I will never live a happy life. I wont let it happen. I can't help myself. I've felt this way since I was youthful (-10); but now, I just keep going because I figured ill wait until I die some other way than suicide. I don't want pity. I dont want sympathy. I just want a release, and to cease to exist.
Cutting myself wont help (anymore), drugs and alcohol just make me pass out and nod off, and these pills they put me on; just puts off the feeling. Those grounding techniques just make me want to kill myself even more. I am miserable, but one day it wont even matter.
